Finally, I've made it to the airport. I can get going home and relax for a day or two before I have to go back to work.
Great, there's a huge line to check in. Oh well, there are worse tragedies in life.
What? Our flight is canceled? The freak am I supposed to do now? I assume they'll just put me on the next available route out
Look lady, it's a simple rule of etiquette. It's not even about etiquette, it's just common sense. First graders understand it. I was in line first, therefore I am ahead of you. It is meant to stay that way. So stop trying to inch your way in front of me and stand so that you're turned slightly away from me so you don't have to look me in the eye.
We just turned the corner into the narrower, roped off part of the line. I won.
What's that? The next available itinerary is tomorrow at 5pm? Oh, there's a few earlier? Yeah, let's try to do that. As much as I love your airport, I'd rather leave it sooner than later. Ok, 6:15am. Just great. I love sitting around longer than I need to. Oh, no, of course it's “Not Your Fault”, so don't bother putting me in a hotel for the night. I enjoy sporadic sleep on tile floors.
You say you can give me a discounted hotel room? For only $89? YOU'RE A SAINT, DELTA AIRLINES!!! ONLY $89!!! I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO EAT NOTHING BUT RICE AND WATER FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!!!
Oh, you might be able to get a room at the Holiday Inn for me for $50? Yeah, that might be better... I still can't afford it, so I will see you in Hades.
Sweet! I can't check in until 4am! I love carrying all my stuff around the airport lobby!
I guess I could sleep on these couch-like things here. Except I wouldn't get much sleep because I'd be afraid of people stealing my bags. Maybe I should just get the hotel room. $50 isn't that much, I guess.
Yes, I was told earlier I could get a hotel room? Yes, $89 was what they told me, but they said they could get me one for $50? Oh, $65? Yeah, that's not exactly the same as $50. Fine, what's $15 more? I get a bed to sleep in.
Wow, the shuttle guy got here fast. That's handy.
Just checked in at the hotel. Yeah, the Delta people gave me a voucher, telling me it would be $65. I get there, and the girl at the front desk tells me it's $85. Um, no, they told me it was going to be $65. Oh, that's a mechanical problem discount, not a weather discount, which is the voucher they gave me. So they lied to my face as they handed me the voucher that made the price $85.
I don't care how great the deal still is. I still can't afford it. I would not be here in your hotel lobby if the price was going to be $85.
Whatever, I'll just pay it now and yell at the Delta people in the morning.
What's so friggin great about this room? I can get one just as nice for $50 just about anywhere. The regular price for this one is almost three times that.
At least I can do laundry. I hadn't gotten a chance before I left, and I was kinda laughing at the idea of security going through my bag with all those dirty clothes. But it's probably better this way.
Good thing there's a grocery store nearby. I got a rotisserie chicken for dinner.
This store has chocolate soda. The brand is Waist Watchers, and the flavor is Diet Chocolate Fudge. Do they really need to make something chocolate fudge flavored to make fat people buy it? It's soda, people.
I got a rewards card at the store so I could save $2.26. Totally worth it.
Oh good, I apparently forgot to actually push the Start button on the dryer. The “Machine Operating” light was on, so I assumed it was, you know, operating. So when I go back an hour and a half later, imagine my surprise when my clothes are still wet and my dollar is gone.
Why did I have them send the shuttle at 4:00? I don't need to be at the airport until like 5. I'll call them and have them change the time for my ride to come at 4:30. That way I get 3 hours of sleep instead of 2 ½!
I really don't get why I'm staying up so late. Sure, I had to do laundry, but I could have been in bed by 10. I'm kind of an idiot. Some of you people didn't help by chatting with me on facebook. You jerks. How dare you be my friends.
I have to brush my teeth in the bathtub because the sink is full of ice. It's keeping my yogurt chilled for breakfast.
Well, I'm on my way again. Hopefully the storm last night won't make them cancel my flight again.
Great, it's a huge line again. Why the heck is there a line like this at 5am?
Looks like I'll have to eat breakfast in line. Yogurt with “Just Bunches”. The people in line next to me might think I'm weird for eating this in line, but I don't care.
Ah, it's my turn. I have words for you, Miss Delta Girl Who Had Nothing to Do With Last Night's Shady Shenanigans.
I told her the situation, calmly, but with a tone of irritation. Do you ever hear someone say something really stupid, so you sort of repeat it back to them a little bit slower? “You'll give me free breakfast in the airport?” I said. After I said that, she also offered to waive my baggage check fee, which was $20. Yeah, that might be a bit better, since that's exactly the amount I was out because of you jerks. I accepted, and she was like, “Do we feel better now?” Yes, and I appreciate the condescending tone. Is that free, too?
I got my voucher for my “free breakfast.” $5. What the freak kind of breakfast costs $5? Especially at an airport? Friggin good thing they waived my baggage fee as well.
Awesome, another long line for security checks. Good thing I have a whole 30 minutes before my flight leaves. That gives me just enough time to rush over to my gate, which is so fun.
I know a million people have said it before, including me, but crocs are stupid. I have no respect for a man wearing crocs.
The freak?! I don't have a boarding pass? What the heck did that check-in lady give me?? Oh, she just checked my bag, gave me a baggage claim thing, $5 breakfast voucher, and handed me back my little itinerary card thingy. Goodie, I get to go back downstairs and check in again!
The line is even longer than before. I will miss my flight.
There's one of those self check in kiosks open for some reason. I'll use that. I didn't notice it since it's across the way, but the lady at the desk pointed it out to us. I think it's because she saw me waiting right there next to the line so I could go talk to her. She must have realized that she didn't give me a boarding pass and didn't want to deal with me again.
Um, here's the part where you print my boarding pass, kiosk. That's kind of why I came over here.
Ok, I guess I'll do the check in thing again. Finally.
I get to go through the whole line for security again! Hooray!
My iPod has been 5 weeks without a charger, and the little light is still green when I turn it on. Take that, al Qaeda.
I hope they don't have a problem with the “Just Bunches” in my backpack. There was still half a box left, and I didn't want to just throw it away. I don't see why they would have a problem, but this is airport security we're talking about here.
Do we have to take off our shoes entirely because of the Shoe Bomber? Did one guy get through with a little bomb in his shoe, now we all have to put our shoes through the X-ray?
It would kind of be awesome if some terrorist developed a weapon that was only detectable when the user did a sexy dance. Then we'd all be doing sexy dances at airport security. That would be awesome.
People are so stupid. People are so stupid. I hate people so much right now.
I got my “breakfast”. An orange juice and a water at Sbarro, which is the only place open right now. I don't really need them, but I want to make Delta pay the $5 anyway.
HOW THE FREAK DID I GET JOHN ARCHBOLD'S BOARDING PASS?? WHERE IS MY BOARDING PASS???
Ok, it's not this John Archbold's boarding pass, it's his receipt that looks like a boarding pass. And here is my pass. I still have no idea how I got it.
I'm listening to “My Humps” as I go down the breezeway to the plane. The Black Eyed Peas are kind of stupid.
Some family wasn't comfortable with the responsibilities associated with sitting in an exit row, so they switched with our row. LEG ROOM! There is a God!
One flight down, two to go. I was just in this airport... Five weeks ago...
Great Ledger's Ghost! Detroit's airport has all the gates in one straight line that's like ten miles long! It took me ten minutes to get from gate 20 to 30! I need to get to 70!
Ok, there's apparently a train upstairs, but how do I get to it?
Thanks heavens I got on the train. I would have missed my flight if I hadn't. Those Jetson's walkway thingies just aren't enough.
Sometimes I wish we lived in a world where you could yell out “CHANGE PLACES!” like the Mad Hatter and everyone would get up and frantically run around and sit in a different spot.
I'm really hungry, but I don't have time to stop anywhere. There's a Chili's Too over there. Why the “Too”? There's like a million Chili'ses out there. It's not like we need to be informed that you are also the same restaurant as that other one you went to that one time in Massachussetts. We know it's a nationwide chain.
One time, when I was little, Dad called it Chiji's, probably because the h and the l connect at the bottom, so the l kinda looks like it's supposed to be a j. I'm sure he meant it as a joke, but it threw me off for years.
Two down, one to go. I went to turn my phone back on when they said it was ok, and it was already on. Oops.
Just landed in Salt Lake. Waiting to get off the plane. That old guy standing in the aisle a way up looks like a younger guy in a disguise. Full head of white hair, baseball cap, glasses, and bushy white moustache. I call shenanigans.
Ok, why is there a Salt Lake City Airport network if it's “Local Only”? What is the point of that? How do they expect people to connect to the internet if there isn't an actual connection on their network? And if they don't have it there so people can connect to the internet, why does it exist?
The luggage from my flight is taking a long time to get up to the carousel... I've been sitting here for 45 minutes. Could it be that my trip is about to get EVEN BETTER?!
What do you know, Northwest is, for some reason, sending my bag to Dallas real quick before it gets back here in Salt Lake. They'll deliver it to me when it gets here. Good thing nothing urgently important is in there. Besides my Ghostbusters belt buckle, that is.
