It's Time to Give It a Rest, Part II

There are a few things that are trendy these days that I don't understand.

Novelty Hoodies

Take a look at this:

Your first reaction might be to think, “Ha! That's clever. You can look like Bowser.” But really think about it. Once the novelty wears off, would you really want to wear this thing around? Seriously, you'll make people smile at first, but then you're walking around with a cartoon character for a jacket. It's one thing to have a t-shirt that looks kind of like a cartoon character's outfit. But this is a big, oddly-shaped jacket. Even if the spiky shell in the back is detachable, you've still got that tail, hair, and horns getting in the way. It would make it uncomfortable to sit down on the bus, especially with all of the beatings and wedgies you're sure to be getting at the same time. Here are some more:

Let's be real. You aren't really going to wear any of these just around. So what's the point? Are you going to wear any of them for a Halloween costume? Of course not, they're not elaborate enough to be costumes. These hoodies are in that weird, useless middle ground between everyday apparel and halfway decent costumes, making them pointless and worthless. And yet the Ninja Turtles hoodie is priced at $52. The Optimus Prime one is $60. The guy that made the Bowser hoodie wants $400 for it. I say anyone dumb enough to pay four hundred big ones for something so pointless is too stupid to be trusted with their money anyway.

Being an Introvert Doesn't Make You Better Than Other People

I'm also getting tired of the recent surge of Pro-Introvert Propaganda I've seen online in the last six months or so. It seems that there are people out there who have decided that introverts are the best that humanity has to offer, and we all need to go out of our way to accommodate them.

Look, I get that introverts are misunderstood a lot, and it can be frustrating for them. Believe me, I know. I don't know where exactly I'd be classified scientifically, I feel like I'm a little extrovert and a little introvert. But I am definitely part introvert. There are times- a lot of times- when I would much rather be alone and do stuff on my own than go out and put forth all the energy of being around people. Last year I went camping by myself in Zion National Park, and I loved it.

But what angers me is how a lot of these “introvert activists” seem to be asserting that anyone who isn't an introvert is shallow and worthless. Look at that image up there. The title of this masterpiece is “Introvert Rage.” He hates being around people because they are crazy anti-government nuts, shallow, gossipy airheads and sweetbros, stoners, etc. So he decides he'd much rather stay home and spend an evening on the internet. But wait... all of those people he hates in the real world are not only in the online community as well... they are the online community. Stupid, shallow, crazy people abound everywhere you go. Stupidity is not specific to any personality type. By the same token, there are tons of people out in the more social hemisphere of society that are intelligent, thoughtful, humble, and pleasant.

The caption that went with this image was, “Am I the only one?”

No, you jerk, you aren't the only one who hates clubs. You aren't this great intellectual who is leagues above the mindless troglodytes who enjoy clubbing. There are tons and tons of people who don't like going to clubs. But hey, look at all those dumb sluts taking endless selfies and wasting their lives on such a stupid activity. Every single person who likes to go to clubs sure is an idiot.

You know what? If you don't like clubs, then don't go to them. But just because you don't like something doesn't mean the people who do are idiots. It means that their way of having a good time is different from yours. And that's ok. It's just as ok that you prefer to sit home and read or have a quiet conversation with a close friend over lunch. Plenty of smart people like to dance on the weekends.

This introvert activism has all kinds of helpful guides on how to rearrange your whole personality in order to make them more comfortable. Don't make them go out if they don't want to. Don't demand that they be more outgoing. Don't pressure them into participation in large group activities. They say that just because they aren't loud and crazy doesn't mean they aren't having a good time. Just because they don't want to have shallow, pointless small talk doesn't mean they're a jerk. Just because they prefer not to go to big parties doesn't mean they don't want to spend time with you or be your friend.

I get that. They're valid points. If a person is introverted, you really shouldn't try to force them to be extroverts or assume that they're just mean or don't like you. But can I present a counterpoint on behalf of the extroverts out there? Nobody knows you're an introvert unless you tell them, and even if you do, not everybody knows what exactly that means. Being quiet and thoughtful at a party often looks exactly the same as not having a good time and hating being there. How is anyone supposed to know the difference if they don't know you?

If I'm an extrovert, that means that I am outwardly expressive of my emotions. If I'm happy, I look happy. If I'm having fun, I'm energetic and talkative. And it's hard for me to really, consciously understand that other people might not express their emotions that way. So when I see my roommate avoid large social gatherings or leave them early and spend a lot of time alone in his room, based on my understanding, I'm going to assume that he's shy or hates the people I hang out with, or that he's depressed. If I encourage him to get to know my friends or go out with me to more activities, it isn't because I'm an idiot and I want him to do idiot things. It isn't because I want to make him uncomfortable. It's because I don't know he's an introvert, and if I do, I don't get what that means or how I should interact with him.

A lot of frustration and resentment could be avoided if he would just take me aside and say, “Hey, I just want you to understand that I'm the kind of guy that prefers to be alone or in small groups. I like people, and I can be a great friend, but big parties and things like that aren't really my thing. So if I seem shy or anti-social, it doesn't mean I'm not having fun or that I hate you or anyone else. I appreciate your efforts to include me. Please don't take offense if I'd rather stay in than go out.”

Is that so hard?

Stop Complaining, Old People

The other day, I was at work, and during a brief moment of free time, I checked football scores on my phone. I have a coworker who is an ancient Spanish woman named Julia. She is a lovely lady, and generally very nice and pleasant. She came over and told me that she predicted that twenty years from now, the human race will have forgotten how to speak out loud because they will have entirely abandoned talking to one another in favor of texting.

You hear these kinds of things all the time. Kids these days don't make connections with other people. They always have their faces buried in their phones. They text instead of call. Nobody interacts with one another anymore. You ride the bus and every single person is playing with their phone instead of enjoying the world around them.

Look, I won't deny that we could all stand to look up from our phones a little more. Enjoy the party without constantly tweeting about how much fun you're having. But it's not nearly as bad as people are whining about it.

Imagine a picture of people on the bus. I would have drawn one, but I didn't feel like it. This is a bus in 1956. Some riders are reading the newspaper. One is reading a book. Another is doing a crossword puzzle. One is doing some work he brought with him from the office.

Now picture a bus in 2013. There are the same number of people, all of them looking straight down at their phones. How awful! But you know what? They're doing the exact same things the people were doing in the first picture. They can read the news, books, do work, play simple games, and way more than that. A person can use their phone to text their mother how much they love her. They can pay bills. They can listen to music, take pictures, watch movies, learn about the world around them, meet new people, learn a new language, participate in the political discourse in their community, even tune their guitar- all with their phones. Just because sometimes we aren't talking to someone face to face doesn't mean we're wasting time.

But why can't they put their phones away and interact with each other? Because it isn't like they would have if they didn't have phones with them. The other day I was at Chik-fil-a, waiting for my food. To pass the time, I played a game on my phone. Sure, I could have kept my phone in my pocket. But what was I missing by playing a game? I'm not interested in striking up a conversation with a complete stranger who will only be near me for five minutes. That's pointless, and carries much more opportunity for awkwardness and unpleasantness than I'm willing to risk. If it had been 1956 and I didn't have anything to distract myself with, I would have stood there quietly, looking around for something interesting to occupy my mind. Such a shame that having a phone with me kept me from that experience.

"What do you say we all put down our phones and play 'Red Rover?'"

Look, if you're out on a camping trip or at a party, or anywhere else that offers something or someone to actually experience, then yes, put away your phone and be alive. But if you're on the bus, and you have to decide between playing Scrabble on your phone and small talk with the creepy guy across the aisle, then please take out your phone and go for that triple word score. (Although I do make decent conversation if you'll just give me a chance.)

It's Time to Give It a Rest

 Everybody wants to be a part of popularity. Whether it's a company trying to capitalize on a trend or an individual wanting to participate in the current “thing,” whenever something becomes big, everyone seems to want to rush onstage and feel like they're in the show. An unfortunate byproduct of the modern era of technology is that everyone has the means to be a part of pop culture. This is unfortunate because while all of us can contribute, not everyone can contribute something good. In fact, most of the things created by your everyday citizen is pretty much absolute crap.

Just look at any running joke or fad on the internet. Anything that has open submissions from the general public will get 99% garbage. Cracked.com used to have a weekly caption contest. They'd post a funny picture, and everyone could submit a caption to make it funnier, and the winner got fifty bucks. The winning captions on these things were often hilarious. Take this one, for example:

“And the prize for Best Costume definitely goes to the Invisible Girl in the middle.”

Not bad, right? Give the man his fifty dollars. But you could also scroll down and see all of the submissions, arranged in order of how many votes each one earned. Here's one that, clearly, did not come close to winning:

“Duck, Duck, Duck.... Duck GOOSE!”

Maybe it's going way over my head, but I can't figure out what makes that funny. Like, at all. I don't even get what joke he was trying to do. But here's the thing- not only did this guy think this line was funny enough to post, but fifteen other people voted for it. Fifteen people thought it was worthy of winning the contest. Scroll down to see the ones that only got one or two, and you'll want to euthanize your computer.

I get that everyone wants to be a part of something. I understand why companies will try to capitalize on the popularity of literally anything. But the problem is that when everybody gets a shot at the horse, it's going to already be dead when most of them get a turn to beat it.

The result of all this dead-horse-beating is that things that are great become awful, through no fault of their own. Ask anyone if they want to listen to “Gangnam Style.” Of course not. There's a good chance that they might even tell you that they “hate that song” or that it's “such a stupid song.” The thing is? It's not. “Gangnam Style” is a good song. It's catchy, fun, and the absurd dance moves are funny. There's a reason the music video got over ONE POINT SEVEN BILLION views on YouTube. People watched it and listened to it because they liked it. But now, because it was so popular, it got way overplayed, a million different people made parody videos, it got played at every sporting event for a solid six months, and you can bet your life there will be a movie soon where poorly animated Smurfs or Chipmunks do a dance number to it right before the credits roll. We are all fed up with that stupid “Gangnam Style” song, even though most of us loved it at first.

So there are things that are awesome that are becoming terrible because people won't ease up on the hyperbole. Here is a list of such things:

- Bacon

- Nutella

- Sloths

- Grumpy Cat

- “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk

- “Keep Calm and Carry On”

- Doctor Who, Sherlock, The Avengers, etc.

- Chuck Norris jokes

- Every single meme and joke ever created.

All of these things, on their own merit, are great. But then everyone had to repeat the same thing, then take the thing and change it a tiny bit and think they're a comic genius. (Keep Calm + "Do A Thing That I Enjoy" = BRILLIANT.)  ("I don't always [do thing], but when I do, I [do thing differently than usual])

Then they decided it was the greatest thing ever created and they must have it tattooed on their back. They take something that people like, then apply it to completely unrelated things and declare it awesome. Yes, bacon and Nutella are delicious. But we DO NOT need bacon-scented soap. Angry Birds gummy candy is UNNECESSARY. There is NO REASON to tattoo a sloth on your chest.

“Well, you see, grandchildren, for about eight months in 2013, lots of people agreed that sloths were cute. Sure, they moved on to iguanas once they were tired of sloths, but I have never once regretted having this hideous image on my chest for my entire life.”

You guys, they are making a Grumpy Cat movie. This has to stop.

The 5 Worst Things College Professors Do

1. Make the Class Too Hard

I'm not complaining about a course that is challenging.  It's not about a subject being difficult to master.  That's the point of higher education- to stretch your mind and give it a chance to grow.  What I'm talking about is when a professor intentionally makes things hard.  We've all had that class where the average score on an exam is somewhere around 52%.  I had an American Heritage class my freshman year that was known for this.  At our first midterm, you could score in the thirties and still pass.  The highest scores might have made it into the sixties.

Professors who do this love to show how hard their class is.  I don't know, maybe they like to flex their authority.  Like somehow, by tearing every student down, that makes the professor super smart.  My eighth grade science teacher was awesome.  He was super funny, and everybody loved his class.  But he took pride in the fact that the slightest error on an assignment would knock your grade down a whole letter.  For the rest of my education, all the way through college, whenever I had an awesome teacher, it would mess with my head, and I'd be terrified to make mistakes.  The man had screwed me up psychologically.

What's the point?  The fact is, if most of the class is getting failing grades, the problem isn't with the students- it's with the teacher.  The whole reason people are taking your class is so they can master the subject you're teaching them.  So teach it to them, and stop jerking them around.

2. Have the TA Teach the Class All the Time

What's the point of teaching a class if you don't actually teach it?  Some professors have their TAs do all of the actual teaching, and the professors focus on their own research.  What kind of joke is that?  Why is Dr. Schlotzky's name on the syllabus if Tyler and Katie are the ones who do all the lecturing and grading?  I don't get it.

3. Make Attendance Part of the Grade

I know that often, a student will realize that he has this new freedom to skip class whenever he wants.  He is no longer required by law to be in class.  So he might not show up.  But one thing I realized in my time in college was that while I didn't have to go to class, I really needed to.  I came to understand that when I went to class, I learned more.  And when I learned more, I got better grades.  So I went.

College students are adults.  They should be allowed to decide whether it's worth their while to go to class.  If they do poorly in the class because they didn't attend lectures enough, then that's their own fault.  Let them reap what they sew.  Don't make attendance a part of their final grade.  Don't have this nonsense where if you miss more than three lectures, then you automatically fail.

I'm fine with having quizzes and other graded assignments that require you to be present in order to get the points.  It's ok to have these graded things take place on any random day, which would encourage the student to go every time.  But when I decide whether I want to go to class, it should be up to me to decide if it's worth the sacrifice.

Like I said before, the point of taking the class is to master the subject.  Your final grade should be an assessment of how well you have done so.  Not whether you actually attended class every single Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  If I can miss two thirds of your lectures and still ace my final exam, I deserve that A.

4. Dock Points Based On Your Opinion

Someone once told me they got a bad grade on a paper because their teacher didn't agree with their interpretation of Hamlet.  That's right, Hamlet.  An incredibly complex piece with countless interpretations.  One time I saw a show where several different performers did the "To Be Or Not To Be" monologue, each with a different tone and emotion.  What I'm saying is that Hamlet can't be interpreted just one way.

It's fine if you disagree with the thesis of the paper.  But if the point of the assignment is to display critical thinking skills and an ability to formulate and effectively defend an argument, then grade the student on that.  A debate team takes an assigned position on an issue, and has to defend that side with all they have, regardless of their actual opinion.  You don't award the win to the team that you agreed with.  You give it to the team that did the best job arguing their side.

Obviously, many assignments require the student to explain specific facts and show that they understand the principles taught.  There is only one correct answer, and they are supposed to give it.  But for others, the student is expected to show what they found in their research, and even if the professor disagrees, if the student clearly did a good job researching and formulating their argument, you've got to give them due credit.

5. Testing Students on Nitpicky Things

I don't know how else to say it.  Getting an education means attaining a masterful understanding of a field of study.  If, as a professor, your objective is to help your students do that, then great.  You're doing your job.  If, however, you want to trick your students and see exams as a way to win a battle of wits against them, then you're a manipulative jerk.

I've had classes where I've been tested on specific pages of a text.  The worst have been religion classes.  The Doctrine and Covenants are organized into numbered sections.  When taking a course on the Doctrine and Covenants, you're trying to grasp the message of the scripture.  So it helps nobody if a quiz question asks you to match certain quotes to their specific section number.  If I can get a good understanding of the Word of Wisdom, what does it matter if I know whether it's found in Section 12, 89, or 130?

Professors who do this don't care about teaching as much as they care about proving they're more clever than their students.  It's incredibly immature and unprofessional, and it has no place in a place of higher learning.

A Few This's and Thats

Several things on my mind recently.

Today I had the unfortunate experience of watching a trailer for an upcoming talkie called The Big Wedding.  Apparently Katherine Heigl really is the patron saint of terrible romantic comedies, because this one looks incredibly, and predictably, stupid.  The premise:  A young couple is getting married, and one of them's parents (I forget which, and I don't hate myself enough to watch it again to find out) are divorced, and the dad is remarried.  But I guess he (it was the groom-to-be's parents.  I remember now) was adopted, and he has for some reason decided to invite his birth mother to the wedding.

His birth mother lives in Colombia, where she's from.  Now, I'll buy that he could conceivably still maintain contact with his biological mother, and even want to invite her to his nuptials.  But the fact that he would fly her all the way to another continent for it is kind of a stretch to believe.  But it gets way more contrived.  You see, she's very Catholic, and so she frowns very sternly upon divorce.  So in order to not offend her, this young man demands that his adopted parents pretend to be still married to each other, and his stepmother has to pretend she's someone else.  She could be a family friend, an aunt, a former teacher, anything- but they decide she's the waitress or something.

We all know Hollywood is out of ideas.  Battleship: The Movie and Step Up 17 tipped us off.  But there have to be simpler ways to come up with a bland romantic comedy with the intention of humor.  Since when in the known history of mankind is a birth mother's archaic views regarding divorce more important than letting the actual parents enjoy their son's wedding like normal people?  She might not like the idea of his parents being divorced and remarried, but guess what?  People do that, even in Colombia, and even Catholics, so she'll get over it.




Speaking of terrible movies and Catholics, have you seen these commercials for this Mel Gibson movie that just came out?  It's straight-to-DVD.  Let that sink in.  Mel Gibson's career has died so completely that he's the star of a movie that is going straight to DVD.  Mel Gibson.  Mel.  Gibson.  You guys.




I have to say, the Olympic Opening Ceremony in London was brilliant.  It was made fun of a bunch leading up to the big day, since the rumors about what was going to happen kind of sounded ridiculous and hilarious.  But they pulled it off, and it was incredible.  A few of my favorite parts:

1.  The industrial revolution part was kind of sad, seeing all of that wonderful green countryside get ripped up and smokestacks rise up out of the ground.  But it was also really cool to watch.  That part where they forged the ring that rose up to join the other four in the sky and create the Olympic rings?  So cool.

2.  "Abide With Me" was strangely beautiful.  I didn't get exactly what they were trying to convey with the dancing, but I still thought it was great.

3.  Mr. Bean.  Oh my gosh.  I've probably watched that part alone around 30 times.  Also, the "Queen" jumping out of a helicopter and parachuting into the stadium with James Bond.

4.  People complain about the seven non-Olympian kids lighting the torch, but I liked it.  I thought it was very cool to see the older generations of Olympians literally pass the torch to the future competitors.
                     (Also, I couldn't help but think of the Hunger Games when I saw those kids.)

5.  The Olympic Cauldron has to be the best cauldron I've ever seen.  Breathtaking.  I can't think of one more beautiful, and I love the symbolism of a whole bunch of smaller flames joining together to burn in unity as one flame.  I hear there's one bronze petal for each participating nation, and each country gets to take theirs home once the games are over.

I Am Disappoint.

Sunday night was one of those nights. The kind where years later people ask each other if they remembered where they were when they heard the news. Nearly ten years after the attacks on September 11, 2001, Osama bin Laden was finally found and killed by US troops. This was a great day in terms of sweet, satisfying justice and good ol' OBL got what was coming to him. What fascinated me was the responses that came from people all over, especially people close to me.

You've probably heard of the famous fake Martin Luther King, Jr. quote that made the rounds on Monday. I saw at least eight or ten of my facebook friends post it. It goes like this:

‎"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

The funny thing is that it isn't actually a quote from MLK. Or more specifically, the first sentence isn't. The thing that bothers me is not that it was misattributed. I'm not even bothered by the sentiment it voices, regardless of who actually said it. I can completely relate to the feeling that you shouldn't rejoice over the death of a human being, even an evil one. The beef I have is with the reason why people were posting it.

One possible reason to voice that sentiment is to respond to what you might see as classless revelry over a person's death, seeing people partying in the streets, waving flags and dancing. It conjures up reminders of people celebrating in a similar way after the 9/11 attacks (though those people were cheering the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians, while people on Monday were rejoicing that a powerful terrorist leader had been eliminated... but still). But responding by posting a fake MLK quote like that is basically waving your nose in the air and getting all snooty over those uncouth, uncivilized ruffians who dare be happy that a madman was taken out. It's self-righteous and insensitive. If you really disapprove, that's ok. But let others deal with the news in their way without getting all judgmental and self-absorbed about it.

The other reason I thought of has more to do with politics, and I personally think it motivated a larger portion of the posts. There are so many people who can't STAND the idea that President Obama was the President who ordered the assassination of bin Laden. They hate him so much that literally nothing he does is, in any way, a good thing. I am still in awe that so many people have clambered for some reason to hate Obama for this.

"How dare they kill bin Laden? That is so un-Christian and merciless. No matter how bad a person is, they should be arrested and put on trial, not killed." I have a few points to make about that idea.

- First, the order was to take Osama dead or alive. Do you really think they would have killed him if they were able to take him alive? If you think it was politically motivated, and Barack Obama wanted bin Laden dead to boost his poll numbers, don't you think he'd rather have the guy alive so he could take him home in handcuffs? A trial would have lasted months, perhaps years, and Obama's poll numbers would have soared the whole time.

- Second. Many of these people who harrumph and fuss over the President's audacity to order the killing of bin Laden are the same people who fiercely defended Bush and the war. Are you telling me that sending the military to invade two countries and kill terrorists for ten years is a righteous cause, but sending a tactical team of Navy SEALs to take down Osama bin Laden is awful and unforgivable? I know what the difference is: The war was ordered by a Republican, and the May 1 operation was ordered by a Democrat. That is all this is about.

Which brings me to my next point. I am so fed up with all of the ways people are hating on the President. They are so committed to hating the guy that even when he does something that their beloved George W. Bush tried to do, he's still evil and trying to destroy this country. Look, I have said plenty of times before that I am not an Obama-lover. I disagree with him on plenty of things, but I also appreciate the things he does that I do agree with. The point is, I wait for him to do or say something before I decide how I feel about it. I have not decided, as so many others have, that because he is a Democrat, I will hate every single thing he does. That kind of political bigotry is the driving force behind everything that is wrong with politics in America.

Is Obama going to use this to get re-elected? You bet. He is a politician, and politicians have to use everything they can to get their way. Bush used 9/11 and the war in 2004. I hope Obama doesn't go too far with it, but he is certainly going to try to play up his role in this. And his opponents are going to use their political tactics to try and downplay his role and somehow build themselves up.

What bothers me is how people insist that the President had nothing to do with it. Baloney. You just can't stand that this guy you despise actually did something right. If you are going to say that Barack Obama played no part in Osama bin Laden's assassination, then you have to be prepared to say this as well:

- Abraham Lincoln had nothing to do with the North winning the Civil War. It was the soldiers and the officers and stuff.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt didn't do anything to win World War II. In fact, the war wasn't over until after his death, so Truman should get all the credit, if anyone.
- John F. Kennedy didn't put a man on the moon. That was all NASA and the astronauts.
- Ronald Reagan didn't do anything to end the Cold War or liberate East Germany. That was the citizens of those Communist nations. It was the Germans who physically tore down the Berlin Wall.

I'll admit that most of the honor and glory goes to the soldiers who landed at the compound in Abbottabad. They were the ones who risked their lives, and they were the ones who killed Osama and seized all the intel. But guess what? Like it or not, Barack Obama was a major player in the operation. No, he wasn't on the ground in Pakistan, but he was the one who ordered it. One of the very first things he did as President was tell the CIA to make the capture of Osama bin Laden their top priority. As intel came in, the President analyzed it and made judgement calls regarding what leads to follow and how to act. He had his role to play, it was an important role, and he played it with great success.

Is it such a hard thing for people to accept that President Obama actually did something right, and that he should get at least some credit for it? I remember when George W. Bush was in office, and we saw people criticize him and oppose the war. I recall some people saying things like, "Like him or not, he's the President, and that office deserves respect. I didn't want John Kerry to be President, but if he had been elected, I would have supported and respected his position." Now, those same people are doing exactly the same things they said would put others in Hell during the Bush Administration.

Here are a few pointers to keep in mind, and they generally apply to most American leaders, especially Presidents.
- He is not evil.
- He does not hate God, the military, or babies.
- He does not want to take away your healthcare, religion, safety or money. His policies might jeopardize some of those things, sure. It is possible that he is wrong about something. But he is not motivated by the tantalizing idea of snatching away Linda Pefferschmutz's Bible from her very arms.
- Yes, Bush did do some things to help find bin Laden. Obama also did things to help find the guy. Both deserve some credit.
- For the last f%@ing time, Barack Obama was born in the United States.

I'm not asking people to like Obama. I'm not asking anyone to vote for him. I'm not convinced I'm going to vote for him in 2012 (although if Palin, Trump, or Bachmann are the only other options, I won't have much of a choice). What I'm asking is for people to stick to their standards, but understand that others might disagree with them, and that's ok. If you don't like something that Obama is doing, fine. You can oppose it. You can encourage your Congressperson to try to vote it down. You can choose not to vote to re-elect him. But please, please stop fighting him tooth and nail on every single thing he does or says entirely because he is Barack Obama, or because he is a Democrat. I'd ask the same of people who do those things against a Republican President. I'm not asking people to choose a particular side in politics. I'm just asking people to be smart and mature about it, and accept that even someone you disagree with on a lot of issues might get something right once in a while. Take the good, and oppose the bad, but don't let idealogical bigotry blind you to one or the other of those things.

Trump vs. Rump

In a bizarre kickoff to the next exhausting presidential election season, Donald Trump has, for some reason, convinced himself that he has a legitimate shot at taking the crown from Big O. Sure, businessmen and women have ran for president in the past, and they aren't entirely a terrible group of people from which to select a president. But Trump has long been kind of a weird guy, and I cannot fathom what has made him think that he's suddenly cut out for politics.

Stranger still, The Donald has inexplicably chosen the Birther cause as one of the primary pillars of his campaign. He decided that his message is basically: "You should elect me because I believe in a conspiracy theory more convoluted and desperate than the "Moon Landing Hoax" theory." Seriously? Running for president is a matter of gathering the most people to your side, trying not to alienate anyone but the votes you're willing to sacrifice. You basically have to convince a slight majority to vote for you, and to do that you have to take a strong position that a lot of people agree on and enough of the rest can be convinced of. So you really think that there are enough birthers out there to push you over the top? In fact, you pretty much have to hope over 50% of the people are birthers, because anyone who isn't is most likely going to think you're a nutcase and won't vote for you.

The very fact that birthers exist at all, especially that there are so many of them, is baffling to me. It started out as a desperate attempt to delegitimize Obama's election. He won very convincingly, so it would be hard to blame a rigged election or demand a recount. So someone looked for something else, and found one tiny glimmer of false hope, and cooked up a conspiracy theory. It was perfect, because even though it was a long shot, and could be proved to a satisfying degree for most people, paranoid people could always find reasons to remain unconvinced.

The fact is, the birther issue has been settled, and by all legal scrutiny, Barack Obama has been ruled to be an American citizen. They begrudgingly inspected his birth certificate, and said yes, it's real, and yes, he is in fact American by birth. But Trump is still not convinced. He supposedly has a team of very smart people in Hawaii doing their own detective work, and he refuses to be convinced until the president proves that he is an American. But tons of people are still doing what Trump is doing. They are insisting that they will not be convinced until Obama drives down to their house and personally presents his birth certificate to them so they can inspect it.

This is so stupid to me. They say he is acting all suspicious because he won't show it. Let me illustrate the stupidity of this with a different example. Let's say that President Obama has The Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tattooed on his left buttcheek. We really have no way of knowing this, nor is there any evidence that it's in any way true. But wouldn't that be hilarious? I want it to be true, therefore I will believe it until President Barack proves me wrong.

Pictured: Barack's Obottom

There are several ways for the president to respond to this. First, he could just ignore it, passing it off as a weird, crackpot idea that has no real merit. I say that his lack of response just proves his guilt. He's trying to silence the truth, man! We must demand that he either confess and step down, or prove we're wrong! Okay, so he has some qualified individuals testify on his behalf. His doctor and his wife go before the nation and let us know that the president of the United States does not have an 80's cartoon villain tattooed on his backside. Well obviously the doctor has been paid off, and the First Lady won't out her husband. Cahoots! All right, so the President finally gives in and stands on Capitol Hill with his pants around his knees and every news network displays the Caboose-in-Chief, unequivocally un-inked. They zoom in, using their HD cameras. Headlines around the world declare the news to the world: "NO JUNK ON THIS TRUNK", "BARACK'S BOOTY BEREFT OF BAD GUY", "CRACK LACKING: NO MAN ON THIS MOON", and "GOOD GAME: PRESIDENT SPANKS OPPONENTS BY SILENCING RUMORS WITH DEADLY EVIDENCE".

Even then, there will be doubters. They will say the President used concealer, the media altered the footage, a lookalike was used. They will never be convinced until the President comes to their house and lets them scrutinize his booty. The point is, he shouldn't have to. He should not have to be constantly harassed with idiotic and baseless accusations. The President's citizenship should not be an issue in the election. Not in 2008, and not now. And for a circus clown like Donald Trump to bring it up and encourage this idiocy is just irresponsible, unproductive and distracting.

So here's my idea.

We need to give good ol' Trumpy a taste of his own medicine. I think we need to start a rumor that Donald Trump is not human, but is in fact an alien in a moderately convincing human disguise. It wouldn't be that much of a stretch. Look at the guy. His ridiculous hair is a thing of legend. He has an unnatural orange hue to his skin (except around the eyes). He talks really weird, shaping his mouth in bizarre ways that nobody else does. And his skin looks like a lumpy, rubbery mass haphazardly hanging off of some misshapen humanoid structure.

"Just tuck the extra skin into the collar. I'm going on 60 Minutes tonight."

He can't prove he isn't a real human. What will he do? Have doctors testify? Paid off! Show his birth certificate? Fake! Have a DNA test done? Easily fabricated! The fact is, there isn't a thing he can do to prove beyond any doubt that he is, in fact, a human being. And if I had my way, this would become such a big thing that he would be forced to withdraw from the Presidential race. Let's face it, it's more plausible that Donald Trump is an alien than that Barack Obama isn't a real American citizen.

#8

October 22, 1991

I BrusHt' My Teet
After BreKfast.
Mom Said I Have
A Super !


*bongo drum*

#7

Nov. 7, 1991

Hands, Hands
I LoVe My Hands
Because They Can
Pick up Things.
I LiKe it!
They Can Pickup So Many
Things!
I Cant' BeliVe it!


*bongo drum*

#6

March 3, 1992

It's SPACE !
What iS Space? I do not Know.
Space is


*bongo drum*

#5

Oct. 23, 1991

Chocolate Candy

Chocolate KisSes
are yummy!
Sometimes They
Have Almonds
in Them.
SomeTimeS They
Don't Have AlmondS


*bongo drum*

#4

March 16, 1992

Wow! It is SoColdout
I had to Wear my mittens.
I even had to Put my hood on.
I don't like Wearing my hood,
but I have to.


*bongo drum*

#3

Friday, Nov. 15, 1991

1. Today I am Buying Pop-Corn!
2. It is Good!
3. it is So Buttery!
4. I hope There is Pop-Corn Next Week.


*bongo drum*

People In My Classes Who Bother Me

- The freshman who thinks that he's still in a high school class of 20 students and he can be “cute” and joke around with the professor in the middle of a lecture. You are not in high school anymore. You are not the center of the world anymore. You are in a university lecture hall with 200 other students. Stop trying to stand out and be friends with the teacher.

- The older lady who has gone back to college now that her kids are out of the house. I don't have a problem with these ladies in general... My own mother is one of them. I'm irritated by the ones that apparently think the class is just like having lunch with friends or Good News Minute in Relief Society. In one class recently we were talking about the slave trade in the early American colonies. Our token fortysomething raised her hand in the middle of lecture and said, “You know, I remember when 'Roots' came out and it was just such a realistic depiction of slavery. It was just so awful the things these people went through...” That was the comment. Sure, none of it was untrue. But it added literally nothing to the discussion. Nobody learned anything from what she said. She didn't ask a question. It was barely even relevant.
That same lady also commented during a lecture about the early native peoples of North America. When the Four Corners area was mentioned, she raised her hand and told us all how when her son was on a mission someone told him how someone they know heard that President Hinckley said once that he'll never visit the Four Corners because that's where the Gadianton Robbers lived. It was kind of hilarious because the professor even called it out, asking if she was sure it was for real or just Mission Gossip. She, of course, swore up and down that it was true.

- The guy who comes in 15 minutes late and sits in the center of the front row. Since the door is at the front of the room, he's facing the class as he walks in and always has this stupid grin on his face as he looks at us, as if he's joining his peeps in someone's basement to watch a movie or something. He raises his hand about 15 times a class and always has the stupidest questions or jokes that add nothing to the lecture. Nobody thinks he's funny, but he always feels the need to pipe up.

- The hefty gentleman with BO who always sat next to me for some reason- in both of the classes we happened to have together.

- The girl who was a Middle East studies major and always felt the need to say so. I had like three different classes with her, one of which was a course about Islam. From the way she talked, it sometimes seemed like she thought she was a better authority than the professor. I swear, half of her comments started with “Well, I'm a Middle East studies major, so...” or "I actually study Arabic, and actually..."

- The guy in my Art History class who thinks that every work of art is supposed to symbolize genitalia. He sounded like he was trying to sound really smart (“This work seems almost Freudian with the tower in the middle there...”), but everybody just thought he had a dirty mind, or maybe he thought that by finding wieners in art and mentioning Freud would impress the professor. It was kinda funny seeing the prof try to respectfully disagree.

- The young parent that brings their baby to class. Thankfully, this doesn't happen very often and I'm quite sure most student-parents don't do this except in extreme circumstances where they don't have a choice. It's just that a university class is no place for a baby. I love babies, but not when I'm trying to pay attention in class and the kid is crying or goo-gooing. Paying attention is hard enough without that racket, and especially when all you want to do is hold the baby and pinch his chubby cheeks. Have some respect, you little punk.

A Profound Philosophical Post.

Since today is Star Wars Day, and I friggin love Star Wars, I suppose I should say a few words about it. I'm watching A New Hope right now, and I'm thinking of what made this whole thing so popular and successful. I think I've come up with a few ideas. And while there are plenty of things about Star Wars that contribute to its awesomeness, a few main ones have a greater effect than the others. And it was by neglecting these things that George Lucas managed to make the prequels suck.

My first instinct is to credit the concept. The mythology of the Star Wars universe is original and interesting. But there are plenty of sci-fi/fantasy stories that have interesting concepts, some skillfully executed, others not so much. The weapons, scenery, characters, and other stuff are cool, but that doesn't explain the popularity the first movie managed to start. Plenty of movies could have interesting stuff, but something made people drawn to this.

Star Wars is a story about spaceships and aliens. Adventures in Space! But it doesn't throw that in your face. You see all these other movies and TV shows that are all, “LOOK! It's SCIENCE FICTIOOOOON!” They are aware of their sci-fi identity, and they stick to it. But Star Wars doesn't treat itself like a sci-fi story. Rather, it uses other genres to tell a story about things that happen to take place in space.

Think about it. Star Wars has it all. Swordfighting. Magic. Pirates. Gangsters. Aerial dogfighting. Romance. Tribes of primitive jungle natives. Gunslingers. Spies. Knights. A prophet in the wilderness. Religion. A princess in jeopardy. An evil empire fighting a rebellion. Politics. You could tag dozens of different stories in each of these genres. But Star Wars manages to put them all in the same story, and yet you don't even notice them. Other attempts to mash up different genres can easily be obvious and poorly handled. Firefly is well done, but it's a clear mix of space and western genres. In Star Wars, you don't even notice.

Another part of the whole not being too sci-fi self-aware is that it doesn't make a big deal about the sci-fi-ness. In Star Trek, they tend to be all, “Look you guys, it's a Holo-Deck! Isn't this tricorder cool? I have a laser gun!” The other shows tend to show off how cool stuff is and use the futuristic setting as a blank check to solve problems and fill plot holes. In Star Wars, they bring you into a world that still has a lot of the same problems ours does, it just happens to have different technology and stuff.

Now, the problem is that George Lucas didn't seem to have a real awareness of the secret to his own success. The prequels suck. Not because the story was bad, but because Lucas put more of a priority on the things that made other stories mediocre. They're all about “Look at this cool thing! Now look at this cool thing! It's SCIENCE FICTIOOOOON!” It was like he wanted to sell toys more than tell an interesting story. They tried to add to the mix of genres, throwing in racing, gladiators, and ground battles, but it wasn't as seamless as before. The podracing wasn't really necessary... the plot could have moved a different, more interesting way. But more merchandise could be made with podracing.

The original movies were rugged and real-feeling. That made them relatable. It was easier to feel like a part of them. The prequels were crisp and shiny, making them fun to look at, but not really deep. It's kind of like the difference between the girl who bleaches her hair, gets a boob job and wears nothing but pink, thinking that's all it takes to get a guy and the girl who actually has personality, interests, and passions. Sure, the first one might be good-looking, but you pick the second one because there is more to what a person is looking for than looks. The prequels are good for mindless entertainment, but the original movies are the kind you take home to Mom.

#2

Jan. 7, 1992

Ther's A Kind of Shape
That isn't qiet A triangle.
it is called A Parimyd.
They Are 3 Triangles
Pute Together.
they are in egypt.
that is Wher Mummys come
From.


*bongo drum*

You are Welcome to Snap Enthusiastically.

Have you ever seen William Shatner reading quotes from Sarah Palin as poetry? It's hilarious. I'd post a link to a video, but my work computer has YouTube blocked. I'm not sure why...
Anyway, I recently acquired a large store of archaeological artifacts from my childhood. One such artifact is my school journal from first grade. This is some righteous stuff, man. I think it works great as some far out indie poetry. So here's the first of a series of entries comprising some wicked sick poems. I will do my best to preserve all of the spelling, capitalizations and punctuation. In this one, the last word is supposed to be underlined, but Blogger apparently doesn't believe in underlining things.

Jan. 30, 1992

Cars, Trucks, and Vans, Have
Lots of Parts to them.
there are Wheels, Windows,
Doors, Seats, A Stearing
Wheel, And electricity


*bongo drum*

The Effys!

So I've done 16 weeks of EFY as a counselor. Here's a list of some of the bests and worsts of those 16 weeks. I'll probably come up with some more eventually.

Keep in mind, dudes and dudettes: I'm not giving any awards for best company or hottest counselors or anything. That would do nothing but make people who didn't win feel bad. You won't be getting me to designate some favorite company or co-counselors, because they were all awesome. Really. I love all of my youth and co-counselors like my own family, and I don't regret knowing a single one of them.

THE EFY AWARDS

Best Variety Show- Ypsilanti '09/Mansfield '09

It's difficult to pick exactly which one of these shows was more epic. Ypsilanti had Napoleon Dynamite, a wicked violinist, and a sweet musical skit about missionaries. It also had a guy with a hole in his lung playing the piano. The hole wasn't part of the act. We found out about that later. But still. Hard. Core. Mansfield had whips, a song about toast, and a full on rock band. And not the video game kind. The real deal. I might have to give a slight edge to Mansfield since literally half of the show was my group. Of course, there have been a lot of pretty A+ shows, but these two stand high above them all.

Lamest Variety Show- Provo 2B '09
Seriously guys, this was probably the most unexpected letdown. There were what, 700 kids at that session? By way of statistical probability, it should have been a cooler show than any others I've been to. But for some reason, a large portion of the acts were really lame. I actually fell asleep for part of it. Not that all of it was bad, there were some really good parts, like the song from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown and the Taylor Swift dance number. (Don't judge me. You would understand if you had been there.) But the bulk of the show was lame guitar songs. Picture an hour of amateurs playing Plain White T's. That's the Provo 2B Variety Show 2009.

Best Dining Hall- Plymouth State University, Plymouth, NH
They had a guy who would make any sandwich you could come up with. You could have it toasted if you wanted, and there were tons of kinds of meat, cheese, bread, and fixins. Best pastrami I've ever had. They also had pizza at just about every meal, pasta, salad, and several entrees that changed every meal. To top it all off, the staff were the coolest ladies ever. They weren't just friendly- we joked around and had great conversations all the time. They were genuine. Legit, Holmes. I do mark the dining hall down for the napkin setup, though. Napkins were only found in these tall dispensers at the doorways to the dining area, so if you needed one while you were eating, you had to get up and walk across the room. There was, however, a little basket on every table with ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise and relish. Thank goodness for that. I can't count the number of times I've been eating, and then all of a sudden I was like, “MUSTARD! MUSTARD! SOMEONE HAND ME SOME MUSTARD, I NEED SOME RIGHT NOW!”

Lamest Dining Hall- Brigham Young University, Provo, UT
This probably comes due to the assembly line nature of Provo sessions. They have so many friggin youths at a time that lunches have to just be a sandwich, chips, and a bottle of water while you sit on the grass outside. I don't blame them for it, but it still sucks.

Best Dorms- Grand Canyon University, Phoenix, AZ
Here you have a quaint little suite. Two bedrooms with a little living room in the middle. Nothing super fancy, but as far as dorms go, it was pretty nice. I didn't like the hallway setup, though. Each wing was one looooong hallway that turned a couple of times so the whole building looked kind of like a huge, angular 3. The only entrances were in the lobby in the middle and at the very end of each hall. Well, we were only allowed to use the lobby entrances. The ones on the end were STRICTLY in case of fire ONLY. Guess where my room was.

Worst Dorms- Eastern Michigan University, Ypsilanti, MI
Cold, bare floors, shared bathrooms and metal doors. The doors wouldn't have been so bad, except that I could only get a wireless signal if my door was open. You couldn't get a signal in your room if the door was closed. In a dormitory.

Coolest Campus Staff- Plymouth State University, Plymouth, NH
Again, this is because of the ladies in the dining hall. And the sandwich guy. The other staff we worked with were pretty cool too, including a student who was the only Mormon that went to that school, so she helped us all week.

Nicest Campus- Eckerd College, St. Petersburg, FL
It's really no surprise that so many people like to vacation in Florida. This campus sits right on the coast at Tampa Bay, and it's full of the coolest trees and stuff. Even the storms were cool. As we had our games night on a soccer field next to the beach, this crazy intense storm worked its way across the bay towards us. It looked like something out of the apocalypse. I was expecting some giant spaceship to burst out of it. We could have died from all the lightning, but it was cool to look at.














I also saw this cool spider.

















Lamest Campus- Mansfield University, Mansfield, PA
Every desk in the lecture halls was covered in graffiti. So were the bathroom stalls. It was like a reform school for idiots. The buildings were unimpressive, and the dorm was at the bottom of this relentless hill, so we had to climb it several times a friggin day.

Coolest Non-Company Youth- Plymouth 02 '09
This might have something to do with the small size of the session. Since there were so few of us, it was easy to get to know a lot of other people. Really cool kids.

My Trip Home in Tweets (Or, What That Would Look Like If I Used Twitter)

Finally, I've made it to the airport. I can get going home and relax for a day or two before I have to go back to work.


Great, there's a huge line to check in. Oh well, there are worse tragedies in life.


What? Our flight is canceled? The freak am I supposed to do now? I assume they'll just put me on the next available route out


Look lady, it's a simple rule of etiquette. It's not even about etiquette, it's just common sense. First graders understand it. I was in line first, therefore I am ahead of you. It is meant to stay that way. So stop trying to inch your way in front of me and stand so that you're turned slightly away from me so you don't have to look me in the eye.


We just turned the corner into the narrower, roped off part of the line. I won.


What's that? The next available itinerary is tomorrow at 5pm? Oh, there's a few earlier? Yeah, let's try to do that. As much as I love your airport, I'd rather leave it sooner than later. Ok, 6:15am. Just great. I love sitting around longer than I need to. Oh, no, of course it's “Not Your Fault”, so don't bother putting me in a hotel for the night. I enjoy sporadic sleep on tile floors.


You say you can give me a discounted hotel room? For only $89? YOU'RE A SAINT, DELTA AIRLINES!!! ONLY $89!!! I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO EAT NOTHING BUT RICE AND WATER FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!!!



Oh, you might be able to get a room at the Holiday Inn for me for $50? Yeah, that might be better... I still can't afford it, so I will see you in Hades.


Sweet! I can't check in until 4am! I love carrying all my stuff around the airport lobby!


I guess I could sleep on these couch-like things here. Except I wouldn't get much sleep because I'd be afraid of people stealing my bags. Maybe I should just get the hotel room. $50 isn't that much, I guess.


Yes, I was told earlier I could get a hotel room? Yes, $89 was what they told me, but they said they could get me one for $50? Oh, $65? Yeah, that's not exactly the same as $50. Fine, what's $15 more? I get a bed to sleep in.


Wow, the shuttle guy got here fast. That's handy.


Just checked in at the hotel. Yeah, the Delta people gave me a voucher, telling me it would be $65. I get there, and the girl at the front desk tells me it's $85. Um, no, they told me it was going to be $65. Oh, that's a mechanical problem discount, not a weather discount, which is the voucher they gave me. So they lied to my face as they handed me the voucher that made the price $85.


I don't care how great the deal still is. I still can't afford it. I would not be here in your hotel lobby if the price was going to be $85.


Whatever, I'll just pay it now and yell at the Delta people in the morning.


What's so friggin great about this room? I can get one just as nice for $50 just about anywhere. The regular price for this one is almost three times that.


At least I can do laundry. I hadn't gotten a chance before I left, and I was kinda laughing at the idea of security going through my bag with all those dirty clothes. But it's probably better this way.


Good thing there's a grocery store nearby. I got a rotisserie chicken for dinner.


This store has chocolate soda. The brand is Waist Watchers, and the flavor is Diet Chocolate Fudge. Do they really need to make something chocolate fudge flavored to make fat people buy it? It's soda, people.


I got a rewards card at the store so I could save $2.26. Totally worth it.


Oh good, I apparently forgot to actually push the Start button on the dryer. The “Machine Operating” light was on, so I assumed it was, you know, operating. So when I go back an hour and a half later, imagine my surprise when my clothes are still wet and my dollar is gone.


Why did I have them send the shuttle at 4:00? I don't need to be at the airport until like 5. I'll call them and have them change the time for my ride to come at 4:30. That way I get 3 hours of sleep instead of 2 ½!


I really don't get why I'm staying up so late. Sure, I had to do laundry, but I could have been in bed by 10. I'm kind of an idiot. Some of you people didn't help by chatting with me on facebook. You jerks. How dare you be my friends.


I have to brush my teeth in the bathtub because the sink is full of ice. It's keeping my yogurt chilled for breakfast.


Well, I'm on my way again. Hopefully the storm last night won't make them cancel my flight again.


Great, it's a huge line again. Why the heck is there a line like this at 5am?


Looks like I'll have to eat breakfast in line. Yogurt with “Just Bunches”. The people in line next to me might think I'm weird for eating this in line, but I don't care.


Ah, it's my turn. I have words for you, Miss Delta Girl Who Had Nothing to Do With Last Night's Shady Shenanigans.


I told her the situation, calmly, but with a tone of irritation. Do you ever hear someone say something really stupid, so you sort of repeat it back to them a little bit slower? “You'll give me free breakfast in the airport?” I said. After I said that, she also offered to waive my baggage check fee, which was $20. Yeah, that might be a bit better, since that's exactly the amount I was out because of you jerks. I accepted, and she was like, “Do we feel better now?” Yes, and I appreciate the condescending tone. Is that free, too?


I got my voucher for my “free breakfast.” $5. What the freak kind of breakfast costs $5? Especially at an airport? Friggin good thing they waived my baggage fee as well.


Awesome, another long line for security checks. Good thing I have a whole 30 minutes before my flight leaves. That gives me just enough time to rush over to my gate, which is so fun.


I know a million people have said it before, including me, but crocs are stupid. I have no respect for a man wearing crocs.


The freak?! I don't have a boarding pass? What the heck did that check-in lady give me?? Oh, she just checked my bag, gave me a baggage claim thing, $5 breakfast voucher, and handed me back my little itinerary card thingy. Goodie, I get to go back downstairs and check in again!


The line is even longer than before. I will miss my flight.


There's one of those self check in kiosks open for some reason. I'll use that. I didn't notice it since it's across the way, but the lady at the desk pointed it out to us. I think it's because she saw me waiting right there next to the line so I could go talk to her. She must have realized that she didn't give me a boarding pass and didn't want to deal with me again.


Um, here's the part where you print my boarding pass, kiosk. That's kind of why I came over here.


Ok, I guess I'll do the check in thing again. Finally.


I get to go through the whole line for security again! Hooray!


My iPod has been 5 weeks without a charger, and the little light is still green when I turn it on. Take that, al Qaeda.


I hope they don't have a problem with the “Just Bunches” in my backpack. There was still half a box left, and I didn't want to just throw it away. I don't see why they would have a problem, but this is airport security we're talking about here.


Do we have to take off our shoes entirely because of the Shoe Bomber? Did one guy get through with a little bomb in his shoe, now we all have to put our shoes through the X-ray?


It would kind of be awesome if some terrorist developed a weapon that was only detectable when the user did a sexy dance. Then we'd all be doing sexy dances at airport security. That would be awesome.


People are so stupid. People are so stupid. I hate people so much right now.


I got my “breakfast”. An orange juice and a water at Sbarro, which is the only place open right now. I don't really need them, but I want to make Delta pay the $5 anyway.


HOW THE FREAK DID I GET JOHN ARCHBOLD'S BOARDING PASS?? WHERE IS MY BOARDING PASS???


Ok, it's not this John Archbold's boarding pass, it's his receipt that looks like a boarding pass. And here is my pass. I still have no idea how I got it.


I'm listening to “My Humps” as I go down the breezeway to the plane. The Black Eyed Peas are kind of stupid.


Some family wasn't comfortable with the responsibilities associated with sitting in an exit row, so they switched with our row. LEG ROOM! There is a God!


One flight down, two to go. I was just in this airport... Five weeks ago...


Great Ledger's Ghost! Detroit's airport has all the gates in one straight line that's like ten miles long! It took me ten minutes to get from gate 20 to 30! I need to get to 70!


Ok, there's apparently a train upstairs, but how do I get to it?


Thanks heavens I got on the train. I would have missed my flight if I hadn't. Those Jetson's walkway thingies just aren't enough.


Sometimes I wish we lived in a world where you could yell out “CHANGE PLACES!” like the Mad Hatter and everyone would get up and frantically run around and sit in a different spot.


I'm really hungry, but I don't have time to stop anywhere. There's a Chili's Too over there. Why the “Too”? There's like a million Chili'ses out there. It's not like we need to be informed that you are also the same restaurant as that other one you went to that one time in Massachussetts. We know it's a nationwide chain.


One time, when I was little, Dad called it Chiji's, probably because the h and the l connect at the bottom, so the l kinda looks like it's supposed to be a j. I'm sure he meant it as a joke, but it threw me off for years.


Two down, one to go. I went to turn my phone back on when they said it was ok, and it was already on. Oops.


Just landed in Salt Lake. Waiting to get off the plane. That old guy standing in the aisle a way up looks like a younger guy in a disguise. Full head of white hair, baseball cap, glasses, and bushy white moustache. I call shenanigans.


Ok, why is there a Salt Lake City Airport network if it's “Local Only”? What is the point of that? How do they expect people to connect to the internet if there isn't an actual connection on their network? And if they don't have it there so people can connect to the internet, why does it exist?


The luggage from my flight is taking a long time to get up to the carousel... I've been sitting here for 45 minutes. Could it be that my trip is about to get EVEN BETTER?!


What do you know, Northwest is, for some reason, sending my bag to Dallas real quick before it gets back here in Salt Lake. They'll deliver it to me when it gets here. Good thing nothing urgently important is in there. Besides my Ghostbusters belt buckle, that is.

Have you ever wanted to punch somebody in the face because of the way they type?

***** completed the quiz "What Candy r u?" with the result Reese's!.

U r a Reese's! U tend 2 melt because of how much choclate u r, which is like if u c someone u really like, u melt 4 them. Ur peanut butter insides give u a soft side which means that u r super nice all the time!.

The Ten People You'll Find in Any BYU Singles Ward

These are people I've noticed in pretty much every singles ward I've been in. I notice them particularly at Sacrament Meeting, although they can usually be sighted in other places as well. Which one are YOU?

1. The Sleeper

We've all probably fallen asleep once in a while at church. It just happens sometimes. I'm talking about the guy who is not only napping, but isn't even trying to stay awake or hide the fact that he's asleep. I saw a guy this past Sunday who was making extra efforts to make himself as comfortable as possible in his seat. I swear, he was trying to fluff the plastic part on the top of the chair back where his head was resting.

2. The Show-Off Singer

We get it. You're a singer. You have talent. Now knock it off and try to blend in with the rest of the congregation. I'm not saying a good singer should hide their talent... it's just that when you have a large group of people singing together, it sounds a lot better when they blend and there isn't a voice standing out. I know it's not a choir, but if you're really as good a singer as you think you are, you should know how to blend. It's something I don't want to bash too bad, because they are just rejoicing and expressing their faith through song, but there will always be people thinking that they're just trying to show off, whether they are or not. One thing that really annoys me, though, is when a person makes a point to sing through the breaks or hold out notes "as long as they're supposed to be held" when everybody else is taking a breath. That's just petty in my eyes.

3. The Couple Who Are In Their First Relationship Ever

I don't know if it's just the culture here or if there are just that many people who have never been in a relationship, but there's always at least one of these couples. They still haven't gotten over the novelty of dating someone seriously, so they think that they have to have physical contact every possible second. I saw one couple finding a place to sit before church, and the girl went ahead through the row to their seats, and she was a little farther ahead than her boyfriend. I watched as he rushed to grab her hand so they wouldn't be out of contact for the three seconds it would have taken for him to get to his chair and rejoin her. Seriously? You can't just chill out and wait? These are the same people who will sit with the guy having his arm awkwardly around her shoulders, almost in a weird headlock kind of thing. His arm fell asleep fifteen minutes ago, but he can't take it down... he doesn't want her to think he's growing distant.

4. The Excessively Affectionate Engaged Couple

These people seem to be of the same genus as the people in #3. I don't know if it's that they want to show off or what, but I've noticed these couples that won't get off each other long enough to listen to the talks at Sacrament Meeting. I sat behind one of these couples a few weeks ago, and it was disgusting, and quite distracting. They were constantly whispering in each other's ears, giggling, playing with their hands. They even kissed a few times. Not the place for that kind of stuff. But maybe I'm just bitter because I don't have the kind of deep, incredible devotion they have for one another. They have something that nobody else in the history of love has ever had, and we should all be inspired by their endless and infinite affection. Gag me.

5. The Note Taker

In spite of what you might have thought based on my adorable cynicism, not everyone on this list annoys me. I can't really say anything bad about the Note-Taker. We really should all be trying to take notes of what we hear at church. I've learned for myself the amazing benefits we can get from taking notes as we listen to talks or read the scriptures. I don't take notes in church myself, but I don't blame anyone who does. It's a good idea, and I'm glad they can get so much out of church.

6. The Old Dude

You all have seen him. He's the guy who is like 35 but is still in a BYU singles ward. He has been going to college for 8 years, but still hasn't settled on a major. He's real nice, but you kind of treat him different. You're afraid he'll ground you.

7. The Rebel With the Colored Shirt

This guy takes pride in the fact that he's the only guy not in a white shirt. He thinks that he's the bad boy who can't be bound by the man's rules. It's not a rule that you have to wear a white shirt, but it's still way punk rock when you show up in, like, a purple shirt. PURPLE! Look at him go! Next, he'll be showing up in khakis!

8. The Gamer/Conversationalist

Let's face it, guys. Church is boring. Nobody ever says anything you haven't heard before, and you'll never learn anything new. You're just there because you're supposed to go, but they can't expect you to actually listen to the talks! So you and the girl next to you play tic-tac-toe or hangman on the back of the program. Or you talk about stuff. Or text each other. You gotta do something to pass the time until this tea party is over and you can go home.

9. The Premi

Every ward has a couple of them. When I was a freshman getting ready for my mission, I never thought anyone could tell. As far as I could see, I looked no different from an RM. But now that I am a returned missionary, I can see how much those young'uns really stand out. Great Odin's Raven, can you ever tell. It's hard to pinpoint the exact characteristics, but for some reason, you can always pick out the premis from the RMs. I'm just glad I'm on the other side of the mission now. The ladies like you better.

10. The RM Who Still Isn't Home

You know who they are. These guys still part their hair on the side and wear their mission suit every week. They talk loudly to each other in their mission language, because here at BYU, someone who is fluent in another language is such a novelty! You start to notice the Commitment Pattern while they're asking you to give the prayer in Sunday School. When they give a talk, 80% of the time is taken telling mission stories. They still LOVE ties, and LOVE to get new ones. I remember when I was a missionary, and since ties were pretty much the only thing we could wear that had any variety, we would try to get the best looking ones that stood out the most or got the best reaction. I had a knit tie in the MTC that was just soooo cool. A lot of guys would get bright pink ties or really ugly ones because it was just so hilarious! But now that I'm home, I honestly don't care in the least about ties. I have two or three that I usually wear, and that's good enough for me.