The Slug and Lettuce

Screw You, Russell Crowe.

2011-11-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

I'm real lucky. Know why? Because I don't care that much about the NBA. Sure, I'll watch a game or two out of the season, maybe follow the playoffs, go with my brother on our annual pilgrimage to the Wizards' butt-whooping at the EnergySolutions Arena. But when it comes down to it, I don't really have a real emotional investment in professional basketball. That's why I've hardly been upset at the recent developments with the NBA lockout, the latest news being that the entire 2011-2012 season is not going to happen. Don't really care that much.

What I do care about is the fact that thousands of people whose financial livelihoods are centered around NBA teams are now up a creek. I'm talking about the arena workers, the restaurant owners, the everyday “nobodies” who don't have the option to go work in Italy or Turkey in the meantime. Not to mention the economies of the communities that will take a huge hit from all this, especially smaller markets like Salt Lake City.

Why are these people out of luck? Well the gist is that the owners want as much money as they can get, and the players want the same thing. Both sides want money. I don't want to get into a ton of detail about the whole situation because that's not what this post is meant to be about. I want to talk about these basketball players who are putting thousands of middle- to lower-class people out of jobs because they want to be allowed to demand higher salaries with no ceiling. You see, in their minds, being really good at basketball is a skill set worthy of millions upon millions of dollars, and they should be allowed to have as big a piece of the pie as they can get their hands on. They want to split the revenue 50-50 with the owners. But the owners want it to be more like 48-52. The humanity! How is Kevin Garnett going to pay for a third island now?

Oh we have loads of money. It's just that we want more $300,000 suits. Truly we are the downtrodden.

Of course, athletes are not the only ones who think that they deserve way more money than they do. Actors are in the same boat. Now, I fully understand that being really good at something lucrative deserves a certain level of compensation. Pro athletes and movie stars get big bucks because they are the best at what they do, and what they do brings in a ton of cash. Without them, all that money would never be seen. But at what point does the talent become the martyr? Am I really supposed to feel for the poor basketball players who want $16 million a year instead of $15 million? Please.

What drives me crazy is that these celebrities have such a sense of entitlement that they think they are the very gods of the earth. An actor wins a daytime Emmy and suddenly he's the Dalai Lama. They get so used to getting coddled and waited upon and treated like little princesses that they expect everybody to treat them that way. And what's worse, we do. We see Johnny Depp or Kobe Bryant or Whitney Houston and we get all starry eyed. We offer them free food, beg for them to shake our hand or sign an autograph, hold the door for them in hopes that one day they'll... what? What do we think will happen? Do we think that Emma Watson will one day, in her Oscar acceptance speech, say “And a huge thank you to Martin Spackelbrush from Gary Indiana! He gave me a free scone with my coffee three years ago just because I was famous!” We have nothing whatsoever to gain from letting a celebrity crap all over us except it will be an interesting story to tell the roommates that evening.

Several years ago, Russell Crowe was on a radio program talking about his new movie “Robin Hood.” (Oh you didn't see it? Yeah, neither did I.) The guy interviewing him had the nerve- THE NERVE SIR- to suggest that Crowe's accent in the movie had hints of Irish in there. Crowe graciously and maturely refuted this claim and surmised that if the gentleman had sensed Irish inflections in his voice, it was unintentional. LOLJK he acted like a complete diva and huffed and pouted and threw a hissy fit as though the man had just said his mother was ugly. (She probably is.) Here are a few quotes:

“You've seriously got dead ears if you think that's an Irish accent.”

“I'm a little dumbfounded you could possibly find any Irish in that character, that's kind of ridiculous anyway, but it's your show.”

He refused to drop it, and eventually stormed out of the studio. Another thing the host had brought up during the interview was Crowe's famous incident when filming “Gladiator,” when he flat out refused to say the line, “In this life or the next, I will have my vengeance.” He told writer William Nicholson, “Your lines are garbage but I'm the greatest actor in the world and I can make even garbage sound good.”

Let me spit some reality for you, Russ. Yes, you are good at what you do. (Though not as good as you think sometimes... grimacing and making boogers run down your face does not constitute realistic crying.) But when we boil your profession down to its basest elements, you know what you are? You are a dancing monkey. Or better yet, a dancing cat.

Pictured: Oscar winner Russell Crowe.

You exist in our culture solely and entirely for us to be amused. Sure, your work is done in a more profound, artistic way, and because of your talent, coupled with the talents of hundreds of others that contribute to your films, the audience is able to have an emotional experience and perhaps learn something about themselves. But let's face it. Your job is to take a script and say the lines in front of a camera. You aren't even the one that comes up with the material or decides how it is ultimately going to be presented. You just take the part you are assigned and do your best to make it good. If we don't like it, you don't get paid. But just because we often do like it, that doesn't necessarily make you “better” than any one of us. That doesn't make you wiser, deeper, more charismatic or more valuable to society any more than it does that cat. You lucked into a big break, and just because you managed to find a place in society where people throw money at you doesn't make you a god. And it sure as heck doesn't excuse you from common decency and respect.

It reminds me of when LeBron James was asked how he felt about his critics after he laid an egg at the NBA Finals last season. To paraphrase his response: “Yeah they can say what they want, but tomorrow they'll wake up and they'll still be poor people who aren't famous and I'll be eating panda steaks on my yacht with the Victoria's Secret Angels.” Yes, LeBron James, because you are paid millions of dollars for being good at playing a game that means your life has more meaning than the rest of the millions of people in the country.

Pictured: ~~NBA Championship winner~~ LeBron James.

And that means you deserve even more money, because hey, who else is going to do your awful job? Your sacrifice is truly inspiring.

That's why when I meet a famous person, I try not to get all crazy and blubbering. Recently I met Jimmer Fredette. I took him to his table at the restaurant that I work at, and I chatted a bit with him on the way. Yeah, I appreciate him for what he did for my favorite basketball team. I loved watching him play and he made the season exciting. I think to myself that if I was his server, I might be inclined to pay for his dessert or something to express my appreciation. But then I stop myself. Why would I do that? What in the world does that do for me? As if he doesn't already have enough cash. Even if he isn't getting a paycheck from the NBA, he's still doing just fine with endorsements and commercials and appearances. I'm not saying he owes me anything, but I sure as heck don't owe him anything either. Yeah, I respect him and appreciate him, but he isn't royalty. He can stand to pay for his own fried ice cream.

The Dark Side of Peppy Showtunes

2011-10-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

I didn't expect to do this, but I'm going to write another post about Glee. The show itself is becoming increasingly strange and otherworldly to me, but in a way, that helps justify my point in this post.

I think I might have figured out a deeper dimension of the show. Thing is, I'm not sure it's being done on purpose. It's kind of like this awesome fan theory I read about Star Wars- short version, Chewbacca and R2-D2 were rebel agents involved with the rebellion the whole time. It's a theory that makes a lot of sense, but George Lucas probably isn't smart enough to have done it on purpose.

So in that spirit I think I found an interpretation of Glee that explains a lot. One of my biggest issues with the show is the unrealistic way it portrays... well, everything. I'm not talking about characters like Sue Sylvester or Emma Pillsbury. I'm talking about things that are not that hard to get right, but the writers seem to have zero understanding. Like the offensive butchering of the entire concept of football. In the Glee world, apparently there are about a dozen players on a football team, and they play both offense and defense. Also, you can have a handful of girls just throw on a uniform and take the field, but then at halftime the regular team can suit up and go into the game, no big deal. Oh, and apparently a kid in a wheelchair can legally play on a football team! Then there's the glaring inconsistencies with reality. This show has a show choir club that is more hated and reviled than leprous al-Qaeda pedophiles, a club that is constantly under the threat of being shut down unless it wins every competition ever. And yet they have Broadway-level costumes, sets, choreography, and a full orchestra that obediently accompanies any song at the drop of a sequined hat. That band of theirs is amazing. They have the time and resources to constantly be on call for musical outbursts, and they can play anything with perfection the first time. I want to see a show about those guys.

So here's the knowledge bomb I'm about to drop on you: The entire show is a depiction of life in the mind of one person (probably Rachel, but it could be someone else or a combination of all of them). It explains everything. We see an orchestra and matching outfits and hear perfect pitch and harmonies because that's the way Rachel sees what is happening. Those things don't actually exist. What's really happening is she's singing her heart out a cappella to an empty auditorium. At Sectionals, the group is wearing black pants and white shirts as the sing in place on creaking risers. But we see incredible production value because that's how Rachel sees herself.

It kind of makes sense. How many of us have performed on a stage or in a game and imagined ourselves on a much bigger stage than we were on? Every high school athlete wants to imagine himself in the Super Bowl or the World Series. Young singers picture Grammys and Tonys being handed to them as thousands applaud. We know Rachel has a huge ego and a great imagination. She wants to be a big-time singer, so why not just fill in the gaps in her mind?

It also explains the gross exaggerations in the characters. Brittany says she has literally slept with every boy in the school. Mercedes is the very incarnation of the large, sassy, black diva stereotype. Kurt is the biggest gay stereotype on television since that irritating supporting character from Will and Grace. For heaven's sakes, there's a character named Jacob Ben-Israel who starts his blog with "Shalom!" His blog is inexplicably popular, renowned throughout the school as the primary source of current events. And look! A recent episode follows an Asian-American student whose life goes into Defcon 1 because he got an A-. He is horrified as his entire future is in jeopardy because of what he and the other Asian-American characters refer to as an "Asian F." Good grief. I'm surprised his dad wasn't played by Mickey Rooney. Emmy Award-winning racism!

Glee: All the social sensitivity of 4chan.

Someone can be the only talented player on the almighty football team or the captain of the cheerleaders, status symbols that apparently mean everything in this shallow society. And yet the very fact that they are in the glee club - and in spite of the fact that they are really good at it - makes them social pariahs so hated that people throw frozen beverages at them daily without repercussions. Everybody has to be in a relationship, and everybody dates everybody else.

It sounds like a poorly written book authored by a teenage girl. And that's my point. No offense to you teenagers out there, but let's face it. You guys are kind of stupid in the way you see the world around you sometimes. You put waaaay too much importance on certain things like being in a relationship or being part of the right club or team. You overgeneralize people's personalities and actions. It's not your fault, it's the way you're wired. It's the world you live in. And not everybody is like that, nor is anyone really like that all of the time. But we're all guilty of some of it some of the time. Glee is just a concentrated depiction of the worst of it, yet it doesn't seem to be aware of it.

It encourages the thought that Asians are Asiany and gays are always super gay. It pretends that having a boyfriend really is one of the most important things in life and that if you dare to be yourself in something like show choir, everyone else will hate your stinking guts, no matter what other host of qualities you have. It claims that superficial social status matters are real and in full force, and the only way to overcome them isn't to change people's attitudes but to just get through it until you're out of that environment. The numerous characters who are terrible stereotypes rarely have moments when those stereotypes are challenged. As you get to know them, you find there aren't any deeper layers to their personalities. I want to see a program that shows the dumb skank isn't actually that dumb or all that skankish. Glee doesn't do that. The best they have is the "I'm the villain and I hate you more than cockroaches but for some reason I'll let you perform at my sister's funeral that was very touching thank you ok now I hate you again." Sometimes the show has a good message about acceptance or being happy with who you are, but those are always ham-fisted and bizarrely out of place.

Again, I have my doubts that the show's creators had such complexity in mind when they wrote the show. I think that what is more likely is that rather than the show being a reflection of Rachel Berry's interpretation of the world it's saying a lot more about how the show's creators see the world.

Ugh. I'm finding that the only reason I actually watch the show now is for the occasional joke and good music. Also that one time there were zombies. That was awesome.

Um I Kind of Love You Guys a Lot.

2011-10-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

Every so often you just get overwhelmed with feelings, amirite? Like, you know? For real.

First just let me say how glad I am that I have been able to get to the point in my life where I legitimately love General Conference. When I was a kid I just thought it was a boring thing we had to sit through twice a year. My parents' rule was that we had to watch one session, and we could go play or whatever for the others if we wanted. When I got out to BYU my freshman year, I was surprised (and embarrassed) to learn that everyone else had watched all four sessions and took notes and everything. Now, thankfully, I love it and I'm sad it's over until April.

But I'm not here to talk about Conference. I want to talk about what President Monson said that got me thinking and reminiscing and whatever. Of everything he said this weekend, the one thing that really hit me the hardest was when he was giving his closing remarks Sunday afternoon. He just said, simply and honestly, “I love you.” People say that all the time to groups of people, and while they certainly appreciate them, I never really feel like they really, deeply, actually love them. But when President Monson said it, I knew it was completely from the bottom of his heart. He really does love all of us, and it serves as a reminder of how much more the Savior loves us.

I think part of the reason I felt it so strongly was because I know, at least a little, what he means. Those who know me well know that I loved working at EFY. It was the best job I ever had and I would do it forever if I could. Not because it pays well (it doesn't) or it's easy (it's not) or even because it's super duper fun (it is). I loved that job because every week I would be put in charge of a couple dozen strangers, and after five short days, I would love them with all of my heart.

I can't really explain it. But some of my favorite people in the world are my EFY kids. It might have to do with the fact that I was given the opportunity to teach them principles of the Gospel. Being in that role gives you a reason to be concerned with their welfare, and so you care about what happens to them. I felt a similar way as a missionary in Russia. There's something about knowing you have at least some of the answers that will make them happier than they ever knew they could be. With EFY kids, I know what kinds of things they have to deal with, and I want so desperately for them to know that it's going to be ok.

But it's more than that. It's not just that I can help them, because I don't even have all the answers, and a lot of them don't really need my help. I think it also has to do with the fact that I was able to grow with them. Kind of like Alma the Younger and the Sons of Mosiah. They had great experiences together, and those experiences bound them to each other. I love to see my EFY kids again and be inspired by their examples. Every day I'm on campus I hope to run into one of my old youths.

I guess my point is that I hope you guys don't think that we counselors just see EFY as another job. We don't just work with you for a week then move on to the next group. I've worked 29 sessions as a counselor. That means I've been a counselor for somewhere around 700+ youth. But while I might not remember all your names, I honestly and truly love you. Each and every single one of you. My time with you was some of the best of my life.

I know what a parent feels like to be disappointed when their son or daughter is making bad choices. Not because they are being bad, but because you know it's hurting them. I also know, more importantly, what it feels like to be proud of your kids when they accomplish something or when they make right choices.

I know what a bishop feels like when a member of his ward comes to him for counsel. He doesn't have disdain or lose respect for them. In fact, he loves and respects them for their courage and humility, and he constantly has a prayer in his heart, begging the Lord for the right words to help them.

I know what a teacher feels like to see the lights turn on in a student's mind. I know the thrill and joy of seeing a person finally understand incredible truths they never realized could make their lives so much better.

Most importantly, I know what the Savior feels like to love someone so completely. I can't hold a candle to His love for all of you, but because I knew and loved so many of you, I now understand, at least in part, how He is able to know each of us by name. It seems so impossible for one person to love so many people that individually, but if I can feel this much love for all of you, then He can definitely love the billions of us.

Every so often I get that desire to work at EFY again. Or even just work in the EFY office or something. Heck, I'll pass out water at the dance. I just have so much love for you guys and I don't have a way to channel it anymore. I just want you all to know that I miss you and I love you. Please trust the Savior and stay close to Him, because His love for us will literally fix everything.

I Am Disappoint.

2011-05-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

Sunday night was one of those nights. The kind where years later people ask each other if they remembered where they were when they heard the news. Nearly ten years after the attacks on September 11, 2001, Osama bin Laden was finally found and killed by US troops. This was a great day in terms of sweet, satisfying justice and good ol' OBL got what was coming to him. What fascinated me was the responses that came from people all over, especially people close to me.

You've probably heard of the famous fake Martin Luther King, Jr. quote that made the rounds on Monday. I saw at least eight or ten of my facebook friends post it. It goes like this:

‎"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

The funny thing is that it isn't actually a quote from MLK. Or more specifically, the first sentence isn't. The thing that bothers me is not that it was misattributed. I'm not even bothered by the sentiment it voices, regardless of who actually said it. I can completely relate to the feeling that you shouldn't rejoice over the death of a human being, even an evil one. The beef I have is with the reason why people were posting it.

One possible reason to voice that sentiment is to respond to what you might see as classless revelry over a person's death, seeing people partying in the streets, waving flags and dancing. It conjures up reminders of people celebrating in a similar way after the 9/11 attacks (though those people were cheering the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians, while people on Monday were rejoicing that a powerful terrorist leader had been eliminated... but still). But responding by posting a fake MLK quote like that is basically waving your nose in the air and getting all snooty over those uncouth, uncivilized ruffians who dare be happy that a madman was taken out. It's self-righteous and insensitive. If you really disapprove, that's ok. But let others deal with the news in their way without getting all judgmental and self-absorbed about it.

The other reason I thought of has more to do with politics, and I personally think it motivated a larger portion of the posts. There are so many people who can't STAND the idea that President Obama was the President who ordered the assassination of bin Laden. They hate him so much that literally nothing he does is, in any way, a good thing. I am still in awe that so many people have clambered for some reason to hate Obama for this.

"How dare they kill bin Laden? That is so un-Christian and merciless. No matter how bad a person is, they should be arrested and put on trial, not killed." I have a few points to make about that idea.

- First, the order was to take Osama dead or alive. Do you really think they would have killed him if they were able to take him alive? If you think it was politically motivated, and Barack Obama wanted bin Laden dead to boost his poll numbers, don't you think he'd rather have the guy alive so he could take him home in handcuffs? A trial would have lasted months, perhaps years, and Obama's poll numbers would have soared the whole time.

- Second. Many of these people who harrumph and fuss over the President's audacity to order the killing of bin Laden are the same people who fiercely defended Bush and the war. Are you telling me that sending the military to invade two countries and kill terrorists for ten years is a righteous cause, but sending a tactical team of Navy SEALs to take down Osama bin Laden is awful and unforgivable? I know what the difference is: The war was ordered by a Republican, and the May 1 operation was ordered by a Democrat. That is all this is about.

Which brings me to my next point. I am so fed up with all of the ways people are hating on the President. They are so committed to hating the guy that even when he does something that their beloved George W. Bush tried to do, he's still evil and trying to destroy this country. Look, I have said plenty of times before that I am not an Obama-lover. I disagree with him on plenty of things, but I also appreciate the things he does that I do agree with. The point is, I wait for him to do or say something before I decide how I feel about it. I have not decided, as so many others have, that because he is a Democrat, I will hate every single thing he does. That kind of political bigotry is the driving force behind everything that is wrong with politics in America.

Is Obama going to use this to get re-elected? You bet. He is a politician, and politicians have to use everything they can to get their way. Bush used 9/11 and the war in 2004. I hope Obama doesn't go too far with it, but he is certainly going to try to play up his role in this. And his opponents are going to use their political tactics to try and downplay his role and somehow build themselves up.

What bothers me is how people insist that the President had nothing to do with it. Baloney. You just can't stand that this guy you despise actually did something right. If you are going to say that Barack Obama played no part in Osama bin Laden's assassination, then you have to be prepared to say this as well:

- Abraham Lincoln had nothing to do with the North winning the Civil War. It was the soldiers and the officers and stuff.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt didn't do anything to win World War II. In fact, the war wasn't over until after his death, so Truman should get all the credit, if anyone.
- John F. Kennedy didn't put a man on the moon. That was all NASA and the astronauts.
- Ronald Reagan didn't do anything to end the Cold War or liberate East Germany. That was the citizens of those Communist nations. It was the Germans who physically tore down the Berlin Wall.

I'll admit that most of the honor and glory goes to the soldiers who landed at the compound in Abbottabad. They were the ones who risked their lives, and they were the ones who killed Osama and seized all the intel. But guess what? Like it or not, Barack Obama was a major player in the operation. No, he wasn't on the ground in Pakistan, but he was the one who ordered it. One of the very first things he did as President was tell the CIA to make the capture of Osama bin Laden their top priority. As intel came in, the President analyzed it and made judgement calls regarding what leads to follow and how to act. He had his role to play, it was an important role, and he played it with great success.

Is it such a hard thing for people to accept that President Obama actually did something right, and that he should get at least some credit for it? I remember when George W. Bush was in office, and we saw people criticize him and oppose the war. I recall some people saying things like, "Like him or not, he's the President, and that office deserves respect. I didn't want John Kerry to be President, but if he had been elected, I would have supported and respected his position." Now, those same people are doing exactly the same things they said would put others in Hell during the Bush Administration.

Here are a few pointers to keep in mind, and they generally apply to most American leaders, especially Presidents.
- He is not evil.
- He does not hate God, the military, or babies.
- He does not want to take away your healthcare, religion, safety or money. His policies might jeopardize some of those things, sure. It is possible that he is wrong about something. But he is not motivated by the tantalizing idea of snatching away Linda Pefferschmutz's Bible from her very arms.
- Yes, Bush did do some things to help find bin Laden. Obama also did things to help find the guy. Both deserve some credit.
- For the last f%@ing time, Barack Obama was born in the United States.

I'm not asking people to like Obama. I'm not asking anyone to vote for him. I'm not convinced I'm going to vote for him in 2012 (although if Palin, Trump, or Bachmann are the only other options, I won't have much of a choice). What I'm asking is for people to stick to their standards, but understand that others might disagree with them, and that's ok. If you don't like something that Obama is doing, fine. You can oppose it. You can encourage your Congressperson to try to vote it down. You can choose not to vote to re-elect him. But please, please stop fighting him tooth and nail on every single thing he does or says entirely because he is Barack Obama, or because he is a Democrat. I'd ask the same of people who do those things against a Republican President. I'm not asking people to choose a particular side in politics. I'm just asking people to be smart and mature about it, and accept that even someone you disagree with on a lot of issues might get something right once in a while. Take the good, and oppose the bad, but don't let idealogical bigotry blind you to one or the other of those things.

Trump vs. Rump

2011-04-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

In a bizarre kickoff to the next exhausting presidential election season, Donald Trump has, for some reason, convinced himself that he has a legitimate shot at taking the crown from Big O. Sure, businessmen and women have ran for president in the past, and they aren't entirely a terrible group of people from which to select a president. But Trump has long been kind of a weird guy, and I cannot fathom what has made him think that he's suddenly cut out for politics.

Stranger still, The Donald has inexplicably chosen the Birther cause as one of the primary pillars of his campaign. He decided that his message is basically: "You should elect me because I believe in a conspiracy theory more convoluted and desperate than the "Moon Landing Hoax" theory." Seriously? Running for president is a matter of gathering the most people to your side, trying not to alienate anyone but the votes you're willing to sacrifice. You basically have to convince a slight majority to vote for you, and to do that you have to take a strong position that a lot of people agree on and enough of the rest can be convinced of. So you really think that there are enough birthers out there to push you over the top? In fact, you pretty much have to hope over 50% of the people are birthers, because anyone who isn't is most likely going to think you're a nutcase and won't vote for you.

The very fact that birthers exist at all, especially that there are so many of them, is baffling to me. It started out as a desperate attempt to delegitimize Obama's election. He won very convincingly, so it would be hard to blame a rigged election or demand a recount. So someone looked for something else, and found one tiny glimmer of false hope, and cooked up a conspiracy theory. It was perfect, because even though it was a long shot, and could be proved to a satisfying degree for most people, paranoid people could always find reasons to remain unconvinced.

The fact is, the birther issue has been settled, and by all legal scrutiny, Barack Obama has been ruled to be an American citizen. They begrudgingly inspected his birth certificate, and said yes, it's real, and yes, he is in fact American by birth. But Trump is still not convinced. He supposedly has a team of very smart people in Hawaii doing their own detective work, and he refuses to be convinced until the president proves that he is an American. But tons of people are still doing what Trump is doing. They are insisting that they will not be convinced until Obama drives down to their house and personally presents his birth certificate to them so they can inspect it.

This is so stupid to me. They say he is acting all suspicious because he won't show it. Let me illustrate the stupidity of this with a different example. Let's say that President Obama has The Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tattooed on his left buttcheek. We really have no way of knowing this, nor is there any evidence that it's in any way true. But wouldn't that be hilarious? I want it to be true, therefore I will believe it until President Barack proves me wrong.

Pictured: Barack's Obottom

There are several ways for the president to respond to this. First, he could just ignore it, passing it off as a weird, crackpot idea that has no real merit. I say that his lack of response just proves his guilt. He's trying to silence the truth, man! We must demand that he either confess and step down, or prove we're wrong! Okay, so he has some qualified individuals testify on his behalf. His doctor and his wife go before the nation and let us know that the president of the United States does not have an 80's cartoon villain tattooed on his backside. Well obviously the doctor has been paid off, and the First Lady won't out her husband. Cahoots! All right, so the President finally gives in and stands on Capitol Hill with his pants around his knees and every news network displays the Caboose-in-Chief, unequivocally un-inked. They zoom in, using their HD cameras. Headlines around the world declare the news to the world: "NO JUNK ON THIS TRUNK", "BARACK'S BOOTY BEREFT OF BAD GUY", "CRACK LACKING: NO MAN ON THIS MOON", and "GOOD GAME: PRESIDENT SPANKS OPPONENTS BY SILENCING RUMORS WITH DEADLY EVIDENCE".

Even then, there will be doubters. They will say the President used concealer, the media altered the footage, a lookalike was used. They will never be convinced until the President comes to their house and lets them scrutinize his booty. The point is, he shouldn't have to. He should not have to be constantly harassed with idiotic and baseless accusations. The President's citizenship should not be an issue in the election. Not in 2008, and not now. And for a circus clown like Donald Trump to bring it up and encourage this idiocy is just irresponsible, unproductive and distracting.

So here's my idea.

We need to give good ol' Trumpy a taste of his own medicine. I think we need to start a rumor that Donald Trump is not human, but is in fact an alien in a moderately convincing human disguise. It wouldn't be that much of a stretch. Look at the guy. His ridiculous hair is a thing of legend. He has an unnatural orange hue to his skin (except around the eyes). He talks really weird, shaping his mouth in bizarre ways that nobody else does. And his skin looks like a lumpy, rubbery mass haphazardly hanging off of some misshapen humanoid structure.

"Just tuck the extra skin into the collar. I'm going on 60 Minutes tonight."

He can't prove he isn't a real human. What will he do? Have doctors testify? Paid off! Show his birth certificate? Fake! Have a DNA test done? Easily fabricated! The fact is, there isn't a thing he can do to prove beyond any doubt that he is, in fact, a human being. And if I had my way, this would become such a big thing that he would be forced to withdraw from the Presidential race. Let's face it, it's more plausible that Donald Trump is an alien than that Barack Obama isn't a real American citizen.

So I Guess This Is A Thing

2011-04-06T22:36:00.000-07:00

I started a new blog. It's dedicated exclusively to bashing stupid commercials. Enjoy.

http://adstupid.blogspot.com

Now I Know Why It's Called the "Honor Code"

2011-03-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

If you are in any way keeping up with college basketball or know someone who is, you have most likely heard the recent news about BYU's Brandon Davies. He was a starting player on the team, which just this week climbed to a #3 national ranking. The Cougars have had possibly the best season in BYU basketball history. Well, in the same weekend they earned one of the biggest wins of the year, Davies was dismissed from the team for an Honor Code violation. The university has not disclosed the specific violation, but reports have come in that Davies had had sex with his girlfriend.

The country has been buzzing about this story. Most do not understand the need to kick a star player off the team for something so trivial as having consensual sex, something that most college students do more than go to class. I completely understand the confusion. We are one of the few groups of people who believe in abstinence before marriage and who actually follow that teaching. Jon Stewart (who mostly praised the decision) poked fun at the situation, saying, "You know what they call a Division I athlete that limits his sex to either just his girlfriend, or just to consent? A fictional character."

But even though they might not agree with BYU's strict standards, the general response has been extremely positive. People are praising BYU for having standards and actually enforcing them, regardless of the student's celebrity status. They point out how refreshing it is to see a university impose real punishment on athletes for violations of school codes of conduct. In the past year alone we've seen Ohio State acknowledge that four star football players violated NCAA rules, but suspend them starting next season, instead of benching them for the fast-approaching Sugar Bowl. This very week a Washington State basketball player was cited for marijuana possession. His punishment? A one-game suspension. You see, he had just come off a 22-point performance against USC. Can't have him out too long. Sure, athletes sometimes do silly little things, like use steroids, cheat on tests, commit armed robbery and rape. But boys will be boys, right? Give them a slap on the wrist, then let them suit up on Saturday. They're too valuable to let something so trivial as grand larceny get in the way.

As a BYU basketball fan, I have to admit that losing Davies is a huge blow. He was an important part of an amazing team that had the potential to go to the Final Four, maybe even the title game. Without him, those goals are not entirely out of reach, but they are much more difficult. But at the same time, I am so happy with the way this situation has played out.

One of the greatest benefits of BYU having athletic success is that it puts the university and the Church more in the public view. It gives us a chance to show the country who we are. Conversations can start about basketball, then potentially lead to someone becoming interested in the Church. If nothing else, it shows people that we are just like them in a lot of ways, while giving us a chance to proudly show how we're different. We are not a little isolationist group that shies away from attention. We welcome open discussion about our faith and are always ready and willing to answer people's questions.

With Davies' suspension, people now have even more reason to talk to their LDS friends. They get to see that Mormons are people who stick to their standards. By holding Brandon Davies to the same expectations- and consequences- as any other student, BYU has shown that we are a people who have standards, and those standards are more important than anything. Bronco Mendenhall teaches his football players to put football fifth in their lives. Football comes only after God, family, education, and friends, in that order. We teach that God exists, He loves us, and because of that love, He expects us to live a certain way. We don't just live by our standards, unless it might cost us a basketball championship. We live by our standards, period.

It also gives us a chance to set an example for other schools. The overwhelming support for BYU's decision has shown that people appreciate it when schools have integrity, even if they don't agree with the standards. It puts more pressure on the other universities nationwide. They now have to consider how to respond to student-athletes who get into trouble. Do they give them a light sentence to keep their season intact? BYU will be held up as the standard by which others compare everyone else. That's a good position to be in.

For me, this situation also illustrates an important lesson in the Gospel. As a missionary, I learned very well how much of a sacrifice the Gospel can require. Everybody who gains a testimony of it will, at some point, face a test. God will give you a test to see how committed you really are. Sure, being a member of the Church is great when you have friends in the ward and you see your health improve after you quit smoking and you have those great family home evenings that make you so glad that you have your family for eternity. But what about when someone at church offends you? What about when you get really sick and the doctors aren't sure if they'll be able to save you? What about when a family member loses their way and your relationship with them is strained? Do you still follow the teachings you know are true, even when they don't seem to be bringing you blessings?

Heavenly Father quite often manages to test us at the worst possible times. We've all heard the stories. A man goes to meet with an executive who could give him a dream job, but the executive offers him whiskey, saying that it would be disrespectful to refuse. A star baseball player risks getting kicked off the team unless he plays at the big game on Sunday. Do their standards come first?

I truly believe that this Brandon Davies situation did not just happen. When it first happened, BYU was winding down a spectacular regular season. They had just beaten San Diego State, a top-10 team and their biggest conference opponent, for the second time. Monday's rankings would put the Cougars at #3 in the nation. They only had two losses in the whole season. They had Jimmer Fredette, generally accepted by nearly all analysts as the unquestionable frontrunner for National Player of the Year. They were on pace to a 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament and a potential Final Four appearance, maybe even making it to the final game. With all of this, in one of the best seasons in BYU history, one of their star players broke a serious rule. Now, when they had the most on the line, God chose to test them.

I believe that they made the right choice. They passed the test. No matter what happens the rest of this season, we all know one thing: That BYU, and the LDS Church, place standards above all else. Mormons are people who live what they preach. We do not compromise our principles.

I don't know how the postseason will turn out. I like to believe that God will reward BYU for their integrity. I think we'll still do really well in the tournament. But even if we lose in the first round, and it can all be blamed on the fact that we did not have Brandon Davies, we will have still won. This season has been electrifying. I have been completely awestruck at how great my team has done and the attention and respect my school has gotten because of our performance. But nothing has made me prouder than the handling of Brandon Davies' Honor Code violation. I now know for sure that this school is a place where honor means something. It is a place where we never compromise our standards, and we faithfully follow our God no matter what we might lose in the process. And I have been given the strength to face the inevitable challenges that will come in my life with the same conviction and integrity.

I have never been prouder to call myself a BYU Cougar.

#8

2011-01-18T20:41:00.001-08:00

October 22, 1991

I BrusHt' My Teet
After BreKfast.
Mom Said I Have
A Super !

*bongo drum*

#7

2011-01-15T13:43:00.001-08:00

Nov. 7, 1991

Hands, Hands
I LoVe My Hands
Because They Can
Pick up Things.
I LiKe it!
They Can Pickup So Many
Things!
I Cant' BeliVe it!

*bongo drum*

#6

2011-01-13T00:50:00.000-08:00

March 3, 1992

It's SPACE !
What iS Space? I do not Know.
Space is

*bongo drum*

#5

2011-01-06T23:28:00.000-08:00

Oct. 23, 1991

Chocolate Candy

Chocolate KisSes
are yummy!
Sometimes They
Have Almonds
in Them.
SomeTimeS They
Don't Have AlmondS

*bongo drum*

#4

2011-01-03T21:43:00.000-08:00

March 16, 1992

Wow! It is SoColdout
I had to Wear my mittens.
I even had to Put my hood on.
I don't like Wearing my hood,
but I have to.

*bongo drum*

#3

2010-12-30T22:57:00.000-08:00

Friday, Nov. 15, 1991

1. Today I am Buying Pop-Corn!
2. It is Good!
3. it is So Buttery!
4. I hope There is Pop-Corn Next Week.

*bongo drum*

People In My Classes Who Bother Me

2010-11-10T21:32:00.000-08:00

- The freshman who thinks that he's still in a high school class of 20 students and he can be “cute” and joke around with the professor in the middle of a lecture. You are not in high school anymore. You are not the center of the world anymore. You are in a university lecture hall with 200 other students. Stop trying to stand out and be friends with the teacher.

- The older lady who has gone back to college now that her kids are out of the house. I don't have a problem with these ladies in general... My own mother is one of them. I'm irritated by the ones that apparently think the class is just like having lunch with friends or Good News Minute in Relief Society. In one class recently we were talking about the slave trade in the early American colonies. Our token fortysomething raised her hand in the middle of lecture and said, “You know, I remember when 'Roots' came out and it was just such a realistic depiction of slavery. It was just so awful the things these people went through...” That was the comment. Sure, none of it was untrue. But it added literally nothing to the discussion. Nobody learned anything from what she said. She didn't ask a question. It was barely even relevant.
That same lady also commented during a lecture about the early native peoples of North America. When the Four Corners area was mentioned, she raised her hand and told us all how when her son was on a mission someone told him how someone they know heard that President Hinckley said once that he'll never visit the Four Corners because that's where the Gadianton Robbers lived. It was kind of hilarious because the professor even called it out, asking if she was sure it was for real or just Mission Gossip. She, of course, swore up and down that it was true.

- The guy who comes in 15 minutes late and sits in the center of the front row. Since the door is at the front of the room, he's facing the class as he walks in and always has this stupid grin on his face as he looks at us, as if he's joining his peeps in someone's basement to watch a movie or something. He raises his hand about 15 times a class and always has the stupidest questions or jokes that add nothing to the lecture. Nobody thinks he's funny, but he always feels the need to pipe up.

- The hefty gentleman with BO who always sat next to me for some reason- in both of the classes we happened to have together.

- The girl who was a Middle East studies major and always felt the need to say so. I had like three different classes with her, one of which was a course about Islam. From the way she talked, it sometimes seemed like she thought she was a better authority than the professor. I swear, half of her comments started with “Well, I'm a Middle East studies major, so...” or "I actually study Arabic, and actually..."

- The guy in my Art History class who thinks that every work of art is supposed to symbolize genitalia. He sounded like he was trying to sound really smart (“This work seems almost Freudian with the tower in the middle there...”), but everybody just thought he had a dirty mind, or maybe he thought that by finding wieners in art and mentioning Freud would impress the professor. It was kinda funny seeing the prof try to respectfully disagree.

- The young parent that brings their baby to class. Thankfully, this doesn't happen very often and I'm quite sure most student-parents don't do this except in extreme circumstances where they don't have a choice. It's just that a university class is no place for a baby. I love babies, but not when I'm trying to pay attention in class and the kid is crying or goo-gooing. Paying attention is hard enough without that racket, and especially when all you want to do is hold the baby and pinch his chubby cheeks. Have some respect, you little punk.

The Airing of Gleevances

2010-10-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

So I watch Glee. Well, I sort of watch it. I'm not one to excitedly count down to each Tuesday night and clear my schedule so I can watch it when it airs. I don't pre-order my copy of the next album on iTunes. In other words, I am no "gleek".

But I do usually watch the latest episode online when I have some free time. This is mainly because I do enjoy some of the music. I appreciate a good cover of a song, and I've often enjoyed a cappella music and other such music. So I have a few Glee songs on my iPod. The show also has some really good humor sometimes. Sue Sylvester in particular has made me laugh out loud on more than a few occasions.

That said, I'm starting to lose faith in this show. While I haven't always really connected with the feel of it (25 year old men aren't exactly the target demographic, and I'm ok with that), I can at least in part understand the appeal to the show's fans. But lately, I'm becoming more and more confused.

Is it satire?

What, exactly, are they trying to accomplish with Glee? At the start, it seemed like they wanted to be the anti-High School Musical, a noble endeavor in my book. It looked like it might be sharp satire mixed with snappy music. There were times when you had to take it as such, like when the heroes of the story bake Mary Jane into their cupcakes to boost fundraising sales. Or when the teacher plants weed in a student's bag so he could use it as leverage to get him to join the club. Or when another adult has sex with some high school boys to get on their good side. If this was a sincere show, these characters, who are all protagonists, would be role models, making this behavior unacceptable. If it's satire, then it's hilarious and can be passed off as wacky hijinks.

So it's satire. Right? But wait...

Then we have scenes that are serious and sincere and at times inspiring. A cheerleader sings Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" at a school assembly. A gay character comes out to his dad, whose response was an amazing lesson to all who might be faced with such a situation. In a later episode, that same dad yells at another character for some intolerant and hateful things he heard him say. We see this show have real, sincere moments that preach self-confidence, acceptance, love, and other great things.

Both at the same time?

Ok, so it's kind of a schizophrenic show. But then there are baffling moments when I don't get what they're doing. In one episode, one of the girls, who is pregnant, sings James Brown's "It's a Man's World", meant to be a soulful expression of her frustration with the difficulties of teen pregnancy. I thought it was hilarious. I though it was supposed to be. Not because of the song itself, or its message, but because Quinn was being backed up by a half dozen other pregnant girls, all dancing ballet behind her. The way it was performed, I honestly thought they wanted us to laugh. But then, when the song is over, the other characters go and hug her in this tender moment of "I'm so sorry for what you're going through." I don't know what they were trying to accomplish, but I went away from it confused.

Take me seriously!

Suspend reality. Completely.

Then there's the issue of realism. Glee's writers clearly have zero understanding of football. Sure, it's hysterical to see the whole football team perform "All the Single Ladies". But they kinda have a play clock that doesn't pause when they decide to bust out the Beyonce. And no matter how much you want to make a statement about equality and acceptance, a person in a wheelchair cannot play on the football team. It's not about inequality. It's about the rules. Then there was the amusing finale of Season One where the pregnant girl has time to go into labor, get to the hospital, and give birth to her child, all in about an hour real-time. Come on.

Something is extremely wrong with this picture. And I'm not talking about the coach.

Ok, fine, they don't understand football or childbirth. But then there's the moronic "high school culture" we see all over TV and cinema. That whole "cheerleaders and football players have a divinely appointed position in society" garbage. I'm not saying there's not some level of superficiality among teenagers. Sure, people can be mean and bullies generally target people based on stupid, ignorant things. Finn is the starting quarterback. He's popular. He joins Glee club. All of a sudden, his teammates hate him, even though he's still on the football team. Artie wants to be on the football team so Tina will like him. That is in no way the only way to get a girl to like you. In fact, a normal show would teach him that. But the show makes no argument with his attitude. In fact, it seems to be headed towards some way to get him on the team. The Glee club is super talented and seems to have a limitless budget. They do amazing performances to sold out crowds. And yet, they are still seen as the scum of the earth in the school halls.

Look, when I was in high school, people liked you if you were good at something. That's not the only reason, and often it wouldn't be enough. But we had a killer choir program, and we were not picked on for being "choir dorks". In fact, my junior year I sat between a linebacker and the quarterback in choir. And our football team won states twice when I was going there. There was never any of that ridiculous "social order" show business keeps throwing at us. That's why I want to slam my head on my desk whenever I see people online gushing about how much they love Glee because it's so realistic to what high school is like. No. It is not.

The point is that for a story to be effective, it has to have some level of relatability to real life. If it's trying to be realistic, that is. If they're trying to make me feel for the characters and sympathize with their troubles, they have to have at least one foot in reality. If Kurt is supposed to be an example for the gay community, inspiring others in his situation as a teen dealing with their sexuality, and making a difference in society's acceptance of homosexuality, then they shouldn't make him an over-the-top caricature of a gay person. Same goes for Mercedes. Do they have to make the only black character a chubby, sassy black girl who says things like "Hell to the naw" and "You good, white boy, but let me put a little chocolate into this thing"? These kinds of things just make things worse.

Because every homosexual teenager looks like this.

Tim Gunn must be a producer

Then there's the music. I get that they would want to put certain songs into the show, and so would write the plot to make it work. Like having Artie feeling down about being left out of some things because of his disability, then singing "Dancing by Myself". But sometimes they twist the story around to try to make a song make sense. Like when they did a Madonna-themed episode, so they wrote in a subplot about some characters losing their virginity just so they could sing "Like a Virgin". They write just enough to have a reason to sing a song, then they forget about it. Last week's Britney Spears episode was the worst example of this. They aren't even trying anymore. Half the episode was just recreations of Britney Spears music videos. They didn't have any relevance to the plot. The writers just said, we need to have a bunch of Britney songs, but there isn't really a way to make them all relate to one plot. So we'll just have each character hallucinate themselves in Britney music videos, performing the songs. They aren't even trying to make it fit anymore.

I feel dirty.

One last bone to pick. What the frig is with the creepy Jewish kid with the 'fro? They turned the creepy to 11 last week. When the group was performing a Britney Spears song at an assembly, he was about to explode with how turned on he was. Like, in the most disturbing way possible. He even went so far as to grope the girl in front of him (Who turned out to be a boy with long hair. Isn't sexual abuse hilarious?). I just... is this kid supposed to be a wacky side character? Are we supposed to laugh at his awkwardness? Because I felt so uncomfortable after that episode.

Jacob Ben Israel: The Lovable Sex Predator!

A Profound Philosophical Post.

2010-05-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

Since today is Star Wars Day, and I friggin love Star Wars, I suppose I should say a few words about it. I'm watching A New Hope right now, and I'm thinking of what made this whole thing so popular and successful. I think I've come up with a few ideas. And while there are plenty of things about Star Wars that contribute to its awesomeness, a few main ones have a greater effect than the others. And it was by neglecting these things that George Lucas managed to make the prequels suck.

My first instinct is to credit the concept. The mythology of the Star Wars universe is original and interesting. But there are plenty of sci-fi/fantasy stories that have interesting concepts, some skillfully executed, others not so much. The weapons, scenery, characters, and other stuff are cool, but that doesn't explain the popularity the first movie managed to start. Plenty of movies could have interesting stuff, but something made people drawn to this.

Star Wars is a story about spaceships and aliens. Adventures in Space! But it doesn't throw that in your face. You see all these other movies and TV shows that are all, “LOOK! It's SCIENCE FICTIOOOOON!” They are aware of their sci-fi identity, and they stick to it. But Star Wars doesn't treat itself like a sci-fi story. Rather, it uses other genres to tell a story about things that happen to take place in space.

Think about it. Star Wars has it all. Swordfighting. Magic. Pirates. Gangsters. Aerial dogfighting. Romance. Tribes of primitive jungle natives. Gunslingers. Spies. Knights. A prophet in the wilderness. Religion. A princess in jeopardy. An evil empire fighting a rebellion. Politics. You could tag dozens of different stories in each of these genres. But Star Wars manages to put them all in the same story, and yet you don't even notice them. Other attempts to mash up different genres can easily be obvious and poorly handled. Firefly is well done, but it's a clear mix of space and western genres. In Star Wars, you don't even notice.

Another part of the whole not being too sci-fi self-aware is that it doesn't make a big deal about the sci-fi-ness. In Star Trek, they tend to be all, “Look you guys, it's a Holo-Deck! Isn't this tricorder cool? I have a laser gun!” The other shows tend to show off how cool stuff is and use the futuristic setting as a blank check to solve problems and fill plot holes. In Star Wars, they bring you into a world that still has a lot of the same problems ours does, it just happens to have different technology and stuff.

Now, the problem is that George Lucas didn't seem to have a real awareness of the secret to his own success. The prequels suck. Not because the story was bad, but because Lucas put more of a priority on the things that made other stories mediocre. They're all about “Look at this cool thing! Now look at this cool thing! It's SCIENCE FICTIOOOOON!” It was like he wanted to sell toys more than tell an interesting story. They tried to add to the mix of genres, throwing in racing, gladiators, and ground battles, but it wasn't as seamless as before. The podracing wasn't really necessary... the plot could have moved a different, more interesting way. But more merchandise could be made with podracing.

The original movies were rugged and real-feeling. That made them relatable. It was easier to feel like a part of them. The prequels were crisp and shiny, making them fun to look at, but not really deep. It's kind of like the difference between the girl who bleaches her hair, gets a boob job and wears nothing but pink, thinking that's all it takes to get a guy and the girl who actually has personality, interests, and passions. Sure, the first one might be good-looking, but you pick the second one because there is more to what a person is looking for than looks. The prequels are good for mindless entertainment, but the original movies are the kind you take home to Mom.

This Cannot Possibly Be Real.

2010-04-28T10:31:00.001-07:00

Ever watch a movie or a TV show that's a comedy and has a part where someone sees a trailer for a movie? Like, the characters are watching TV and a movie trailer comes on. It's always absurd and exaggerated, since they're making fun of those kind of movies. Am I making sense? It's like in The Office when they watched that movie with Jack Black and Cloris Leachman. It was over-the-top, and it was funny because there's no way a movie that dumb would actually exist. Not one that would be taken seriously, anyway.

That's how I've felt with the trailers for two movies that are actually coming out.
"Furry Vengeance" and "Sex and the City 2". "Vengeance" already looked stupid, with the first trailers featuring Brendan Fraser getting attacked by forest animals in ways that you know are meant to be funny, but make you look at the TV the same way you look at a 45-year-old social studies teacher trying to dance cool at a middle school dance. It's like, dude... just stop.

Well, "Furry Vengeance" has managed to raise the bar for stupid. The latest trailer consisted mostly of poorly animated woodland creatures doing a dance number in Brendan Fraser's kitchen. I really think that the idiots behind this film came up with some simple reason to make animals mad at a person, then created an hour and a half of overused, juvenile physical "comedy" involving port-a-potties and people slipping dramatically on things. Then they said, "It still need something... I know! find the least talented, most desperate computer animators and have them put together a low-budget dance sequence with all of the animals for no effing reason!" It reminds me of the guinea pig in that Adam Sandler movie, "Bedtime Stories". The creators clearly thought this rodent was the most hilarious thing on earth, giving it way too much screen time and even having it prominently featured in trailers and posters. Yet, the thing had almost zero purpose in the story, and it was never funny. Not once. The difference here, though, is that "Furry Vengeance" is an entire movie.

Then I saw the trailer for "Sex and the City 2". That entire franchise is one of the main reasons al-Qaeda hates us so much. I never got why anyone liked that show in the first place. Granted, I'm not a woman, and the show isn't targeted at my demographic. But from the little I've been unfortunate to see of that show, I can say that I would never date any woman who was a fan of that show. I don't think I'd even want to be friends with a fan of that show. And I know that I'm not any sort of fashion expert, but I was always under the impression that good fashion was something that was original and daring, but also looked good. I'm not talking about those ridiculous fashion shows where the models wear chrome pizza boxes and telephones on their heads. That stuff isn't really meant to be worn around. It's a form of artistic expression. I'm talking about good fashion, things that people wear around. Sarah Jessica Parker's character is supposed to be famously fashionable. Yet everything I've seen her wear in the commercials for that show is completely stupid. If people saw someone dressed like her on the streets, they wouldn't think, "Girlfriend, she looks FABULOUS!" and then snap three times. They would think "Man, that woman looks stupid. Was she dressed by her three-year-old grandchild?" Also, Sarah Jessica Parker is old.

Anyway, that isn't the only reason I hate "Sex and the City" and the trailer for its new movie. I hate just about everything about it. Like a blaxploitation flick from the 70s, all it does is reinforce every negative stereotype that people have about its target audience. Some people hail it as empowering, yet in my opinion, it's degrading and insulting to women. Twilight is the same way, but I will not get into that.

My point is that both "Furry Vengeance" and "Sex and the City 2" look like movies that could not possibly actually exist. They seem like overexaggerated parodies of the movies they're inexplicably trying to be. You watch these trailers, and it takes a while before it fully sinks in that these are actual films that are actually being released. I am so glad I'm not a movie critic, because that would mean I'd have to go watch them. At least we can look forward to hilarious reviews.

"Furry Vengeance" and "Sex and the City 2". Two movies with titles that remind me of really unsettlingly creepy things. The first one makes me think of furries, those creepers that are turned on by dressing up as animals. The second makes me think of Sarah Jessica Parker and her hideous cohorts, and no sane mind should have to think of that.

#2

2010-04-15T00:26:00.000-07:00

Jan. 7, 1992

Ther's A Kind of Shape
That isn't qiet A triangle.
it is called A Parimyd.
They Are 3 Triangles
Pute Together.
they are in egypt.
that is Wher Mummys come
From.

*bongo drum*

You are Welcome to Snap Enthusiastically.

2010-04-10T11:07:00.001-07:00

Have you ever seen William Shatner reading quotes from Sarah Palin as poetry? It's hilarious. I'd post a link to a video, but my work computer has YouTube blocked. I'm not sure why...
Anyway, I recently acquired a large store of archaeological artifacts from my childhood. One such artifact is my school journal from first grade. This is some righteous stuff, man. I think it works great as some far out indie poetry. So here's the first of a series of entries comprising some wicked sick poems. I will do my best to preserve all of the spelling, capitalizations and punctuation. In this one, the last word is supposed to be underlined, but Blogger apparently doesn't believe in underlining things.

Jan. 30, 1992

Cars, Trucks, and Vans, Have
Lots of Parts to them.
there are Wheels, Windows,
Doors, Seats, A Stearing
Wheel, And electricity

*bongo drum*

A Few Morsels

2010-03-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

1. Here's a timeline of Tim Tebow's press coverage:
- During his college career
The Media: He's the bestest ever! All praise Tim Tebow, the patron saint of football! He's like Superman, Chuck Norris and an astronaut all rolled up into one! I smell three Heismans in a row!

Me: I don't get the hype. He's not bad, but he's hardly superhuman...

- After he lost his chances for a National Championship his senior year
The Media: That's too bad, but he's still the best evar! Let's do TV specials where Florida players and coaches go on and on about how he's probably the best college football player ever in the history of everything!

Me: Sucks for him, but I'm not that surprised. And there are much better teams out there that deserve it more.

- Post-season, as he gets ready for the draft
The Media: Is Tim Tebow really that good? Will he even be drafted? He's got a lot of progress to make before he can be considered good enough for a good draft pick. Maybe he should play as something besides quarterback.

Me: wtf

2. I've figured out what I'm going to major in. Finally. As I near the end of my senior year. I am going to major in History and double minor in Russian Teaching and Visual Arts. That way I don't have to worry about applying to a program and getting rejected again and wasting all my time trying to get into another one, just to get rejected again. I can take most of the classes pretty much whenever I want, and I should be able to graduate in three or four semesters. I might drop one of the minors to save time, but neither should take up that much time, and it will expand my career opportunities. We'll see what happens. Also, I picked History for two reasons: First, I'm seriously considering being a teacher, and that's a subject I can do well in here and I'll enjoy teaching. Second, it's one of the shortest majors I found, so I'll be out of here sooner.

3. I'm extremely depressed that basketball season is almost over. Here's my list of sports in order of how much I follow them:

1. College football
2. College basketball
3. Olympics
4. NFL
5. NBA
6. NHL
Not even on the list: Baseball, soccer, golf, pretty much everything
else. Also, poker is not a sport and it's an abomination that ESPN
covers it.
So you can see my problem. As you go down the list, I become more and more disinterested. I keep track of how teams like the Jazz and Capitals do, but I really don't care that much. But at least it's something. Pretty soon, not even the NBA or NHL will be in season, and there will be this empty void of any interesting sports until football starts again. It makes me so depressed that baseball is starting to be on TV a lot now. And now that there are only like two games left in the NCAA tournament that could possibly give me point on my bracket, I find little reason to care much about that, either. Seriously, three of my Final Four are out, including my winner. I'm so glad I don't gamble.

4. I don't get the appeal of those graphic tees that just have a drawing of some sort of pun. Like a drawing of the Flash from the back wearing a trenchcoat and holding it open. Get it? Because he's the "Flash" and he's "Flashing" people! Or the one of Darth Vader in shock as he reads the results of a paternity test. Right, because he's Luke's father and it's a big surprise. Hysterical. Look, I'm not saying they aren't funny... they're (usually) clever enough, but why the obsession with putting them on shirts? It's like a Far Side cartoon on a shirt. There's got to be a more appropriate medium. Maybe the tee shirt artists have no other talent for humor, so all they can do is come up with a lame pun and put it on a shirt. I just don't get it.

5. I honestly find it really unsettling at the obsessed devotion that some people have for Fox News. And I'm sure that I've got a few people who read this that like Fox News, but this is just how I feel. Fox, to me, is a joke. Their slogan, "Fair and Balanced", reminds me of Honest John from Pinnochio. He calls himself that to try and get people to trust him, when he's clearly a very sleazy and dangerous con man. I realize that all news channels are biased in some way. It's literally impossible to have a newspaper, channel, or radio station that is entirely unbiased. But Fox is so clearly and famously partisan that I can't help but laugh whenever I hear that ridiculous tagline.
As someone who has spent some time in a formerly Communist country, I can't help but notice how much Fox News reminds me of that kind of a society. You've got O'Reilly, Hannity, and Beck constantly blaring on and on about the noble and righteous Republican Party. They decry anything that the liberals do, and if a fellow conservative does or says something that agrees with the Democrats, they are blasted as traitors and unamerican. If the elders of Fox News had their way, there would be a statue of Reagan in every town, just like every Russian town, no matter how small, has at least one of Lenin.
I don't hate conservatives or Republicans. In fact, I tend to agree with a lot of things they stand for. But I also find myself agreeing with a lot of things that Democrats talk about as well. My disdain for Fox News has nothing to do with my own personal politics, but rather my wish to see real integrity in journalism. The thing that really scares me is how devoted a lot of people are to Fox News, thinking it's the only place you can get the "truth". My roommate is one of them. If he's the one with the remote, he's watching Fox News. And not just the news part, but I've seen him watching Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck, the latter of whom makes me sick to think he's a member of my faith.
That's what really unsettles me. That there are people out there who seem to think that to be conservative is the only right way to think, and Fox News is the Holy Bastion of Absolute Truth, and if you don't like it then you can just go spend some time in a camp in Siberia. That's what scares me. Which brings me to my next point.

6. Why is it that some people think that you have to agree entirely with one political party?
I find it difficult whenever there is an election because there are valid things to be found with both sides. I found it difficult when picking between McCain and Obama, because for me it wasn't a matter of who was the right one, but which side had it right on the things I felt mattered the most.
Now, I realize that pundits and campaign staffers try to demonize the opposition to get you completely committed to their side. That's their job. They've got to get all the votes they can, and they'll go to great lengths to convince people. That's not what I'm talking about, though. What I don't get is the regular people who feel that one side is the absolute right one.
Perfect example. Have you ever seen the documentary "Jesus Camp"? Scared me more than "Poltergeist". There was a lot that was scary, but I'll just mention a few things. The film is about a summer camp for Evangelical kids, where they learn to come unto Christ and be devoted to the Gospel. So far, so good. I'm not going to discuss the doctrinal differences, because that's not my problem. They're welcome to believe what they want. But they showed some scenes of some of the kids at home. A lot of them are homeschooled, which seems to be popular among Evangelicals. They used these special textbooks that were published by church groups, so the books taught things like the age of the Earth and the creation of life in the context of their faith.
What confused me was the part where they were learning about Global Warming. How the French is that a religious matter? Why is it that just because they vote Republican in matters of gay marriage, abortion, prayer in schools (all things related to religious convictions), that means you have to believe that Global Warming is a hoax? And why does it also mean that you have to agree with going to war? I would honestly think that both of those issues would go the other way for a religious person. Shouldn't a Christian be more likely to want to take care of the planet? Shouldn't a Christian be more reluctant to go to war? I know that it depends a lot on the reasons for the war and that they probably wouldn't support a clearly unjustified war. But conservatives are famously more supportive of war efforts than liberals.
That's what I don't get. Why does a person's politics have to come in a package set? I don't identify myself with a political party because no political party identifies itself with me. I'm tired of being told it's one or the other. I wish we could do away with the Democrat-Republican system and just have candidates that we vote for because we most closely agree with their politics. How many people don't even pay attention to a candidate's position, but just vote across party lines? How often do we see the House or the Senate have a bill that has some of each party voting "No" and some of each voting "Yes"? Partisan politics are dividing the country. They make people attach labels on one another so they can decide whether to like them or not. I know plenty of people who will pick apart every little thing Obama does, just because he's a Democrat. They won't admit that's why, but that's what they do. The same happened with Dubya. People criticized everything Bush did, just because he was a Republican. It sickens me, and I want no part of it.

7. Speaking of being sick, have you seen the trailer for "Marmaduke"?

Get Over It.

2009-11-28T22:06:00.001-08:00

The 2009 Holy War was one for the TiVo. It was exactly the kind of game a huge rivalry should be. Granted, I loved it so much because my team won, but before the game was over, I was already thinking to myself how good a game it was, and even if we lost, I'd still think so. I think both teams did a lot of really good ball playing, and if Utah had won, I would have congratulated them.
By now we have all heard what Max Hall said after the game. It's going to go down as one of the famous rivalry quotes, and it will light a fire under the Utes for years.

"I don't like Utah. In fact, I hate them. I hate everything about them. I hate their program, their fans. I hate everything," Hall said. "It felt really good to send those guys home."
"I think the whole university and their fans and the organization is classless," Hall said. "They threw beer on my family and stuff last year and did a whole bunch of nasty things. I don't respect them and they deserved to lose."

A lot of people see this as a classless thing to say itself. It's unsportsmanlike to say those kinds of things. Hall is showing that he isn't a good winner, and he can't be gracious about it.
While I do agree in part with those observations, I feel we should still give him a bit of a break. Let's be honest, who among us wouldn't feel that way if our family had been treated that way? While it was probably a mistake to say those kinds of things, I hope at least it will show people what kinds of jerks you can find wearing crimson in Salt Lake. Hall was classless, but those fans were worse.
The Intergoogles are lighting up with all kinds of anti-BYU and anti-Max Hall chatter from bitter Utah fans. His comments are the very definition of adding insult to injury, and he won't be forgiven any time soon. But people need to chill out a little bit, take a breath, and understand a few important and absolute truths.

1. Football fans are jerks. No matter where you go, you will find people in any stadium that give their programs a bad name, both on the field and in the stands. Utah has insufferable, whiny, bitter fans. So does BYU. BYU has players who are unkind and unsportsmanlike. So does Utah.

Get over it.

2. A rivalry game like the Holy War will always be intense. In a lot of cases, the game will be really close, even if one team is supposed to be a huge underdog. You can make excuses, blame it on the refs or injuries, but the fact is, one team will win, the other will lose. Accept it and prepare for the next year.

3. Winning does not make you better than the other team. Neither does losing.

4. Not all fans are jerks. In fact, most of them aren't. I like to think that I'm a sportsmanlike, level-headed BYU fan. I have huge respect for Utah for last year's season. The same goes for TCU this year. I have good friends who are Utah fans. We trash talk and stuff, but we're still friends. Nobody - not Max Hall, not Utah fans, not anybody - should hate an entire school and every person near it based on one comment or incident.

Probably my biggest problem with Hall's comments is that it's going to give next year's Utah team a lot of fire that will make the game much harder for the Cougars to win, especially at Rice-Eccles.

Yeah, Max Hall was out of line. No, he doesn't speak for us all. Yes, some people deserved some of what he said. No, not everyone at the U deserved it.

Get over it.

Just Passing Through... For a Few Years

2009-11-04T09:30:00.001-08:00

I've figured it out.

Just two days ago, I was thinking about why I'm so unsatisfied. Why I find myself so unhappy where I am. I came to realize something that I haven't really seen for all this time. I have never enjoyed being here in Provo. In the nearly three and a half years since coming home from my mission plus my freshman year before it, I cannot recall a single time when I was glad I lived in Provo and went to BYU.

Don't get me wrong- I've had good experiences. It isn't like I've hated every moment of every day here. I've taken some great classes, had good times, enjoyed going to things like football games and stuff. But as a whole, I can't say I've ever actually liked being here.

And then today I reached another startling conclusion that might make it more clear. I feel like a visitor. Sure, I know people I can call my friends, but every time I see them, it's because I'm the one visiting them. I go see some of my friends at their work, and that's the only place I ever see them. Others I work with, and I hang out with them at work, and that's just about it. Even my best friends from high school- I almost exclusively only ever see them when I'm the one stopping by their place to see what they're up to.

I don't blame anyone for this, and I don't want anyone to think I'm criticizing anybody. I'm just making an observation. All of my relationships involve me visiting others. I pass through, you could say. And similarly, I hold the same sentiment towards BYU and Provo. This is not where I belong. It isn't a fit for me. Trouble is, what do I do? I don't know where I do fit. I'd love to go somewhere else, and I've been researching other schools and places to live just about every day for the past few weeks. But pretty much every option I look at has significant issues and obstacles that would be really hard to overcome. Virginia Tech and UVA don't have the kinds of programs I want. Schools in England are too expensive, as is the whole process of getting over there and simply living there. Schools in other states are unbelievably expensive for non-residents. There was one school I looked at- Tuition for an in-state resident was something like $6,000. For a non-resident it was $26,000. How in the world do you justify charging TWENTY THOUSAND more dollars just because a person isn't a resident of your state? What more does it cost the university?

Anyway, I'm convinced I've pretty well determined the problem. There's a lot more detail that goes into it, but this is the broad view of it. Now I have to figure out what the solution is. And I have no idea where to start.

The Excitement of Monotony

2009-10-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ever have those times when someone says something that makes you dizzy from the level of immense stupidity of their logic? The other day I came across this delicious little morsel (http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/10263372/As-Phillips-falls-from-grace,-we-need-to-change-rules), an article that calls upon the reformation of the "antiquated system" of monogamy. The author insists that the recent development of gender equality and other societal norms have rendered it outdated. "Only humans are dumb enough to place such importance on sexual monogamy. It's unnatural. It's emotionally crippling. It destroys families." Um, pardon? Staying faithful to your spouse is what destroys families? One of my favorite parts of the article is right at the end, where he assigns levels of sexual infidelity as rewards corresponding to income earned. If a man earns between $250K and $500K a year, he should get certain privileges with other women. $500K to a million, and those privileges are extended. Over a million a year, and he should "come and go as he damn well pleases."

It's ironic that the author refers to gender equality and societal advances as justification for his ideas when he's so unabashedly sexist. "I should be allowed to sleep around as much as I want because I'm the man, and I bring in the money." I don't think he actually realizes how sexist he is; It's more likely that he's just an idiot.

I'd been thinking on this subject for a while, actually. (You mean you've been thinking about sex? What else is new, am I right fellas?) (Shut up.) I've noticed how there seem to be more and more people these days who not only feel no remorse when it comes to infidelity, but actually try to justify it and claim that it's only natural. "Marriage is an archaic and oppressive institution," says Matthew McConaughey in the film "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past." (I haven't seen the movie, but I saw that scene on a talk show a while back.) Granted, his character is given such sentiments to illustrate the story's lesson to the contrary, but there are people who truly believe that. If you don't feel like you should ever get married, then fine, that's your decision. But why would anyone deride it as something that weakens people and ultimately makes them unhappy, when it remains a thing that most people yearn for their whole lives? What is it about committing oneself to another person for the rest of their life (and eternity, for those of us that are into that kind of thing)?

When you really look at what led these people to such a sentiment, it isn't really that surprising. We live in a society that tells us that it is ok to be sexually active before marriage. This is a belief that some will even fiercely defend as a right that everyone has. They see abstinence as unnatural and oppressive. We are made to have sex, so how could having sex possibly be wrong? Some people, usually deeply religious people, strive to keep a standard of abstinence. They are sharply criticized and frequently attacked for being backward prudes. For everyone else, sex in a relationship is not only acceptable, but expected. If a couple has been together for a few weeks and still haven't slept together, people wonder what is wrong. Over a month without sex, and their friends start to urge them to break up. How can they really be in love if they won't have sex? I hear people all the time saying that sex is as important as breathing. Even if you aren't in a relationship, sex should still be happening. College students are the most notorious for going out on weekends with no objective other than to get into someone's pants. Entire movies have been dedicated to the goal of a one night stand.

So take someone who has been living their whole young lives with this kind of a lifestyle, then tell them that as soon as they put a ring on their finger, they can only have physical relations with one person. Since high school they've been pressured to get out there and be with whoever they can get, and now they have to keep it in their pants but for one person. Is it really a shock that a society like that has eventually led to this new logic of "natural infidelity"?

I couldn't believe how forgiving people were of Bill Clinton when he cheated on his wife with an intern. They said that we should leave his personal life alone. I get that his relationship with his wife is indeed a personal matter that does not concern the rest of us, but I felt that it said a lot about the kind of person he was. Cheating, to me, is a serious matter, and I was irate at how lightly it was treated by so many others in America.

I feel that you're less of a man if you cheat on your wife. Or your girlfriend, for that matter. If you are in an exclusive relationship, that means you have committed to that person, and that person only. That's kind of what "exclusive" means. If you're not comfortable with that, then don't enter the relationship. Nobody is forcing you to get married. I get the feeling that people like Jason Whitlock, the author of the article I mentioned, get married because they want the emotional benefits of being in a loving relationship, but when their spouse asks them to reserve a part of themselves only for them - How DARE they? - they get all in a snit and say they shouldn't have to. The reason he's not allowed to cheat on his wife is not because society says it's not ok. He can't cheat because his wife doesn't want him to. Every time he decides to be with another woman, he risks his relationship with his wife. He jeopardizes her emotional stability. Cheating isn't bad because society will look down on you. It's bad because it hurts your wife. And I know you care about whether your wife is in pain or not, because if you didn't, you wouldn't have married her.

Upon perusal of the comments to the article, I notice that some insist Whitlock's sentiments are meant as satire. It doesn't feel like it, but even if it is, it still reflects an idea that has begun to sprout in our culture. I challenge men everywhere to grow up and learn what it is to be a real man, which is to put others before yourself.

The Effys!

2009-10-20T22:37:00.000-07:00

So I've done 16 weeks of EFY as a counselor. Here's a list of some of the bests and worsts of those 16 weeks. I'll probably come up with some more eventually.

Keep in mind, dudes and dudettes: I'm not giving any awards for best company or hottest counselors or anything. That would do nothing but make people who didn't win feel bad. You won't be getting me to designate some favorite company or co-counselors, because they were all awesome. Really. I love all of my youth and co-counselors like my own family, and I don't regret knowing a single one of them.

THE EFY AWARDS

Best Variety Show- Ypsilanti '09/Mansfield '09

It's difficult to pick exactly which one of these shows was more epic. Ypsilanti had Napoleon Dynamite, a wicked violinist, and a sweet musical skit about missionaries. It also had a guy with a hole in his lung playing the piano. The hole wasn't part of the act. We found out about that later. But still. Hard. Core. Mansfield had whips, a song about toast, and a full on rock band. And not the video game kind. The real deal. I might have to give a slight edge to Mansfield since literally half of the show was my group. Of course, there have been a lot of pretty A+ shows, but these two stand high above them all.

Lamest Variety Show- Provo 2B '09
Seriously guys, this was probably the most unexpected letdown. There were what, 700 kids at that session? By way of statistical probability, it should have been a cooler show than any others I've been to. But for some reason, a large portion of the acts were really lame. I actually fell asleep for part of it. Not that all of it was bad, there were some really good parts, like the song from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown and the Taylor Swift dance number. (Don't judge me. You would understand if you had been there.) But the bulk of the show was lame guitar songs. Picture an hour of amateurs playing Plain White T's. That's the Provo 2B Variety Show 2009.

Best Dining Hall- Plymouth State University, Plymouth, NH
They had a guy who would make any sandwich you could come up with. You could have it toasted if you wanted, and there were tons of kinds of meat, cheese, bread, and fixins. Best pastrami I've ever had. They also had pizza at just about every meal, pasta, salad, and several entrees that changed every meal. To top it all off, the staff were the coolest ladies ever. They weren't just friendly- we joked around and had great conversations all the time. They were genuine. Legit, Holmes. I do mark the dining hall down for the napkin setup, though. Napkins were only found in these tall dispensers at the doorways to the dining area, so if you needed one while you were eating, you had to get up and walk across the room. There was, however, a little basket on every table with ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise and relish. Thank goodness for that. I can't count the number of times I've been eating, and then all of a sudden I was like, “MUSTARD! MUSTARD! SOMEONE HAND ME SOME MUSTARD, I NEED SOME RIGHT NOW!”

Lamest Dining Hall- Brigham Young University, Provo, UT
This probably comes due to the assembly line nature of Provo sessions. They have so many friggin youths at a time that lunches have to just be a sandwich, chips, and a bottle of water while you sit on the grass outside. I don't blame them for it, but it still sucks.

Best Dorms- Grand Canyon University, Phoenix, AZ
Here you have a quaint little suite. Two bedrooms with a little living room in the middle. Nothing super fancy, but as far as dorms go, it was pretty nice. I didn't like the hallway setup, though. Each wing was one looooong hallway that turned a couple of times so the whole building looked kind of like a huge, angular 3. The only entrances were in the lobby in the middle and at the very end of each hall. Well, we were only allowed to use the lobby entrances. The ones on the end were STRICTLY in case of fire ONLY. Guess where my room was.

Worst Dorms- Eastern Michigan University, Ypsilanti, MI
Cold, bare floors, shared bathrooms and metal doors. The doors wouldn't have been so bad, except that I could only get a wireless signal if my door was open. You couldn't get a signal in your room if the door was closed. In a dormitory.

Coolest Campus Staff- Plymouth State University, Plymouth, NH
Again, this is because of the ladies in the dining hall. And the sandwich guy. The other staff we worked with were pretty cool too, including a student who was the only Mormon that went to that school, so she helped us all week.

Nicest Campus- Eckerd College, St. Petersburg, FL
It's really no surprise that so many people like to vacation in Florida. This campus sits right on the coast at Tampa Bay, and it's full of the coolest trees and stuff. Even the storms were cool. As we had our games night on a soccer field next to the beach, this crazy intense storm worked its way across the bay towards us. It looked like something out of the apocalypse. I was expecting some giant spaceship to burst out of it. We could have died from all the lightning, but it was cool to look at.

I also saw this cool spider.

Lamest Campus- Mansfield University, Mansfield, PA
Every desk in the lecture halls was covered in graffiti. So were the bathroom stalls. It was like a reform school for idiots. The buildings were unimpressive, and the dorm was at the bottom of this relentless hill, so we had to climb it several times a friggin day.

Coolest Non-Company Youth- Plymouth 02 '09
This might have something to do with the small size of the session. Since there were so few of us, it was easy to get to know a lot of other people. Really cool kids.

9/11

2009-09-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

I wrote this back in '01 after September 11th. It's pretty lame, but I ain't no friggin poet, so back off.

Thanks to Dirk for digging this up.

10
Friends smile
Hearts swell
People laugh
All is well
Twilight deepens
Souls part
Eyelids droop
Thankful heart.

11
Dawn rekindles
All the same
Then comes evil
Bathed in flame
The sky darkens
Earth shakes
Roars of thunder
Hell breaks
Faces blanch
Tears escape
Death is sent
On wings of hate
Heroes born
Victims blessed
Heroes die
To save the rest.

12
Storm ends
World cries
Dust clears
Empty skies
A broken people
Fallen nation
Such is Satan's
Great expectation
His plot had failed
The aftermath
Has now set forth
A nation's wrath
Choked with tears
A changed forever
A grief-torn people
Come together
None shall forget
One tragic day
Standing as one
Together we say:
We will live on
We will fight
We will win
God is with us.

My Trip Home in Tweets (Or, What That Would Look Like If I Used Twitter)

2009-08-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

Finally, I've made it to the airport. I can get going home and relax for a day or two before I have to go back to work.

Great, there's a huge line to check in. Oh well, there are worse tragedies in life.

What? Our flight is canceled? The freak am I supposed to do now? I assume they'll just put me on the next available route out

Look lady, it's a simple rule of etiquette. It's not even about etiquette, it's just common sense. First graders understand it. I was in line first, therefore I am ahead of you. It is meant to stay that way. So stop trying to inch your way in front of me and stand so that you're turned slightly away from me so you don't have to look me in the eye.

We just turned the corner into the narrower, roped off part of the line. I won.

What's that? The next available itinerary is tomorrow at 5pm? Oh, there's a few earlier? Yeah, let's try to do that. As much as I love your airport, I'd rather leave it sooner than later. Ok, 6:15am. Just great. I love sitting around longer than I need to. Oh, no, of course it's “Not Your Fault”, so don't bother putting me in a hotel for the night. I enjoy sporadic sleep on tile floors.

You say you can give me a discounted hotel room? For only $89? YOU'RE A SAINT, DELTA AIRLINES!!! ONLY $89!!! I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO EAT NOTHING BUT RICE AND WATER FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!!!

Oh, you might be able to get a room at the Holiday Inn for me for $50? Yeah, that might be better... I still can't afford it, so I will see you in Hades.

Sweet! I can't check in until 4am! I love carrying all my stuff around the airport lobby!

I guess I could sleep on these couch-like things here. Except I wouldn't get much sleep because I'd be afraid of people stealing my bags. Maybe I should just get the hotel room. $50 isn't that much, I guess.

Yes, I was told earlier I could get a hotel room? Yes, $89 was what they told me, but they said they could get me one for $50? Oh, $65? Yeah, that's not exactly the same as $50. Fine, what's $15 more? I get a bed to sleep in.

Wow, the shuttle guy got here fast. That's handy.

Just checked in at the hotel. Yeah, the Delta people gave me a voucher, telling me it would be $65. I get there, and the girl at the front desk tells me it's $85. Um, no, they told me it was going to be $65. Oh, that's a mechanical problem discount, not a weather discount, which is the voucher they gave me. So they lied to my face as they handed me the voucher that made the price $85.

I don't care how great the deal still is. I still can't afford it. I would not be here in your hotel lobby if the price was going to be $85.

Whatever, I'll just pay it now and yell at the Delta people in the morning.

What's so friggin great about this room? I can get one just as nice for $50 just about anywhere. The regular price for this one is almost three times that.

At least I can do laundry. I hadn't gotten a chance before I left, and I was kinda laughing at the idea of security going through my bag with all those dirty clothes. But it's probably better this way.

Good thing there's a grocery store nearby. I got a rotisserie chicken for dinner.

This store has chocolate soda. The brand is Waist Watchers, and the flavor is Diet Chocolate Fudge. Do they really need to make something chocolate fudge flavored to make fat people buy it? It's soda, people.

I got a rewards card at the store so I could save $2.26. Totally worth it.

Oh good, I apparently forgot to actually push the Start button on the dryer. The “Machine Operating” light was on, so I assumed it was, you know, operating. So when I go back an hour and a half later, imagine my surprise when my clothes are still wet and my dollar is gone.

Why did I have them send the shuttle at 4:00? I don't need to be at the airport until like 5. I'll call them and have them change the time for my ride to come at 4:30. That way I get 3 hours of sleep instead of 2 ½!

I really don't get why I'm staying up so late. Sure, I had to do laundry, but I could have been in bed by 10. I'm kind of an idiot. Some of you people didn't help by chatting with me on facebook. You jerks. How dare you be my friends.

I have to brush my teeth in the bathtub because the sink is full of ice. It's keeping my yogurt chilled for breakfast.

Well, I'm on my way again. Hopefully the storm last night won't make them cancel my flight again.

Great, it's a huge line again. Why the heck is there a line like this at 5am?

Looks like I'll have to eat breakfast in line. Yogurt with “Just Bunches”. The people in line next to me might think I'm weird for eating this in line, but I don't care.

Ah, it's my turn. I have words for you, Miss Delta Girl Who Had Nothing to Do With Last Night's Shady Shenanigans.

I told her the situation, calmly, but with a tone of irritation. Do you ever hear someone say something really stupid, so you sort of repeat it back to them a little bit slower? “You'll give me free breakfast in the airport?” I said. After I said that, she also offered to waive my baggage check fee, which was $20. Yeah, that might be a bit better, since that's exactly the amount I was out because of you jerks. I accepted, and she was like, “Do we feel better now?” Yes, and I appreciate the condescending tone. Is that free, too?

I got my voucher for my “free breakfast.” $5. What the freak kind of breakfast costs $5? Especially at an airport? Friggin good thing they waived my baggage fee as well.

Awesome, another long line for security checks. Good thing I have a whole 30 minutes before my flight leaves. That gives me just enough time to rush over to my gate, which is so fun.

I know a million people have said it before, including me, but crocs are stupid. I have no respect for a man wearing crocs.

The freak?! I don't have a boarding pass? What the heck did that check-in lady give me?? Oh, she just checked my bag, gave me a baggage claim thing, $5 breakfast voucher, and handed me back my little itinerary card thingy. Goodie, I get to go back downstairs and check in again!

The line is even longer than before. I will miss my flight.

There's one of those self check in kiosks open for some reason. I'll use that. I didn't notice it since it's across the way, but the lady at the desk pointed it out to us. I think it's because she saw me waiting right there next to the line so I could go talk to her. She must have realized that she didn't give me a boarding pass and didn't want to deal with me again.

Um, here's the part where you print my boarding pass, kiosk. That's kind of why I came over here.

Ok, I guess I'll do the check in thing again. Finally.

I get to go through the whole line for security again! Hooray!

My iPod has been 5 weeks without a charger, and the little light is still green when I turn it on. Take that, al Qaeda.

I hope they don't have a problem with the “Just Bunches” in my backpack. There was still half a box left, and I didn't want to just throw it away. I don't see why they would have a problem, but this is airport security we're talking about here.

Do we have to take off our shoes entirely because of the Shoe Bomber? Did one guy get through with a little bomb in his shoe, now we all have to put our shoes through the X-ray?

It would kind of be awesome if some terrorist developed a weapon that was only detectable when the user did a sexy dance. Then we'd all be doing sexy dances at airport security. That would be awesome.

People are so stupid. People are so stupid. I hate people so much right now.

I got my “breakfast”. An orange juice and a water at Sbarro, which is the only place open right now. I don't really need them, but I want to make Delta pay the $5 anyway.

HOW THE FREAK DID I GET JOHN ARCHBOLD'S BOARDING PASS?? WHERE IS MY BOARDING PASS???

Ok, it's not this John Archbold's boarding pass, it's his receipt that looks like a boarding pass. And here is my pass. I still have no idea how I got it.

I'm listening to “My Humps” as I go down the breezeway to the plane. The Black Eyed Peas are kind of stupid.

Some family wasn't comfortable with the responsibilities associated with sitting in an exit row, so they switched with our row. LEG ROOM! There is a God!

One flight down, two to go. I was just in this airport... Five weeks ago...

Great Ledger's Ghost! Detroit's airport has all the gates in one straight line that's like ten miles long! It took me ten minutes to get from gate 20 to 30! I need to get to 70!

Ok, there's apparently a train upstairs, but how do I get to it?

Thanks heavens I got on the train. I would have missed my flight if I hadn't. Those Jetson's walkway thingies just aren't enough.

Sometimes I wish we lived in a world where you could yell out “CHANGE PLACES!” like the Mad Hatter and everyone would get up and frantically run around and sit in a different spot.

I'm really hungry, but I don't have time to stop anywhere. There's a Chili's Too over there. Why the “Too”? There's like a million Chili'ses out there. It's not like we need to be informed that you are also the same restaurant as that other one you went to that one time in Massachussetts. We know it's a nationwide chain.

One time, when I was little, Dad called it Chiji's, probably because the h and the l connect at the bottom, so the l kinda looks like it's supposed to be a j. I'm sure he meant it as a joke, but it threw me off for years.

Two down, one to go. I went to turn my phone back on when they said it was ok, and it was already on. Oops.

Just landed in Salt Lake. Waiting to get off the plane. That old guy standing in the aisle a way up looks like a younger guy in a disguise. Full head of white hair, baseball cap, glasses, and bushy white moustache. I call shenanigans.

Ok, why is there a Salt Lake City Airport network if it's “Local Only”? What is the point of that? How do they expect people to connect to the internet if there isn't an actual connection on their network? And if they don't have it there so people can connect to the internet, why does it exist?

The luggage from my flight is taking a long time to get up to the carousel... I've been sitting here for 45 minutes. Could it be that my trip is about to get EVEN BETTER?!

What do you know, Northwest is, for some reason, sending my bag to Dallas real quick before it gets back here in Salt Lake. They'll deliver it to me when it gets here. Good thing nothing urgently important is in there. Besides my Ghostbusters belt buckle, that is.

Video of the Recentness!

2009-08-08T06:40:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFQkMAPVoIo

Video of the Week DOUBLE FEATURE SAY WHAAA?

2009-06-27T00:48:00.000-07:00

Here's one featuring Jeff Blake and Will Rubio of Comedysportz celebrity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJwc-qcd6ZU

And here's... Just watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHgEnN2PFzo

Listen to the Silence

2009-05-14T00:42:00.000-07:00

I remember back in high school, somewhere around the summer between my freshman and sophomore years I think, when we had youth conference. For the life of me, I can't recall anything about the conference except when David Buckner spoke to us one evening in the stake center. If any of you have heard him speak, Brother Buckner is incredibly funny, and profoundly spiritual at the same time. That's probably why he can frequently be found lecturing at EFY every year, as well as youth conferences around the country. I remember being struck by the amazing Spirit that was in the room, and although I don't remember much of what he was saying, I very brightly recall the way everyone was paying close attention to his talk. Go to any church meeting, whether it's in a singles' ward or family ward, and you'll notice how much background chatter there can be. Babies crying, papers rustling, Cheerios crunching, cell phone buttons clicking as people text their friends, people whispering to their neighbors, all sorts of stuff. You can imagine what a couple hundred teenagers would sound like.

The room was dead silent.

We were leaning forward, hanging on every word. Not a sound could be heard in that chapel besides Brother Buckner's voice. The first parts of his talk were fun and energetic, and we were all laughing and having a good time. But towards the end, when he had become more serious and was addressing the more important matters, the Spirit was so powerful, every last one of us teenagers, who would usually be sleeping or doodling or texting was fixed on this great man.

I've noticed this deafening silence in other places, too. My favorite thing about EFY is the lessons I get to teach my boys at the end of each day. No dances, games, talent shows, or anything else can compare to the feeling you get at those evening devotionals. You get into that amazing state where you've prepared well, and you're so excited to teach these kids the things you hold dear, and you start to feel the Spirit teaching through you. Every once in a while, you get this out-of-body kind of feeling, where even as you're talking and teaching, you notice that twelve pairs of eyes are fixated on you, listening to the things that the Spirit is teaching them through you. They have been hungry for so long, but it hasn't been until now they've noticed, and they are feasting on your words, and savoring every bite.

It's an amazing thing, that silence. The kind you feel when every part of you is paying strict attention. Here's a clip you should watch. It's the Archbishop Desmond Tutu as a guest on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Links to parts 2 and 3 can be found on the list to the right of the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnQqoVZewb8

If you've ever watched this show, or any talk show, really, you'll know that the audience tends to be boisterous and loud, and ready to laugh on a hair trigger. But notice as this incredible man speaks, how loud they aren't. The things he is saying are important, profound, and significant, and they don't want to miss one second of it.

I think this is why I love to teach the Gospel. Some of the best times of my life have been when I was teaching people the things that really matter. My mission and EFY are two of the experiences I've had that I would never give up, and I would go back and do again right now if they let me. If you told me I could go be a missionary full time, I'd say, "Where am I going? I'll be packed in an hour."

How often are we so engaged in what a person is saying? How many times do you find yourself completely devoting all of your attention to one thing like the audience was as they listened to Father Tutu? When you find yourself that fixed on something, feeling the kind of Spirit you do, you take hold of it and never let it go. Chase the things that really matter, and make them a priority. Because it's that Silence that will change your life.

Video of the Week

2009-05-11T19:14:00.000-07:00

Video of the Week

2009-05-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

I just found this. Just in time for this week's video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orukqxeWmM0

Have you ever wanted to punch somebody in the face because of the way they type?

2009-05-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

***** completed the quiz "What Candy r u?" with the result Reese's!.

U r a Reese's! U tend 2 melt because of how much choclate u r, which is like if u c someone u really like, u melt 4 them. Ur peanut butter insides give u a soft side which means that u r super nice all the time!.

Video of the Week

2009-04-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

Say what you will about the Soviets, but they sure knew how to break it down. Behold the origin of the Breakdance Battle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoQb8vb4blA

Video of the Week

2009-04-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

http://www.playingforchange.com/episodes/2/Stand_by_Me

Reality Check

2009-04-02T13:56:00.001-07:00

I used to proudly loathe reality television. Survivor was interesting the first couple of times, American Idol is only interesting during the auditions, but it's all old and boring now. I have my beef with the way they edit these things, like when the host is revealing who is getting eliminated from a show and they have a ten minute long dramatic pause. I get that you want it to be dramatic, but come on. Get on with it already. I think it started with Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Remember how someone would say it's their final answer, and Regis would wait, wait, wait... take a commercial break, wait... then FINALLY say whether it was right or not.

I think I've managed to pinpoint what I think is a major appeal of a lot of reality shows. People love to feel superior to others. You watch these shows and you just love to trash the people on them, ranting about how soulless and backstabbing they can be. I think the epitome of this can be found in "I Love Money," a show on VH1 I recently stumbled across.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WU2IKc01vQ

Ho, ho! Isn't it fun to watch these guys make fools of themselves? Good thing we're so much better than them. Watch for instant boost of self-appreciation! This show represents everything that is wrong with the reality show trend. The cast are a bunch of shallow fools who only want money for their own selfish reasons. The producers clearly picked the dumbest, most superficial people to be on the show because they know people will tune in to laugh at them. And the viewers are watching so they can feel superior and ridicule the idiots that put themselves on TV. Everybody is at fault, and nobody is made better as a result. It's an embodiment of the New American Dream: Get rich and get famous without having to work for it.

Possibly worse is the shows where you have a couple dozen people competing for someone's love. The whole idea is ridiculous. Who in the world is that special that they deserve to have a throng of people fighting each other for the chance to date them? Nobody, that's who. And yet we have The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Joe Millionaire, Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire, The Cougar, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, A Double Shot at Love with the Ikki Twins, Rock of Love, I Love New York, Flavor of Love, Real Chance of Love, For the Love of Ray J, and probably many more I've never heard of. It's pathetic, shallow, and somehow incredibly popular. They never work out, though. Anyone who didn't see that coming is an idiot. The worst part, though, is how degrading it is. Just watch this clip from Real Chance of Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59cVHPy6Y2Q

Hooray! We all get to fight over each other and humiliate ourselves for these hunky wannabe celebrities while they sit back and watch us worship them! Just so two of us can get a chance to date them! They're doing nothing to contribute to the relationship, but they're just so dreamy! It's sickening. I don't get how these kinds of shows are even allowed to air.

So anyway, I said I used to loathe all reality shows. I've found a few lately, though, that actually have some real value to them. Now, you could argue that shows like American Idol, America's Next Top Model, So You Think You Can Dance, and others are good because they give you a look into the great talents that people have and the kinds of awesome things you can do with them. But I have a problem with the whole One Winner thing, which takes about a dozen finalists, crowns one as the One Who Got the Most Votes, and the other eleven are forever branded as Second Best, the Ones Who Weren't Good Enough.

These are shows that I think are great, and actually have something constructive to contribute to the world.

#1. Tool Academy

These guys are brought onto the show thinking it's a competition for the title of Mr. Awesome. What they don't realize is that it's actually a reform school that their girlfriends put them in. These guys are the biggest womanizing, cheating, self-absorbed, moronic jerks you'll ever find. Seriously, you'll be dumbstruck by some of these guys. The great thing about it is that the school shows them the reality of how their lifestyle and behavior is hurting those around them, especially their girlfriends, and it teaches them how to change. I love watching them transform into decent, loving, faithful guys. You'd just have to watch it, it's a great show. And of course, part of the appeal is feeling like you're better than them, but the nice thing is how you get to watch them become better people. The winner does actually get the title of Mr. Awesome, and you feel like he actually deserves it.

#2. Tough Love

I'm convinced that every single woman should watch this show. The host is a professional matchmaker who brings in these women, each having a unique issue that is keeping her from finding a meaningful relationship, and helps them learn how to find one. One is a gold digger, one is a loose party girl, one is looking for the Perfect Man and even has a long list of criteria that he must meet before she'll even consider committing to him. They learn how guys really think and what kinds of messages they are sending with their body language and the things they talk about on dates.
Now before you get indignant and start saying that I wouldn't be so enthusiastic if the roles were reversed, let me correct you. I would welcome a show just like this that taught men how women really think and the kinds of things that attract them or drive them away. I think it's really useful to create more understanding between the sexes so people who are right for each other will realize it and be able to find one another.
One of my favorite things about this show is that there isn't any elimination. The purpose is to change for the better, and it doesn't help anyone to be kicked off the show after one episode. There isn't some materialistic prize at the end of the show for them to fight over and stab each other in the back for.

#3. Celebrity Rehab

All three of these shows have made me want to be a therapist or psychiatrist of some sort, but none more than this one. Sure, maybe they had celebrities instead of normal people so more people would watch, but I think this show is one of the best around, reality or not. It shows people what it's really like to have to struggle with addictions, whether they're with alcohol, heroin, or prescription drugs. There aren't challenges for prizes or immunity or anything. It's more like a documentary about people in rehab. They deal with relapses, facing their past, working things out with abusive parents, and they really change their lives. Of course, many of them will relapse and either be back in rehab or end up dead, but at least for a little while, they can be committed to changing their lifestyle for their own sakes and the sake of those who love them. It encourages others who struggle with addictions by showing them that there is a way out and it really works. It shows others the real consequences of drugs and alcohol, and hopefully keeps at least a few people from even starting.

The Declaration of Dependence

2009-02-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

In my ponderings, I have come to some conclusions about values, faith, and tolerance. Look at all of the inequality and intolerance in our world. Group A believes that homosexuals should not marry. Group B thinks they should. Each side thinks the other is intolerant. Extremist Muslims believe that everyone should either convert to Islam or die. Fans of the Yankees and the Red Sox are fanatic in their devotion to their respective teams, and as far as they are concerned, anyone who likes the other team is crazy.

I've decided that there are two kinds of values: Dependent and Independent. Understanding the difference between the two will help us be able to be more tolerant towards others.

Independent Values

There are certain things that are accepted among just about everyone in a society. For example, most people you talk to will agree that murder is wrong. Most will tell you that stealing is wrong, too. The details of what constitutes such crimes and the consequences may vary, but even those who steal or murder will probably agree that it's wrong. These are values that you will find in all societies, with few exceptions. Therefore, they are Independent, meaning they stand alone as acceptable moral values. Anyone who disagrees would be hard pressed to find a good argument against them.

Dependent Values

These are values that are accepted on the basis of a certain belief system. For example, a practicing Jew will not eat pork. If you ask them why, they will tell you that the pig is unclean. When asked what makes it unclean, they will refer you to the Law of Moses. That's the key: You have to believe in the Law of Moses to accept not eating pork as a value. I would guess that most Jews will abstain from eating ham, but won't insist that you do the same. That's because they realize that you don't share their faith, and are not bound by the rules associated with it. This is the pattern for other such things as Muslims praying five times daily towards Mecca and Mormons abstaining from sexual relations outside of marriage.

You might be tempted to argue that sin is sin and either it's right or it's wrong. Trouble is, these are Dependent values. You kind of have to accept certain other things as true before you can be expected to live them. If a person doesn't believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet, they probably won't believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church on earth, and therefore should not be expected to follow LDS standards. Independent values can be supported by temporal logic and reasoning. While there is medical research that supports the idea that we should not drink alcohol, it's not enough to shut down all the bars and liquor shops worldwide. People still have the freedom to choose what they do.

It's when we don't see the difference between these two types that we find bigotry, intolerance, and ignorance. Just look at Islamic extremism. These terrorists are convinced that Islam is the one and only true religion. They believe that the Qur'an is the word of God. This is a completely acceptable thing to believe. However, they are convinced that all should be Muslim, and if you don't want to be Muslim, you can go ahead and die. It's one thing to be passionate about your faith and want others to enjoy the blessings you have. It's another thing entirely to demand that everyone fall in line with you or be killed. We saw the same kind of thing during history's worst times of religious oppression, like when the Catholic Church forced indigenous peoples of conquered lands to convert, or when the mobs hunted Mormons in 19th century America.

It's easy to see the fault in extreme situations, though. When are we guilty of intolerance because of Independent vs. Dependent values? I think of Proposition 8. I think of liquor laws in Utah, with the "Zion Curtains" at restaurants and legislation outlawing alcohol sales on Sundays. I think of evolution being taught in public schools. I think of Christmas being a federal holiday (post about that coming soon). I think of how I want those close to me to follow Gospel principles. I think of how if I bake chocolate cookies, some of my friends won't eat them. I think of people who didn't like "Star Wars". I think of Ute fans. I think about Guantanamo Bay. The Holocaust. I think about all of the countless wars throughout history. How many conflicts could have been stopped if people would have seen the Dependent values of others, and tried to respect them. I'm not saying we shouldn't share our beliefs with others. But if, when we do, they still don't choose to accept them, we should be able to respect their decisions.

The Ten People You'll Find in Any BYU Singles Ward

2009-02-03T15:51:00.000-08:00

These are people I've noticed in pretty much every singles ward I've been in. I notice them particularly at Sacrament Meeting, although they can usually be sighted in other places as well. Which one are YOU?

1. The Sleeper

We've all probably fallen asleep once in a while at church. It just happens sometimes. I'm talking about the guy who is not only napping, but isn't even trying to stay awake or hide the fact that he's asleep. I saw a guy this past Sunday who was making extra efforts to make himself as comfortable as possible in his seat. I swear, he was trying to fluff the plastic part on the top of the chair back where his head was resting.

2. The Show-Off Singer

We get it. You're a singer. You have talent. Now knock it off and try to blend in with the rest of the congregation. I'm not saying a good singer should hide their talent... it's just that when you have a large group of people singing together, it sounds a lot better when they blend and there isn't a voice standing out. I know it's not a choir, but if you're really as good a singer as you think you are, you should know how to blend. It's something I don't want to bash too bad, because they are just rejoicing and expressing their faith through song, but there will always be people thinking that they're just trying to show off, whether they are or not. One thing that really annoys me, though, is when a person makes a point to sing through the breaks or hold out notes "as long as they're supposed to be held" when everybody else is taking a breath. That's just petty in my eyes.

3. The Couple Who Are In Their First Relationship Ever

I don't know if it's just the culture here or if there are just that many people who have never been in a relationship, but there's always at least one of these couples. They still haven't gotten over the novelty of dating someone seriously, so they think that they have to have physical contact every possible second. I saw one couple finding a place to sit before church, and the girl went ahead through the row to their seats, and she was a little farther ahead than her boyfriend. I watched as he rushed to grab her hand so they wouldn't be out of contact for the three seconds it would have taken for him to get to his chair and rejoin her. Seriously? You can't just chill out and wait? These are the same people who will sit with the guy having his arm awkwardly around her shoulders, almost in a weird headlock kind of thing. His arm fell asleep fifteen minutes ago, but he can't take it down... he doesn't want her to think he's growing distant.

4. The Excessively Affectionate Engaged Couple

These people seem to be of the same genus as the people in #3. I don't know if it's that they want to show off or what, but I've noticed these couples that won't get off each other long enough to listen to the talks at Sacrament Meeting. I sat behind one of these couples a few weeks ago, and it was disgusting, and quite distracting. They were constantly whispering in each other's ears, giggling, playing with their hands. They even kissed a few times. Not the place for that kind of stuff. But maybe I'm just bitter because I don't have the kind of deep, incredible devotion they have for one another. They have something that nobody else in the history of love has ever had, and we should all be inspired by their endless and infinite affection. Gag me.

5. The Note Taker

In spite of what you might have thought based on my adorable cynicism, not everyone on this list annoys me. I can't really say anything bad about the Note-Taker. We really should all be trying to take notes of what we hear at church. I've learned for myself the amazing benefits we can get from taking notes as we listen to talks or read the scriptures. I don't take notes in church myself, but I don't blame anyone who does. It's a good idea, and I'm glad they can get so much out of church.

6. The Old Dude

You all have seen him. He's the guy who is like 35 but is still in a BYU singles ward. He has been going to college for 8 years, but still hasn't settled on a major. He's real nice, but you kind of treat him different. You're afraid he'll ground you.

7. The Rebel With the Colored Shirt

This guy takes pride in the fact that he's the only guy not in a white shirt. He thinks that he's the bad boy who can't be bound by the man's rules. It's not a rule that you have to wear a white shirt, but it's still way punk rock when you show up in, like, a purple shirt. PURPLE! Look at him go! Next, he'll be showing up in khakis!

8. The Gamer/Conversationalist

Let's face it, guys. Church is boring. Nobody ever says anything you haven't heard before, and you'll never learn anything new. You're just there because you're supposed to go, but they can't expect you to actually listen to the talks! So you and the girl next to you play tic-tac-toe or hangman on the back of the program. Or you talk about stuff. Or text each other. You gotta do something to pass the time until this tea party is over and you can go home.

9. The Premi

Every ward has a couple of them. When I was a freshman getting ready for my mission, I never thought anyone could tell. As far as I could see, I looked no different from an RM. But now that I am a returned missionary, I can see how much those young'uns really stand out. Great Odin's Raven, can you ever tell. It's hard to pinpoint the exact characteristics, but for some reason, you can always pick out the premis from the RMs. I'm just glad I'm on the other side of the mission now. The ladies like you better.

10. The RM Who Still Isn't Home

You know who they are. These guys still part their hair on the side and wear their mission suit every week. They talk loudly to each other in their mission language, because here at BYU, someone who is fluent in another language is such a novelty! You start to notice the Commitment Pattern while they're asking you to give the prayer in Sunday School. When they give a talk, 80% of the time is taken telling mission stories. They still LOVE ties, and LOVE to get new ones. I remember when I was a missionary, and since ties were pretty much the only thing we could wear that had any variety, we would try to get the best looking ones that stood out the most or got the best reaction. I had a knit tie in the MTC that was just soooo cool. A lot of guys would get bright pink ties or really ugly ones because it was just so hilarious! But now that I'm home, I honestly don't care in the least about ties. I have two or three that I usually wear, and that's good enough for me.

2009-01-13T16:38:00.000-08:00

I've been pondering wonderful ponderings. Alyssa once posted a thingy about stuff that you may or may not already know about her, like how she always checks behind the shower curtain every time she's in the bathroom. The latest craze on facebook has been the 25 Things About Yourself, which I might do as well. But here are just a few of those, but more in depth. These are also things that I've just learned about myself in recent months.

1. I have a great work ethic

I know- who knew, right? I think I noticed it the first day that I was bussing tables at the restaurant. It was pretty gross... clearing plates of half-eaten food, piling them into plastic tubs and lugging them to the kitchen. But even though it was tiring and tedious and I was on my feet the whole time, I was working hard. I didn't drag my feet or take extra breaks or anything. I took pride in my job and did the best I could. I find that I do that with every job I have now. (That's enough sniggering from the peanut gallery, Mom and Dad)

2. I get choked up over the stupidest things

It's weird, and I hate it. I'll be watching Animal Planet and see some baby tapir run to its mama, and suddenly I feel tears forming in my eyes. Little things that aren't really that significant, but are still nice, make me get emotional. Also things that are tragic. Not super, blubbering emotional, of course. Just a tiny bit until I mentally slap myself and tell myself to pull it together. It's stupid. Don't try watching me out of the corner of your eye, though, if we're watching something together. I rarely get like that at all when others are around. But there are times when I know I'll get all teary, and I'll make sure I'm alone. Like when I watched United 93 and Hotel Rwanda. I have to preserve my tough guy, doesn't-play-by-the-rules, manly man image. Such as it is.

3. I imitate facial expressions on TV.

This is another thing you won't see me do. It's only when I'm watching something alone. All the time when I see someone make an expression that I think is interesting, I tend to mimic it. It's kind of like seeing someone stretch, and it looks like it feels so good, so you want to do it, too. I like to stretch my face. It's especially fun to do this while watching House. He's got great expressions. I also find myself doing the facial expressions I'm trying to draw when I'm sketching.

I definitely just did all of these expressions as I posted this photo. Here, in the computer lab in the library. Click the photo for a bigger view.

4. I sing in the car.

Some people say I have a good singing voice. I'm not so convinced. I do enjoy singing, though, so when I'm alone in the car, I plug in the ol' iPod and belt it out.

5. I'm kind of obsessive about how I look.

I know, if that's true, why don't I look better? You were thinking it. Truth is, I don't think I'm very good looking, so I try to work with what I have, which means carefully deciding what to wear and how to do my hair and stuff. Up to this point, I've usually just buzzed my head, and that was good enough. But I want something more original, and that means growing out my hair, which means it looks terrible (at least to me) until it's the length I want it. I'll also sometimes change my clothes two or three times before I decide I like what I'm wearing. It's not so much I want to look good, but I want a certain look that I think looks good, and I do what I can to get that. I don't really care about what others think, but I do care that I get the look I want. It's sort of obsessing over impressing myself. I know, weird. As far as my physical appearance is concerned, as in my body, I figure I just need to work toward what I want to look like, but until then, since I can't do a whole lot at the given moment, I don't worry about it. It's sort of a mix between a poor self image and an "I don't care what you think", confident attitude.

PS- Don't start flooding my comments section with the likes of, "Oh, but you're so handsome!" or "Hold your tongue! You're very attractive!" I don't need encouragement, and I'm not fishing for compliments or flattery. Just like anything I'm not satisfied with in who or what I am, I change what I can, and live with what I can't. Also, those kinds of comments don't really mean much coming from my mother or my sister. I'm looking at you, peanut gallery.

4 People Who Made My Trip to Kenya Awesome

2009-01-08T12:56:00.001-08:00

So this past Christmas I got to go home to Kenya again. It was pretty awesome. As I was flying home, I began to ponder about the people who made the trip... let's call it unique. I was pondering this at the time because one of them was sitting right behind me. SO HERE WE GO!

1. The Lady in the Car in Front of Us at Lake Nakuru

We're at Lake Nakuru National Park. It's this great place where we saw flamingos, rhinos, stuff like that. It's one of those beautiful places in the world, the kind that makes you appreciate nature and the amazing things it can do. We were driving through the park in a forested area, and as I'm watching ahead of us, I see a Diet Coke can get tossed out of the passenger side of the car in front of us. Awesome.
Let me be clear: I usually get pretty irritated when people litter in the first place. It's one of those things that immediately tells you a lot about a person's character. Even in the city, where you see trash all over the place, it's still not that hard to just hold onto your garbage for a few more minutes. But this was a national park. A wildlife preserve. The kind of place you go to see the beauty of the natural world, and this spit of a person can't hold an empty Coke can in her car long enough to find a trash can. I wanted to get out, pick up the can, run up to her car and throw it back in her face. I was furious. I don't know whether she was American, European or even Kenyan. But it doesn't matter. You just don't do that.

2. The Waitress at the Cafe at Lake Nakuru

After a good portion of the day photographing flamingos and mud-caked buffalo, we decided to get some lunch before we headed back home. Luckily, there was a cafe next to the souvenir shop at the park. The waitress comes to take our order, and like a good server, repeated our orders to us as we told them to her. Problem was, what she repeated was not what we said.

Me: I'd like a Fanta

Waitress: A water?

Me: ... A Fanta.

Waitress: Ok, so a water.

Me: What? I want a Fanta! Orange flavored, carbonated beverage!

Waitress: All right, broiled chicken breast.

Maybe I'm just picking nits because I'm a server myself and I know what good service is. But I don't think it's just me. Most native Kenyans speak both English and Swahili, as well as their own tribal language. With some of them, you get the feeling that English isn't their forte, and that's ok. Speak whatever language you want. But when your job is to take people's orders and get them food, you should probably understand the language they are speaking. Especially at a tourist location in a country that has English as an official language. I'm just saying. When it's your job to understand people, you should probably make sure you do.
So when she leaves to place our order, we all feel a little nervous about what we'll actually be getting. As I recall, she brought out all the right drinks, except apparently she missed one. So she had to go get another one. Then we get to wait for over an hour for our food. Literally more than an hour. Which would be a little tiny bit excusable if the place was packed with customers, making the cook all backed up in the kitchen. But we were the only people in the restaurant. I mean, did the cook have to catch, kill, and clean the cow before he could make my steak? Then, when we finally get our food, Daniel, who didn't order anything, gets a vegetable pizza put in front of him. And Dad, who ordered chicken, got nothing. He was pretty mad. We were afraid we would have to wait another hour for his food. Luckily (relatively), it came out in about 20 minutes instead. We were afraid the check would have all sorts of random things on it, but that was the one thing the waitress was able to get right. Awesome.

3. The Dude Who For Some Reason Felt that His Luggage Belonged in the Overhead Compartment Half the Plane back from his Seat. Which Was, of Course, Right Above Me.

I think this was on the flight from Nairobi to Amsterdam, but it may have been Amsterdam-Houston. This old guy about fifteen rows ahead of me came and stuck his carry-on luggage into the compartment above my seat. I have no idea why. I don't believe for a second that there was no room anywhere closer to his seat. Now, I can excuse putting your stuff so far away from your seat if you don't plan on using any of it for the duration of the flight. But this guy seriously was coming back to get something out of his bag every half hour or so. I was sitting in an aisle seat, and he was the kind of guy who had to lean all over the person sitting there while he's digging through his bag that he apparently can't have up with him under the seat in front of him. So I get an old guy all up in my space every 30 minutes or so for about eight hours. Awesome.

4. The Kid Sitting Behind Me From Amsterdam to Houston

Ok, parents of small children, listen up!
You may not notice, but your kid loves to kick the back of the seat in front of him. Loves it. He also likes to slouch down on his seat so his butt is hanging off the edge, have the tray down, then push it all the way up with his feet and let it crash down. He loves to do that over and over and over again.
Another thing you may not notice, but the person sitting in front of the kid isn't tickled over your child's activities. In fact, that person in the row ahead probably would like nothing more than to strangle your kid with the in-flight headphones, stuff complimentary roasted almonds down his throat, and stuff him in an overhead bin. Trouble is, there are laws against that kind of thing, so he can't. Or at the very least, he can't get online while on the plane to look up the legal consequences and decide if it would be worth it.
My flight from Amsterdam to Houston was nine and a half hours long. NINE and a HALF. And I do not exaggerate when I say that this kid behind me was kicking my seat for the ENTIRE NINE AND A HALF HOURS. The flight was not crowded, so some of us could spread out a little. I had my whole row on my side to myself. Trouble is, the kicking sort of affected the whole row, so no matter where I sat, I couldn't escape.
The mom at least recognized that it could be bothering me, and yelled at her son on two occasions. Of course, he stopped for a few minutes, long enough to scream and cry at the audacity of his mother to tell him to stop. So either he was kicking my seat, screaming and crying, or both. Awesome.
At least part of it was entertaining. She threatened to slap him silly if he didn't knock it off, and I got to see her actually do it to one of her other kids across the aisle. All three of her kids were fussing and bickering at each other, and while her 10 year old daughter was lying down on the seats across from me, her mom got fed up and started slapping her right there. It was actually kind of hilarious.

Here's Your Freakin Post

2008-11-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

My roommate is always (read: occasionally) getting on my case for not updating this thing, so here we go. I don't update because I prefer to write more well thought out articles about politics and philosophy and zombies... you know, the issues. But since I'm far too lazy to get to it and do some actual research, I'll just write about my thoughts like all you other boring people.

So why can't we ever admit we're angry at each other? For some reason, when someone pisses us off, we don't want to say we're mad, even though we clearly are. Or, we don't show it, never show any hint of it, and the person who upset us goes about their life while we marinate in our own little angry sauce. A few weeks ago, my roommate got mad at me.
"Why are you mad at me?"
"Who says I'm mad?"
"I can tell you're mad."
"How can you tell I'm mad?"
"Because you're acting like you always act when you're mad."
"Maybe I'm just pretending to be mad so you'll think that."

Why in the world would you pretend like that? He was clearly upset, but for some reason didn't want to say so. Now, in this particular situation, I still feel like I did nothing that warranted his reaction, and if I had a chance to explain my side, he might not be so upset. But he insisted he was not angry, so it was never addressed.
I'm not saying that I'm immune to this disorder. I'm the same way sometimes, and I still don't get it. I have been, at one time or another, hair-tearingly frustrated and upset at each of my roommates. Except maybe Kyle. He's a darling. Anyway, I find myself usually saying nothing, they don't have a clue that I'm pissed, and nothing gets fixed. I'm willing to bet that most people are like me in that they don't ever (usually) mean to upset or offend anyone, and if someone would just tell them what they were doing that upset them, they would stop. I'd always tell managers and supervisers at my various jobs that if I was ever doing something wrong to tell me so I could fix it. It's the same way with those close to me. If I've been doing something that you don't like, let me know. Sure, I might tell you to get over it if I think it's not worth getting upset over, but usually I'll try to fix it.
Here are my theories on why we can never say we're mad:

1. We're afraid we'll sound immature.
Many times we realize in the back of our minds that getting upset over a particular thing is really kind of petty and childish. I got mad at my roommates last week because I bought these Ritz Bitz Sandwiches with this frosting kind of filling and found out they were gross, and my roommates took it to mean that it was up for grabs. So I found the box the next day with a significant amount gone and got mad because I never told anyone they could eat it. Seriously? Now, I'm usually pretty protective of my food (I paid for it. Get your own. I'm not getting food for everyone, I barely have enough money for myself). But getting mad because someone ate the food I said was gross? Please.

2. We're afraid of confrontation.
Most people don't like being told what to do. They don't like being told that they should change. But if that person loves you (or, you know, thinks you're pretty chill) then they most likely will be willing to stop doing something that irritates or upsets you. But for some reason we think that if we confront them about whatever it is, their skin will catch on fire, their eyes will shoot laser beams, and they will shreik like a Nazgul from Lord of the Rings. HOW DARE YOU TELL ME I SHOULD STOP HANGING MY LOOFAH SPONGE ON THE SHOWERHEAD!!! (pewpewpew!)

3. Asking them to change isn't worth the trouble
One of my roommates hocks up an organ every time he brushes his teeth. Twice. Like clockwork. It's revolting. He'll be brushing his teeth, then you'll hear this horrifying sounds coming from the bathroom. HHHOUUCKK!!!! spit. spit. Wait 4-6 seconds. HHHOUUCKK!!!! spit. spit. I shudder every time I hear it. But is this really worth getting upset over? Should this ruin my day? I'm not going to ask my roommate to change something about himself just because I kinda think it's gross and irritating. If it makes him feel better, then whatever. Maybe he has a medical condition. Maybe he has some kind of enchanted toothbrush, blessed by a witch doctor, that will keep his teeth shiny, but he has to expel the evil humors from his body every time he uses it or else Loki will come during the night and take him away in chains to work the molasses mines in the Ural Mountains. Or maybe he just has a big loogie to get rid of. Whatever. Point is, it's not worth a stern talking to.

4. We like being mad.
Let's face it. Sometimes, we just want to be mad. We like being upset at someone because it makes us feel like we're better. We convince ourselves that we're right, and it feels good to be right. Problem is, if we tell that person we're mad at them, they'll want to talk about it, and one of two things might happen: They'll show us that we're wrong after all, and being wrong sucks. Or the issue will be resolved, and we'll all be friends again. Can't have that. You might luck out and just get into a bigger argument, it'll escalate, and you'll leave even angrier than before. But who wants to risk that not happening? Admit it, you like a good grudge. Just watch the news during any political campaign. There are people who make a living off of getting offended at whatever they can get their fingers around.

5. Agasp! What if I'm wrong?
When my roommate got mad at me, I got mad because he was mad. I felt like what I had done was reasonable and fair, and he was getting upset over the wrong thing. If I had been able to explain where I was coming from, I might have convinced him that he shouldn't have been angry after all. Or perhaps he might have pointed something out to me about what I did that would show me that I was wrong. So often we avoid the confrontation because we're afraid we might lose the fight. Then we're mad, but this time we're mad that we lost.

Look, there's usually no good reason to be mad. If you really don't have a good reason to get upset at someone, let it go. If you do have a good reason, you REALLY need to talk to them, because then it's important. They say a husband and wife shouldn't go to bed angry. I'd say we should apply that same practice to all of our relationships. Maybe try not to go more than a day or two mad at someone. (Depending on how soon you can get ahold of them and hug it out.)

And those molasses mines do exist. I served part of my mission in that area. Molasses First Branch.

Things I Kind of Wish I Liked (But Kind of Hate) - Part I

2008-08-23T01:55:00.000-07:00

Here is the first installment of my latest feature: Things I Kind of Wish I Liked (But Kind of Hate)

Number 1: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

BE YE WARNED: HERE BE SPOILERS

You know, I tried. I really did. I tried my best to love Indiana Jones IV. It was just the same as when I tried to like Van Helsing. I was excited for the film, it had such great potential... but it sucked. I came away sort of sticking up for it, like when you stick up for that one teacher you had in school who was horrible at their job, but was really trying. You know, the one everyone else made fun of and messed with, but you tried to give them a break. But then they'd say something stupid and everyone would laugh at them...
So I gave the picture all I could, but the more I think about it, the more I hate it. I mean seriously, aliens? Indiana Jones is supposed to deal with ancient artifacts and the cool, supernatural things associated with old civilizations. You know, the Ark of the Covenant. The Holy Grail. Those rock things from the Temple of Doom. But this time, there wasn't really anything that relied on his expertise. It was just, run around, hit stuff, do another cool stunt, narrowly escape death because of bizarre circumstances. Remember when the monkeys attacked the Soviets? Why didn't they attack the Americans, too? I'll tell you why: because the Americans were the good guys, and they needed some random thing to happen to save them.
Oh my gosh, I hate this movie. I mean, was it really supposed to be a huge twist when we found out that Mutt was Indy's son? Were we really not supposed to see that coming? Did they seriously think that it was some original plot device that we hadn't seen dozens of times before? It's like in a sitcom that's pushing for ratings. The show is in a rut, so somebody gets married. Or they have twins. Have you noticed that they always have twins?
I think the biggest problem I have with Indy IV is that they did the same thing they did with the Star Wars prequels: They let George Lucas go nuts like a three-year-old with a bucket of paint. Remember the prequels? Lucas was so tickled to death over himself and his newfangled special effects technology that he let that steal the show. Look, everyone! Pretty lights! Cool explosions and stunts! Ships and devices that for some reason are far more advanced than anything you saw in the original movies, which take place decades in the future! Why couldn't R2D2 use his rocket boosters in the first trilogy? I'm sure that NEVER would have come in handy, like, a BILLION times. But I digress.
George Lucas did the same thing here. He said, "Look! Giant Ants eating people! Horribly animated alien skeletons! A huge-budget finale with an entire valley turning into a dirt cyclone while a giant flying saucer blazes into outer space! Give me more money!" The charm of the original movies was the feeling that everything was so old and crumbling, yet possessed such a power beyond comprehension. The traps in the Last Crusade didn't require any groundbreaking special effects, and yet it remains one of the freakin' sweetest scenes in movie history.
I'm tired of talking about this. It's making me cranky. Point is, I hated Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, even though I really, really wish I could like it.

Those Other Crazy Nutjobs

2008-02-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

Recently I stumbled upon a video of Scientology followers harassing a reporter. There was some sort of Scientology event happening in a public area. It said that everyone was welcome, but when this guy, who I gathered was a well-known opponent of Scientology, tried to go in, he was first stopped by security, then was confronted by three members of the church. These three men viciously attacked him with accusations about his character and his criminal history.
Now, I don't know who this guy is or what kind of record he has of illegal activity, but it seemed that the Scientologists were just making assumptions and empty guesses just to try and make him look like a bad person. They were constantly demanding that he come clean about his crimes, saying that that was the real reason he had come, so he could somehow confess his crimes and get help. They had no evidence that he had ever done anything illegal. They were going off the fact that he disliked their church and was an outspoken opponent. They even went as far as to accuse him of unthinkable things. One of them said, "Did you take a break from beating your wife to come down here?" At another time, when he asked how they would know what kind of things he'd done, one said, "I can make some educated guesses... Personally, I think you're a child molester." They also called him a murderer. None of these claims had any basis whatsoever.
This video got me thinking about the kinds of situations like this that happen all the time. Here we have some dedicated followers of a religion that has been relentlessly attacked by countless people. They have been ridiculed by the media and the public. There are people who have sworn to fight and oppose them until they are brought down to the dust. Sound familiar?
As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I can
say that I've experienced these kinds of attacks firsthand. I can't begin to count the number of times I've had to listen to people furiously rip apart my beloved faith and make atrocious claims about the nature and character of the Church and its people. These bigots love nothing more than to give in to twisted, slanted half-truths about an organization that ultimately makes people better and happier. They usually do this under the facade of their own religion, insisting that their "true faith" gives them the right to spew hatred and perpetuate ignorance and intolerance. I've often thought, as I believe most of us LDS members have, that if they just understood how things really work, they wouldn't be so hateful.
Now, don't think that I'm standing in defense of those three Scientologists and the things they did and said in the video. What they said was baseless, ignorant, and uncalled for. They let their anger and indignation get the best of them. If anything, when people see this video, it will only make anti-Scientology sentiments increase. The way they acted was out of line, no matter how mean the anti-Scientologist may have been to them. And I'm sure there are plenty of good, well-intentioned Scientologists who are watching that clip and tearing their hair out. With things like this, all it takes is a few jerks to turn scores of people away from every giving something a chance. Speaking from my point of view, the majority of Mormons are good, decent, normal people, but I've heard so many stories of one person being ignorant, mean or judgmental and ending up turning someone completely away from the entire LDS religion.
I'm not defending the guy behind the camera either. His purpose for being at that event was to gain more material for his negative coverage of the Church of Scientology. He, like most anti-Mormons, wanted to put whatever negative spin he could on them so he could convince more people that Scientology is an evil cult.
Whether or not that's what Scientology might be is not up to me to decide. I make no claims to be an expert on the religion. I barely have a basic understanding of who and what they are. Sure, a lot of their beliefs and practices are strange to me, but what unfamiliar religion isn't? Heck, what unfamiliar anything doesn't seem weird to someone else? Every hobby, organization, or interest has something weird about it. Some people are crazy for ballet, but the appeal of people in tights prancing around and fluttering their toes in midair will forever be lost on me (it's hilarious when hippos and crocodiles do it, though, like in Fantasia. That's an art form I can get behind). Sprinkling water on babies and eating and drinking what you believe to be human flesh and blood sound crazy to some, but it's a part of many sacred Christian services. Some might think it's strange to carry a dagger around with you everywhere or never cut your hair, but it's an important part of deeply held beliefs of Sikhism. Any custom or practice can seem weird, crazy, or even evil when put in the wrong light.
My point is that nobody should be judging the beliefs of anybody else. I have my own reasons for not joining the Church of Scientology. I also have reasons not to join Islam, Buddhism, Catholicism, Protestant Christian organizations, or any faith other than my own, and these reasons are personal and might not hold for other people. That's my choice and my right. I don't believe that Scientology is the true and correct faith, but some people do, and I believe they deserve to practice that faith. Just like everyone in America is entitled to freedom of speech, no matter how dumb the things they say might be, everyone is also entitled to freedom of religion, no matter how crazy and weird that religion might be.
It's only when an organization, religious or otherwise, starts doing things that are illegal that we can tell them to stop. That is the main reason there are such outspoken opponents of Scientology. Incidents like Operation Snow White and the circumstances related to the deaths of some of the church's followers call into question the nature of the organization. In these cases I say we need to take those responsible and penalize them accordingly. Unless the church as a whole supports these actions, there is no reason to condemn them all for the things a few have done.
Those familiar with the LDS Church probably are reading this and thinking about the ways it's related to us. Polygamy has been something that many critics of the LDS faith love to bring up. The issue of polygamy itself and its moral validity is a subject for a later discussion. But years ago the US government outlawed it and the Church agreed to abide by the law of the land. Church policy is now such that anyone still engaging in the practice is completely cut off from the Church. Warren Jeffs and his Fundamentalist sect have been held accountable by the government, and the LDS Church supports the legal measures taken against him (although much more needs to be done).
And that is my point. The government has every right to prosecute those who violate its laws. If it's not against the law, then there are two things you can do (well, only two things you should do). First, if the Constitution supports it, push for a law to be made against the practice. Second, if you can't get it outlawed, leave it alone. You can tell your friends what you don't like about it, you can make your own decision not to support it, but let people make their own choices. If they ask for help, give it to them, but make sure everything you do is for the right reasons.
If anyone should be tolerant of other beliefs, it's us Mormons. Given how we've been treated, we have no place calling others a crazy cult. But it's not just because of how people have treated us. It's not even about the fact that Jesus Christ, our ultimate Example and Teacher, told us to love our neighbors. Everyone should be tolerant of others for the same basic reason: because it's the right thing to do. You don't have to agree with the guy next to you, but he doesn't have to agree with you either. You can offer your help, your advice, your point of view, and you can expect them to at least listen and try to understand your position. But you need to give the same courtesy to them if they offer to share their beliefs. I don't plan on converting to Islam, but I will heartily welcome any Muslim who wishes to share their beliefs with me. I'll never embrace Scientology in my own life, but I can still love and appreciate one of its followers.
Whenever you start calling someone else nuts, just remember how nuts they probably think you are.