Trump vs. Rump

In a bizarre kickoff to the next exhausting presidential election season, Donald Trump has, for some reason, convinced himself that he has a legitimate shot at taking the crown from Big O. Sure, businessmen and women have ran for president in the past, and they aren't entirely a terrible group of people from which to select a president. But Trump has long been kind of a weird guy, and I cannot fathom what has made him think that he's suddenly cut out for politics.

Stranger still, The Donald has inexplicably chosen the Birther cause as one of the primary pillars of his campaign. He decided that his message is basically: "You should elect me because I believe in a conspiracy theory more convoluted and desperate than the "Moon Landing Hoax" theory." Seriously? Running for president is a matter of gathering the most people to your side, trying not to alienate anyone but the votes you're willing to sacrifice. You basically have to convince a slight majority to vote for you, and to do that you have to take a strong position that a lot of people agree on and enough of the rest can be convinced of. So you really think that there are enough birthers out there to push you over the top? In fact, you pretty much have to hope over 50% of the people are birthers, because anyone who isn't is most likely going to think you're a nutcase and won't vote for you.

The very fact that birthers exist at all, especially that there are so many of them, is baffling to me. It started out as a desperate attempt to delegitimize Obama's election. He won very convincingly, so it would be hard to blame a rigged election or demand a recount. So someone looked for something else, and found one tiny glimmer of false hope, and cooked up a conspiracy theory. It was perfect, because even though it was a long shot, and could be proved to a satisfying degree for most people, paranoid people could always find reasons to remain unconvinced.

The fact is, the birther issue has been settled, and by all legal scrutiny, Barack Obama has been ruled to be an American citizen. They begrudgingly inspected his birth certificate, and said yes, it's real, and yes, he is in fact American by birth. But Trump is still not convinced. He supposedly has a team of very smart people in Hawaii doing their own detective work, and he refuses to be convinced until the president proves that he is an American. But tons of people are still doing what Trump is doing. They are insisting that they will not be convinced until Obama drives down to their house and personally presents his birth certificate to them so they can inspect it.

This is so stupid to me. They say he is acting all suspicious because he won't show it. Let me illustrate the stupidity of this with a different example. Let's say that President Obama has The Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tattooed on his left buttcheek. We really have no way of knowing this, nor is there any evidence that it's in any way true. But wouldn't that be hilarious? I want it to be true, therefore I will believe it until President Barack proves me wrong.

Pictured: Barack's Obottom

There are several ways for the president to respond to this. First, he could just ignore it, passing it off as a weird, crackpot idea that has no real merit. I say that his lack of response just proves his guilt. He's trying to silence the truth, man! We must demand that he either confess and step down, or prove we're wrong! Okay, so he has some qualified individuals testify on his behalf. His doctor and his wife go before the nation and let us know that the president of the United States does not have an 80's cartoon villain tattooed on his backside. Well obviously the doctor has been paid off, and the First Lady won't out her husband. Cahoots! All right, so the President finally gives in and stands on Capitol Hill with his pants around his knees and every news network displays the Caboose-in-Chief, unequivocally un-inked. They zoom in, using their HD cameras. Headlines around the world declare the news to the world: "NO JUNK ON THIS TRUNK", "BARACK'S BOOTY BEREFT OF BAD GUY", "CRACK LACKING: NO MAN ON THIS MOON", and "GOOD GAME: PRESIDENT SPANKS OPPONENTS BY SILENCING RUMORS WITH DEADLY EVIDENCE".

Even then, there will be doubters. They will say the President used concealer, the media altered the footage, a lookalike was used. They will never be convinced until the President comes to their house and lets them scrutinize his booty. The point is, he shouldn't have to. He should not have to be constantly harassed with idiotic and baseless accusations. The President's citizenship should not be an issue in the election. Not in 2008, and not now. And for a circus clown like Donald Trump to bring it up and encourage this idiocy is just irresponsible, unproductive and distracting.

So here's my idea.

We need to give good ol' Trumpy a taste of his own medicine. I think we need to start a rumor that Donald Trump is not human, but is in fact an alien in a moderately convincing human disguise. It wouldn't be that much of a stretch. Look at the guy. His ridiculous hair is a thing of legend. He has an unnatural orange hue to his skin (except around the eyes). He talks really weird, shaping his mouth in bizarre ways that nobody else does. And his skin looks like a lumpy, rubbery mass haphazardly hanging off of some misshapen humanoid structure.

"Just tuck the extra skin into the collar. I'm going on 60 Minutes tonight."

He can't prove he isn't a real human. What will he do? Have doctors testify? Paid off! Show his birth certificate? Fake! Have a DNA test done? Easily fabricated! The fact is, there isn't a thing he can do to prove beyond any doubt that he is, in fact, a human being. And if I had my way, this would become such a big thing that he would be forced to withdraw from the Presidential race. Let's face it, it's more plausible that Donald Trump is an alien than that Barack Obama isn't a real American citizen.