The Effys!

So I've done 16 weeks of EFY as a counselor. Here's a list of some of the bests and worsts of those 16 weeks. I'll probably come up with some more eventually.

Keep in mind, dudes and dudettes: I'm not giving any awards for best company or hottest counselors or anything. That would do nothing but make people who didn't win feel bad. You won't be getting me to designate some favorite company or co-counselors, because they were all awesome. Really. I love all of my youth and co-counselors like my own family, and I don't regret knowing a single one of them.

THE EFY AWARDS

Best Variety Show- Ypsilanti '09/Mansfield '09

It's difficult to pick exactly which one of these shows was more epic. Ypsilanti had Napoleon Dynamite, a wicked violinist, and a sweet musical skit about missionaries. It also had a guy with a hole in his lung playing the piano. The hole wasn't part of the act. We found out about that later. But still. Hard. Core. Mansfield had whips, a song about toast, and a full on rock band. And not the video game kind. The real deal. I might have to give a slight edge to Mansfield since literally half of the show was my group. Of course, there have been a lot of pretty A+ shows, but these two stand high above them all.

Lamest Variety Show- Provo 2B '09
Seriously guys, this was probably the most unexpected letdown. There were what, 700 kids at that session? By way of statistical probability, it should have been a cooler show than any others I've been to. But for some reason, a large portion of the acts were really lame. I actually fell asleep for part of it. Not that all of it was bad, there were some really good parts, like the song from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown and the Taylor Swift dance number. (Don't judge me. You would understand if you had been there.) But the bulk of the show was lame guitar songs. Picture an hour of amateurs playing Plain White T's. That's the Provo 2B Variety Show 2009.

Best Dining Hall- Plymouth State University, Plymouth, NH
They had a guy who would make any sandwich you could come up with. You could have it toasted if you wanted, and there were tons of kinds of meat, cheese, bread, and fixins. Best pastrami I've ever had. They also had pizza at just about every meal, pasta, salad, and several entrees that changed every meal. To top it all off, the staff were the coolest ladies ever. They weren't just friendly- we joked around and had great conversations all the time. They were genuine. Legit, Holmes. I do mark the dining hall down for the napkin setup, though. Napkins were only found in these tall dispensers at the doorways to the dining area, so if you needed one while you were eating, you had to get up and walk across the room. There was, however, a little basket on every table with ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise and relish. Thank goodness for that. I can't count the number of times I've been eating, and then all of a sudden I was like, “MUSTARD! MUSTARD! SOMEONE HAND ME SOME MUSTARD, I NEED SOME RIGHT NOW!”

Lamest Dining Hall- Brigham Young University, Provo, UT
This probably comes due to the assembly line nature of Provo sessions. They have so many friggin youths at a time that lunches have to just be a sandwich, chips, and a bottle of water while you sit on the grass outside. I don't blame them for it, but it still sucks.

Best Dorms- Grand Canyon University, Phoenix, AZ
Here you have a quaint little suite. Two bedrooms with a little living room in the middle. Nothing super fancy, but as far as dorms go, it was pretty nice. I didn't like the hallway setup, though. Each wing was one looooong hallway that turned a couple of times so the whole building looked kind of like a huge, angular 3. The only entrances were in the lobby in the middle and at the very end of each hall. Well, we were only allowed to use the lobby entrances. The ones on the end were STRICTLY in case of fire ONLY. Guess where my room was.

Worst Dorms- Eastern Michigan University, Ypsilanti, MI
Cold, bare floors, shared bathrooms and metal doors. The doors wouldn't have been so bad, except that I could only get a wireless signal if my door was open. You couldn't get a signal in your room if the door was closed. In a dormitory.

Coolest Campus Staff- Plymouth State University, Plymouth, NH
Again, this is because of the ladies in the dining hall. And the sandwich guy. The other staff we worked with were pretty cool too, including a student who was the only Mormon that went to that school, so she helped us all week.

Nicest Campus- Eckerd College, St. Petersburg, FL
It's really no surprise that so many people like to vacation in Florida. This campus sits right on the coast at Tampa Bay, and it's full of the coolest trees and stuff. Even the storms were cool. As we had our games night on a soccer field next to the beach, this crazy intense storm worked its way across the bay towards us. It looked like something out of the apocalypse. I was expecting some giant spaceship to burst out of it. We could have died from all the lightning, but it was cool to look at.














I also saw this cool spider.

















Lamest Campus- Mansfield University, Mansfield, PA
Every desk in the lecture halls was covered in graffiti. So were the bathroom stalls. It was like a reform school for idiots. The buildings were unimpressive, and the dorm was at the bottom of this relentless hill, so we had to climb it several times a friggin day.

Coolest Non-Company Youth- Plymouth 02 '09
This might have something to do with the small size of the session. Since there were so few of us, it was easy to get to know a lot of other people. Really cool kids.

My Trip Home in Tweets (Or, What That Would Look Like If I Used Twitter)

Finally, I've made it to the airport. I can get going home and relax for a day or two before I have to go back to work.


Great, there's a huge line to check in. Oh well, there are worse tragedies in life.


What? Our flight is canceled? The freak am I supposed to do now? I assume they'll just put me on the next available route out


Look lady, it's a simple rule of etiquette. It's not even about etiquette, it's just common sense. First graders understand it. I was in line first, therefore I am ahead of you. It is meant to stay that way. So stop trying to inch your way in front of me and stand so that you're turned slightly away from me so you don't have to look me in the eye.


We just turned the corner into the narrower, roped off part of the line. I won.


What's that? The next available itinerary is tomorrow at 5pm? Oh, there's a few earlier? Yeah, let's try to do that. As much as I love your airport, I'd rather leave it sooner than later. Ok, 6:15am. Just great. I love sitting around longer than I need to. Oh, no, of course it's “Not Your Fault”, so don't bother putting me in a hotel for the night. I enjoy sporadic sleep on tile floors.


You say you can give me a discounted hotel room? For only $89? YOU'RE A SAINT, DELTA AIRLINES!!! ONLY $89!!! I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO EAT NOTHING BUT RICE AND WATER FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!!!



Oh, you might be able to get a room at the Holiday Inn for me for $50? Yeah, that might be better... I still can't afford it, so I will see you in Hades.


Sweet! I can't check in until 4am! I love carrying all my stuff around the airport lobby!


I guess I could sleep on these couch-like things here. Except I wouldn't get much sleep because I'd be afraid of people stealing my bags. Maybe I should just get the hotel room. $50 isn't that much, I guess.


Yes, I was told earlier I could get a hotel room? Yes, $89 was what they told me, but they said they could get me one for $50? Oh, $65? Yeah, that's not exactly the same as $50. Fine, what's $15 more? I get a bed to sleep in.


Wow, the shuttle guy got here fast. That's handy.


Just checked in at the hotel. Yeah, the Delta people gave me a voucher, telling me it would be $65. I get there, and the girl at the front desk tells me it's $85. Um, no, they told me it was going to be $65. Oh, that's a mechanical problem discount, not a weather discount, which is the voucher they gave me. So they lied to my face as they handed me the voucher that made the price $85.


I don't care how great the deal still is. I still can't afford it. I would not be here in your hotel lobby if the price was going to be $85.


Whatever, I'll just pay it now and yell at the Delta people in the morning.


What's so friggin great about this room? I can get one just as nice for $50 just about anywhere. The regular price for this one is almost three times that.


At least I can do laundry. I hadn't gotten a chance before I left, and I was kinda laughing at the idea of security going through my bag with all those dirty clothes. But it's probably better this way.


Good thing there's a grocery store nearby. I got a rotisserie chicken for dinner.


This store has chocolate soda. The brand is Waist Watchers, and the flavor is Diet Chocolate Fudge. Do they really need to make something chocolate fudge flavored to make fat people buy it? It's soda, people.


I got a rewards card at the store so I could save $2.26. Totally worth it.


Oh good, I apparently forgot to actually push the Start button on the dryer. The “Machine Operating” light was on, so I assumed it was, you know, operating. So when I go back an hour and a half later, imagine my surprise when my clothes are still wet and my dollar is gone.


Why did I have them send the shuttle at 4:00? I don't need to be at the airport until like 5. I'll call them and have them change the time for my ride to come at 4:30. That way I get 3 hours of sleep instead of 2 ½!


I really don't get why I'm staying up so late. Sure, I had to do laundry, but I could have been in bed by 10. I'm kind of an idiot. Some of you people didn't help by chatting with me on facebook. You jerks. How dare you be my friends.


I have to brush my teeth in the bathtub because the sink is full of ice. It's keeping my yogurt chilled for breakfast.


Well, I'm on my way again. Hopefully the storm last night won't make them cancel my flight again.


Great, it's a huge line again. Why the heck is there a line like this at 5am?


Looks like I'll have to eat breakfast in line. Yogurt with “Just Bunches”. The people in line next to me might think I'm weird for eating this in line, but I don't care.


Ah, it's my turn. I have words for you, Miss Delta Girl Who Had Nothing to Do With Last Night's Shady Shenanigans.


I told her the situation, calmly, but with a tone of irritation. Do you ever hear someone say something really stupid, so you sort of repeat it back to them a little bit slower? “You'll give me free breakfast in the airport?” I said. After I said that, she also offered to waive my baggage check fee, which was $20. Yeah, that might be a bit better, since that's exactly the amount I was out because of you jerks. I accepted, and she was like, “Do we feel better now?” Yes, and I appreciate the condescending tone. Is that free, too?


I got my voucher for my “free breakfast.” $5. What the freak kind of breakfast costs $5? Especially at an airport? Friggin good thing they waived my baggage fee as well.


Awesome, another long line for security checks. Good thing I have a whole 30 minutes before my flight leaves. That gives me just enough time to rush over to my gate, which is so fun.


I know a million people have said it before, including me, but crocs are stupid. I have no respect for a man wearing crocs.


The freak?! I don't have a boarding pass? What the heck did that check-in lady give me?? Oh, she just checked my bag, gave me a baggage claim thing, $5 breakfast voucher, and handed me back my little itinerary card thingy. Goodie, I get to go back downstairs and check in again!


The line is even longer than before. I will miss my flight.


There's one of those self check in kiosks open for some reason. I'll use that. I didn't notice it since it's across the way, but the lady at the desk pointed it out to us. I think it's because she saw me waiting right there next to the line so I could go talk to her. She must have realized that she didn't give me a boarding pass and didn't want to deal with me again.


Um, here's the part where you print my boarding pass, kiosk. That's kind of why I came over here.


Ok, I guess I'll do the check in thing again. Finally.


I get to go through the whole line for security again! Hooray!


My iPod has been 5 weeks without a charger, and the little light is still green when I turn it on. Take that, al Qaeda.


I hope they don't have a problem with the “Just Bunches” in my backpack. There was still half a box left, and I didn't want to just throw it away. I don't see why they would have a problem, but this is airport security we're talking about here.


Do we have to take off our shoes entirely because of the Shoe Bomber? Did one guy get through with a little bomb in his shoe, now we all have to put our shoes through the X-ray?


It would kind of be awesome if some terrorist developed a weapon that was only detectable when the user did a sexy dance. Then we'd all be doing sexy dances at airport security. That would be awesome.


People are so stupid. People are so stupid. I hate people so much right now.


I got my “breakfast”. An orange juice and a water at Sbarro, which is the only place open right now. I don't really need them, but I want to make Delta pay the $5 anyway.


HOW THE FREAK DID I GET JOHN ARCHBOLD'S BOARDING PASS?? WHERE IS MY BOARDING PASS???


Ok, it's not this John Archbold's boarding pass, it's his receipt that looks like a boarding pass. And here is my pass. I still have no idea how I got it.


I'm listening to “My Humps” as I go down the breezeway to the plane. The Black Eyed Peas are kind of stupid.


Some family wasn't comfortable with the responsibilities associated with sitting in an exit row, so they switched with our row. LEG ROOM! There is a God!


One flight down, two to go. I was just in this airport... Five weeks ago...


Great Ledger's Ghost! Detroit's airport has all the gates in one straight line that's like ten miles long! It took me ten minutes to get from gate 20 to 30! I need to get to 70!


Ok, there's apparently a train upstairs, but how do I get to it?


Thanks heavens I got on the train. I would have missed my flight if I hadn't. Those Jetson's walkway thingies just aren't enough.


Sometimes I wish we lived in a world where you could yell out “CHANGE PLACES!” like the Mad Hatter and everyone would get up and frantically run around and sit in a different spot.


I'm really hungry, but I don't have time to stop anywhere. There's a Chili's Too over there. Why the “Too”? There's like a million Chili'ses out there. It's not like we need to be informed that you are also the same restaurant as that other one you went to that one time in Massachussetts. We know it's a nationwide chain.


One time, when I was little, Dad called it Chiji's, probably because the h and the l connect at the bottom, so the l kinda looks like it's supposed to be a j. I'm sure he meant it as a joke, but it threw me off for years.


Two down, one to go. I went to turn my phone back on when they said it was ok, and it was already on. Oops.


Just landed in Salt Lake. Waiting to get off the plane. That old guy standing in the aisle a way up looks like a younger guy in a disguise. Full head of white hair, baseball cap, glasses, and bushy white moustache. I call shenanigans.


Ok, why is there a Salt Lake City Airport network if it's “Local Only”? What is the point of that? How do they expect people to connect to the internet if there isn't an actual connection on their network? And if they don't have it there so people can connect to the internet, why does it exist?


The luggage from my flight is taking a long time to get up to the carousel... I've been sitting here for 45 minutes. Could it be that my trip is about to get EVEN BETTER?!


What do you know, Northwest is, for some reason, sending my bag to Dallas real quick before it gets back here in Salt Lake. They'll deliver it to me when it gets here. Good thing nothing urgently important is in there. Besides my Ghostbusters belt buckle, that is.

Have you ever wanted to punch somebody in the face because of the way they type?

***** completed the quiz "What Candy r u?" with the result Reese's!.

U r a Reese's! U tend 2 melt because of how much choclate u r, which is like if u c someone u really like, u melt 4 them. Ur peanut butter insides give u a soft side which means that u r super nice all the time!.

The Ten People You'll Find in Any BYU Singles Ward

These are people I've noticed in pretty much every singles ward I've been in. I notice them particularly at Sacrament Meeting, although they can usually be sighted in other places as well. Which one are YOU?

1. The Sleeper

We've all probably fallen asleep once in a while at church. It just happens sometimes. I'm talking about the guy who is not only napping, but isn't even trying to stay awake or hide the fact that he's asleep. I saw a guy this past Sunday who was making extra efforts to make himself as comfortable as possible in his seat. I swear, he was trying to fluff the plastic part on the top of the chair back where his head was resting.

2. The Show-Off Singer

We get it. You're a singer. You have talent. Now knock it off and try to blend in with the rest of the congregation. I'm not saying a good singer should hide their talent... it's just that when you have a large group of people singing together, it sounds a lot better when they blend and there isn't a voice standing out. I know it's not a choir, but if you're really as good a singer as you think you are, you should know how to blend. It's something I don't want to bash too bad, because they are just rejoicing and expressing their faith through song, but there will always be people thinking that they're just trying to show off, whether they are or not. One thing that really annoys me, though, is when a person makes a point to sing through the breaks or hold out notes "as long as they're supposed to be held" when everybody else is taking a breath. That's just petty in my eyes.

3. The Couple Who Are In Their First Relationship Ever

I don't know if it's just the culture here or if there are just that many people who have never been in a relationship, but there's always at least one of these couples. They still haven't gotten over the novelty of dating someone seriously, so they think that they have to have physical contact every possible second. I saw one couple finding a place to sit before church, and the girl went ahead through the row to their seats, and she was a little farther ahead than her boyfriend. I watched as he rushed to grab her hand so they wouldn't be out of contact for the three seconds it would have taken for him to get to his chair and rejoin her. Seriously? You can't just chill out and wait? These are the same people who will sit with the guy having his arm awkwardly around her shoulders, almost in a weird headlock kind of thing. His arm fell asleep fifteen minutes ago, but he can't take it down... he doesn't want her to think he's growing distant.

4. The Excessively Affectionate Engaged Couple

These people seem to be of the same genus as the people in #3. I don't know if it's that they want to show off or what, but I've noticed these couples that won't get off each other long enough to listen to the talks at Sacrament Meeting. I sat behind one of these couples a few weeks ago, and it was disgusting, and quite distracting. They were constantly whispering in each other's ears, giggling, playing with their hands. They even kissed a few times. Not the place for that kind of stuff. But maybe I'm just bitter because I don't have the kind of deep, incredible devotion they have for one another. They have something that nobody else in the history of love has ever had, and we should all be inspired by their endless and infinite affection. Gag me.

5. The Note Taker

In spite of what you might have thought based on my adorable cynicism, not everyone on this list annoys me. I can't really say anything bad about the Note-Taker. We really should all be trying to take notes of what we hear at church. I've learned for myself the amazing benefits we can get from taking notes as we listen to talks or read the scriptures. I don't take notes in church myself, but I don't blame anyone who does. It's a good idea, and I'm glad they can get so much out of church.

6. The Old Dude

You all have seen him. He's the guy who is like 35 but is still in a BYU singles ward. He has been going to college for 8 years, but still hasn't settled on a major. He's real nice, but you kind of treat him different. You're afraid he'll ground you.

7. The Rebel With the Colored Shirt

This guy takes pride in the fact that he's the only guy not in a white shirt. He thinks that he's the bad boy who can't be bound by the man's rules. It's not a rule that you have to wear a white shirt, but it's still way punk rock when you show up in, like, a purple shirt. PURPLE! Look at him go! Next, he'll be showing up in khakis!

8. The Gamer/Conversationalist

Let's face it, guys. Church is boring. Nobody ever says anything you haven't heard before, and you'll never learn anything new. You're just there because you're supposed to go, but they can't expect you to actually listen to the talks! So you and the girl next to you play tic-tac-toe or hangman on the back of the program. Or you talk about stuff. Or text each other. You gotta do something to pass the time until this tea party is over and you can go home.

9. The Premi

Every ward has a couple of them. When I was a freshman getting ready for my mission, I never thought anyone could tell. As far as I could see, I looked no different from an RM. But now that I am a returned missionary, I can see how much those young'uns really stand out. Great Odin's Raven, can you ever tell. It's hard to pinpoint the exact characteristics, but for some reason, you can always pick out the premis from the RMs. I'm just glad I'm on the other side of the mission now. The ladies like you better.

10. The RM Who Still Isn't Home

You know who they are. These guys still part their hair on the side and wear their mission suit every week. They talk loudly to each other in their mission language, because here at BYU, someone who is fluent in another language is such a novelty! You start to notice the Commitment Pattern while they're asking you to give the prayer in Sunday School. When they give a talk, 80% of the time is taken telling mission stories. They still LOVE ties, and LOVE to get new ones. I remember when I was a missionary, and since ties were pretty much the only thing we could wear that had any variety, we would try to get the best looking ones that stood out the most or got the best reaction. I had a knit tie in the MTC that was just soooo cool. A lot of guys would get bright pink ties or really ugly ones because it was just so hilarious! But now that I'm home, I honestly don't care in the least about ties. I have two or three that I usually wear, and that's good enough for me.

4 People Who Made My Trip to Kenya Awesome

So this past Christmas I got to go home to Kenya again. It was pretty awesome. As I was flying home, I began to ponder about the people who made the trip... let's call it unique. I was pondering this at the time because one of them was sitting right behind me. SO HERE WE GO!

1. The Lady in the Car in Front of Us at Lake Nakuru

We're at Lake Nakuru National Park. It's this great place where we saw flamingos, rhinos, stuff like that. It's one of those beautiful places in the world, the kind that makes you appreciate nature and the amazing things it can do. We were driving through the park in a forested area, and as I'm watching ahead of us, I see a Diet Coke can get tossed out of the passenger side of the car in front of us. Awesome.
Let me be clear: I usually get pretty irritated when people litter in the first place. It's one of those things that immediately tells you a lot about a person's character. Even in the city, where you see trash all over the place, it's still not that hard to just hold onto your garbage for a few more minutes. But this was a national park. A wildlife preserve. The kind of place you go to see the beauty of the natural world, and this spit of a person can't hold an empty Coke can in her car long enough to find a trash can. I wanted to get out, pick up the can, run up to her car and throw it back in her face. I was furious. I don't know whether she was American, European or even Kenyan. But it doesn't matter. You just don't do that.

2. The Waitress at the Cafe at Lake Nakuru

After a good portion of the day photographing flamingos and mud-caked buffalo, we decided to get some lunch before we headed back home. Luckily, there was a cafe next to the souvenir shop at the park. The waitress comes to take our order, and like a good server, repeated our orders to us as we told them to her. Problem was, what she repeated was not what we said.

Me: I'd like a Fanta

Waitress: A water?

Me: ... A Fanta.

Waitress: Ok, so a water.

Me: What? I want a Fanta! Orange flavored, carbonated beverage!

Waitress: All right, broiled chicken breast.

Maybe I'm just picking nits because I'm a server myself and I know what good service is. But I don't think it's just me. Most native Kenyans speak both English and Swahili, as well as their own tribal language. With some of them, you get the feeling that English isn't their forte, and that's ok. Speak whatever language you want. But when your job is to take people's orders and get them food, you should probably understand the language they are speaking. Especially at a tourist location in a country that has English as an official language. I'm just saying. When it's your job to understand people, you should probably make sure you do.
So when she leaves to place our order, we all feel a little nervous about what we'll actually be getting. As I recall, she brought out all the right drinks, except apparently she missed one. So she had to go get another one. Then we get to wait for over an hour for our food. Literally more than an hour. Which would be a little tiny bit excusable if the place was packed with customers, making the cook all backed up in the kitchen. But we were the only people in the restaurant. I mean, did the cook have to catch, kill, and clean the cow before he could make my steak? Then, when we finally get our food, Daniel, who didn't order anything, gets a vegetable pizza put in front of him. And Dad, who ordered chicken, got nothing. He was pretty mad. We were afraid we would have to wait another hour for his food. Luckily (relatively), it came out in about 20 minutes instead. We were afraid the check would have all sorts of random things on it, but that was the one thing the waitress was able to get right. Awesome.

3. The Dude Who For Some Reason Felt that His Luggage Belonged in the Overhead Compartment Half the Plane back from his Seat. Which Was, of Course, Right Above Me.

I think this was on the flight from Nairobi to Amsterdam, but it may have been Amsterdam-Houston. This old guy about fifteen rows ahead of me came and stuck his carry-on luggage into the compartment above my seat. I have no idea why. I don't believe for a second that there was no room anywhere closer to his seat. Now, I can excuse putting your stuff so far away from your seat if you don't plan on using any of it for the duration of the flight. But this guy seriously was coming back to get something out of his bag every half hour or so. I was sitting in an aisle seat, and he was the kind of guy who had to lean all over the person sitting there while he's digging through his bag that he apparently can't have up with him under the seat in front of him. So I get an old guy all up in my space every 30 minutes or so for about eight hours. Awesome.

4. The Kid Sitting Behind Me From Amsterdam to Houston

Ok, parents of small children, listen up!
You may not notice, but your kid loves to kick the back of the seat in front of him. Loves it. He also likes to slouch down on his seat so his butt is hanging off the edge, have the tray down, then push it all the way up with his feet and let it crash down. He loves to do that over and over and over again.
Another thing you may not notice, but the person sitting in front of the kid isn't tickled over your child's activities. In fact, that person in the row ahead probably would like nothing more than to strangle your kid with the in-flight headphones, stuff complimentary roasted almonds down his throat, and stuff him in an overhead bin. Trouble is, there are laws against that kind of thing, so he can't. Or at the very least, he can't get online while on the plane to look up the legal consequences and decide if it would be worth it.
My flight from Amsterdam to Houston was nine and a half hours long. NINE and a HALF. And I do not exaggerate when I say that this kid behind me was kicking my seat for the ENTIRE NINE AND A HALF HOURS. The flight was not crowded, so some of us could spread out a little. I had my whole row on my side to myself. Trouble is, the kicking sort of affected the whole row, so no matter where I sat, I couldn't escape.
The mom at least recognized that it could be bothering me, and yelled at her son on two occasions. Of course, he stopped for a few minutes, long enough to scream and cry at the audacity of his mother to tell him to stop. So either he was kicking my seat, screaming and crying, or both. Awesome.
At least part of it was entertaining. She threatened to slap him silly if he didn't knock it off, and I got to see her actually do it to one of her other kids across the aisle. All three of her kids were fussing and bickering at each other, and while her 10 year old daughter was lying down on the seats across from me, her mom got fed up and started slapping her right there. It was actually kind of hilarious.