These are people I've noticed in pretty much every singles ward I've been in. I notice them particularly at Sacrament Meeting, although they can usually be sighted in other places as well. Which one are YOU?
1. The Sleeper
We've all probably fallen asleep once in a while at church. It just happens sometimes. I'm talking about the guy who is not only napping, but isn't even trying to stay awake or hide the fact that he's asleep. I saw a guy this past Sunday who was making extra efforts to make himself as comfortable as possible in his seat. I swear, he was trying to fluff the plastic part on the top of the chair back where his head was resting.
2. The Show-Off Singer
We get it. You're a singer. You have talent. Now knock it off and try to blend in with the rest of the congregation. I'm not saying a good singer should hide their talent... it's just that when you have a large group of people singing together, it sounds a lot better when they blend and there isn't a voice standing out. I know it's not a choir, but if you're really as good a singer as you think you are, you should know how to blend. It's something I don't want to bash too bad, because they are just rejoicing and expressing their faith through song, but there will always be people thinking that they're just trying to show off, whether they are or not. One thing that really annoys me, though, is when a person makes a point to sing through the breaks or hold out notes "as long as they're supposed to be held" when everybody else is taking a breath. That's just petty in my eyes.
3. The Couple Who Are In Their First Relationship Ever
I don't know if it's just the culture here or if there are just that many people who have never been in a relationship, but there's always at least one of these couples. They still haven't gotten over the novelty of dating someone seriously, so they think that they have to have physical contact every possible second. I saw one couple finding a place to sit before church, and the girl went ahead through the row to their seats, and she was a little farther ahead than her boyfriend. I watched as he rushed to grab her hand so they wouldn't be out of contact for the three seconds it would have taken for him to get to his chair and rejoin her. Seriously? You can't just chill out and wait? These are the same people who will sit with the guy having his arm awkwardly around her shoulders, almost in a weird headlock kind of thing. His arm fell asleep fifteen minutes ago, but he can't take it down... he doesn't want her to think he's growing distant.
4. The Excessively Affectionate Engaged Couple
These people seem to be of the same genus as the people in #3. I don't know if it's that they want to show off or what, but I've noticed these couples that won't get off each other long enough to listen to the talks at Sacrament Meeting. I sat behind one of these couples a few weeks ago, and it was disgusting, and quite distracting. They were constantly whispering in each other's ears, giggling, playing with their hands. They even kissed a few times. Not the place for that kind of stuff. But maybe I'm just bitter because I don't have the kind of deep, incredible devotion they have for one another. They have something that nobody else in the history of love has ever had, and we should all be inspired by their endless and infinite affection. Gag me.
5. The Note Taker
In spite of what you might have thought based on my adorable cynicism, not everyone on this list annoys me. I can't really say anything bad about the Note-Taker. We really should all be trying to take notes of what we hear at church. I've learned for myself the amazing benefits we can get from taking notes as we listen to talks or read the scriptures. I don't take notes in church myself, but I don't blame anyone who does. It's a good idea, and I'm glad they can get so much out of church.
6. The Old Dude
You all have seen him. He's the guy who is like 35 but is still in a BYU singles ward. He has been going to college for 8 years, but still hasn't settled on a major. He's real nice, but you kind of treat him different. You're afraid he'll ground you.
7. The Rebel With the Colored Shirt
This guy takes pride in the fact that he's the only guy not in a white shirt. He thinks that he's the bad boy who can't be bound by the man's rules. It's not a rule that you have to wear a white shirt, but it's still way punk rock when you show up in, like, a purple shirt. PURPLE! Look at him go! Next, he'll be showing up in khakis!
8. The Gamer/Conversationalist
Let's face it, guys. Church is boring. Nobody ever says anything you haven't heard before, and you'll never learn anything new. You're just there because you're supposed to go, but they can't expect you to actually listen to the talks! So you and the girl next to you play tic-tac-toe or hangman on the back of the program. Or you talk about stuff. Or text each other. You gotta do something to pass the time until this tea party is over and you can go home.
9. The Premi
Every ward has a couple of them. When I was a freshman getting ready for my mission, I never thought anyone could tell. As far as I could see, I looked no different from an RM. But now that I am a returned missionary, I can see how much those young'uns really stand out. Great Odin's Raven, can you ever tell. It's hard to pinpoint the exact characteristics, but for some reason, you can always pick out the premis from the RMs. I'm just glad I'm on the other side of the mission now. The ladies like you better.
10. The RM Who Still Isn't Home
You know who they are. These guys still part their hair on the side and wear their mission suit every week. They talk loudly to each other in their mission language, because here at BYU, someone who is fluent in another language is such a novelty! You start to notice the Commitment Pattern while they're asking you to give the prayer in Sunday School. When they give a talk, 80% of the time is taken telling mission stories. They still LOVE ties, and LOVE to get new ones. I remember when I was a missionary, and since ties were pretty much the only thing we could wear that had any variety, we would try to get the best looking ones that stood out the most or got the best reaction. I had a knit tie in the MTC that was just soooo cool. A lot of guys would get bright pink ties or really ugly ones because it was just so hilarious! But now that I'm home, I honestly don't care in the least about ties. I have two or three that I usually wear, and that's good enough for me.
